I hate my father
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:06am |
I have been struggling all my life with my father.
I am 25 years old now, when I was 15 my parents split up after coming to USA and it has been a very hard time here living only with mom and yonger sister with not much money all this time and no other family around.
My father is a very controlling and abusive person and has had a huge influence in my life - as I see it, a negative influence. He has been physically abusive to my mom and before we ran away from him disciplined me and my sister in a "military" style, too - with leather belt and yelling and little affection. When we finally ran away from him, for the period from 15 to 21 years old I just hated him for the abuse and his lack of support (he didn't pay child support when we left and kept emotionally abusing us), although deep inside wanted to restore the bond that was shattered when my family felt apart.
From 21 to 25 I have been putting **enormous** amounts of effort into actually restoring it (I was under the influence of the Bible's "respect your parents" amendment) by starting to talk to him and visiting him (visiting only about once in 3-4 months - I can't take any more of him). But after these 4 years I am ready to give up (tell him I never want to talk to or see him anymore), because my father is with another woman now and he is just as abusive to her as he has been to my mom, and I have realized that he will never change... And the fact that it is *still* taking me a lot of nerves and effort to communicate with him...
Sometimes I think of the Bible again and decide that I need to keep trying, but other times I just wish he disappeared from my life altogether - I am sure that my life would be so much better without him. His presence in my life is affecting my view of the world and personal relationships in a very negative way.
Ha anyone been in a similar situation? Please help.

I feel your pain and while I believe there is a fullness to the Bible, God does not want for you to subject yourself to any abuse. Now that you can see finally that your father is a sick individual, though still your father, you have the choice to subject yourself to any further abuse. You have learned, he has not. Detach with love and move on with your life. The more whole you feel inside the better off you'll be to yourself and to others and that is why you are here. If you want to write to your father where he can no longer harm you to get things off your chest do so with good intentions and get on with your beautiful life that God meant for you to have or you would not be so aware for such a young girl.
GODspeed Honey,
Betsy
Thank you, Betsy.
I believe what you said is true, thank you for support. I'll just live out of contact with him for a while, hoping someday he'll be better and this whole mess will have a happy end.
Wishing best,
Kat
First, get it out of your head that your biological father is ever going to be a Dad.
Thank you Bink, your message helped a lot. You are very right about approval.
I'll do my best to move past this.
Wishing best
Kat
Hi, Kat!
Wow!
No one needs to be abused. You can tell your dad
that you will be taking space from him because he is so verbally abusive and
In the future, if he makes some changes you will be open to renew a
realtionship. Keep away from people who do not show respect and caring.
Itis hard to be positive with negative influences. Don't blame yourself
for the sick guy who fathered you, be happy you have a life. You can repair.
Self image and a wonderful feeling of worth is what you want to gain.
Give up hate, pray for the man, he must have felt so unloved.
Love, Leila
Thank you CeeCee, thank you Leila.
This turned out to be such a wonderful idea - to share this on a message board. I received much support and good wishes. Thank you kindly - your help is priceless.
Kat
I totally understand and sympathize with you because I find myself in almost the exact situation. I'm 20 years old and I have little to no communication with my father. As a child I've witnessed him physically and verbally abusing my mother and watching my mother cower in fear(I had a thread going about all of this a while ago) and eventually my parents split up and my dad has be very , very bitter about the divorce ever since. And over the years he's taken out his anger on me about it , the most extreme case of this is when I went to live with him for a year and he litterally put me through hell. But enough about me...hmmm well I understand that you want to have a relationship with him , but I think that if he's caused you , your mother and sister all this stress and it doesn't look like he's going to change , I'd say just leave him alone. As my very wise grandmother say's of my father , "He's getting older , he'll be lonely and one day he will need you sooner that you'll need him." and I'm certain that the same will be in your case. And also just tell yourself(I have to tell myself this every day) , that not only does the bible talk about respecting and treating your parents well but the bible also says that God is going to repay people for all the good and bad things that they have done to others. So if the fact that your dad is just outright rotten and doesn't change getting to you , just remember that one day something will happen to him and you might be the only person that he can rely on.
You have all of my support and prayers.
-Leah