A Little Update
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| Wed, 11-23-2005 - 8:00pm |
Hi there everyone , it's Leah again*waves*. I noticed my original thread was deleted and I found out it was because of posting links to other websites and also because I posted a link of a uploaded photo of my face , sorry about that people I honestly didn't know that was against the rules here ^_^;;. So here's a little update on me , for the most part I've been feeling alright until today , I went to the financial aid office to find out when the rest of my student loan money will be released. Much to my surprise , I found out that I was entitled to 1000 dollars less than expected because the student loan office had checked into my personal records and found that I had supposedly made 5200 in income when I haven't had a job in a little while. I called home and told mom what the situation was and when I came home we figured out what the reason for this was. As I had said in my older thread about what brought me here(which has been a great thing) , my father had taken saving bonds from me and chashed all of them and forged my signature to do so. The 5200 dollars was the amount from the bonds collecting interest. So the financial aid office told me this and I guess they think that I've been lying about needing a student loan and I'm so worried that I might get into trouble for this and even worse this might affect me from doing things like getting a house or a loan for something important. So I talked this over with everyone and decided that if I lose out then I will take my father to court over the bonds. And to tell you guys the truth , will all that has happened with my parents , I could really , really careless if he were found guilty and had to go to jail. If I lose out on my student loan , the plan that I was steadily working out in order to move out of my mother and stepfather's home will go to pieces and from what I've said about the way they intereact(my mom is willing to let him get away with anything , the guy once said that I'm aspiring to be some kind of a slut and to this day she's never said anything to him about this) , I know that I need to leave as soon as possible. Once again I have to ask the question , 1. If there is a God , why isn't he/she/it allowing these things to happen? And 2. Could I have possibly done something now or in a past life for things to turn this way? I've noticed that the stable and calm moments in my life are not very long and are immediately followed by ones that are tragic like this one. I know I've been working my damdest at school so that I can make something and do something with my life. Hell afte almost becoming an athiest about I month ago I dusted off my bible and started to read through it and you know what it made me feel so calm. Everything that was bothering me went away , I wasn't so sad all the time , I didn't feel physically sick , hate the way I look , feel convinved that I was so unattractive and that I would certainly die alone. I know for most 20 year olds stuff like this doesn't go through their heads but I guess I'm just "unique" like that :p! But now once again everything I worked hard on goes to hell , it's obvious that I'm either being punished for something terrible that I must have done to my parents. Nobody would run off with a girl's college fund unless she did something really , you're-an-evil-little-bitch horrible right? And my mother wouldn't allow some guy that she met ages ago , who was her "first" and feels eternally in debt to , talk to and treat me any way unless I deserved it right? And even better and time I actually speak up , I'm told I'm crazy/childish/stuck up/holier than thou and all kinds of more "colourful" things.
And what I love the most about this news about my finances is that it's 24 hours before I have a math test (luckily I emailed the professor asking if I could write it on another date), isn't just lovely how these things always have to happen when you're always in a stressful situation? Today mom said that "everyone who does a wrong will get theirs in the end" and coming from her , I wasn't too sure wether to believe it or laugh. Don't get me wrong my parents DO have good points but they have more bad ones than the good and somewhere inside of me I do care for them(my mother a little more than my father)...but I don't know. I guess I'll just keep praying that somehow this will all end , I'll move out finally and things will work out with my student loan or the bonds...I really hope I don't get into trouble D:!.
On a lighter note my art has improved( and if you'd like to see the kind of things I draw , I have the link to my artsite in my profile :)! The place even has a photo of me looking all bored :p.) , I'm not sure if it was the bible reading or just being relaxed , and drawing and playing music always perk me up so as soon as my headache from crying and yelling goes away I might go and do that. Second I'm doing pretty well in school , hopefully I'll average B's in things and most of all I'm doing pretty well in my worst subjecr , math(such a shame that you need math for science , why can't we just say "the guy was infected by bacteria , 'nuff said!" we don't need an EXACT number :p!) and with the art , school , working out in the college gym my confidence is slowly coming back so that's why I'm more angry about this news because I really don't want anybody to ruing my positive streak and I want the streak to last. Also I saw my ex a little while ago and we talked for about an hour and he apologized for all the stuff he said and did. Now I hope he is genuinely storry isn't just saying that because he is desperate and things that he thinks that I would go to him at the drop of a hat. I'm lonely and everything but not stupid...I hope. Now sure where that will lead but if we could be friends I'd be happy and whatever happens happens.
Sorry for writing another really long post , I don't know why but when I'm upset or in a creative mood I can just write these things and draw amazing art that normally I'd struggle to make. I hope all the American users enjoy their thanksgiving and all that turkey and has a safe holiday!
-Leah

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Hi, again, Leah.
I had a couple more thoughts about your situation, and suggest that you might work on not reacting to the negative things that are said to you.
if people in your life have had a problem with alcohol, alanon is a perfect
place, you will grow, get support and undrstand the people in your life who drink that have
had an effect on you. I work ina 12 step program and highly respect it. it
changed my life. Love, leila
I can't even imagine continuing to live there without your mom's support.
At 20, you should know at least you're probably still entitled to some sort of assistance.
I have a friend who gets college for virtually free because she lives alone in an apartment. Have you checked with any agencies in your area? Why are you staying really?
Betsy
That is such a shame and I mean that with all of my heart. Your mother is laying a guilt trip on you and I am watching my 44 year old friend go through the very same thing. The choice has to be yours of course. You'll do it until you simply cannot take it anymore and the timing is right. I want you to know I feel for you, I really do. Because (for many reasons) not just your schooling, as long as you live in the same house with a parent, your chances of getting any help are nil. Mom's wrong about your biological father though. His name would not even be on your papers, you're over eighteen. I sincerely hope that you have yourself a support system, you will need it. My prayers are going to be with you.
I have crawled out from a hell similar to yours and it was the best thing I've ever done. I never did finish my degree in psychology because of financial reasons, but I got away from the co-dependents that were stifling me and grew beyond my dreams.
Remember to stay strong and ask God daily for strength for YOU.
God Bless You,
Betsy
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