Faith and trust
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| Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:07am |
I am dealing with a personal crisis on a couple of other boards, but I was interested in maybe getting some feedback from another aspect here. My dh, age 60, and I, age 43, have been married for 6 years and together for 8. On October 29, 2005, I discovered that my dh had an emotional affair with his high school sweetheart. This began four years ago. The worst of it happened over a one year period, but she goes on believing he loves her and always will to this day. She also sends him "love" pages and poems and the like still. Anyway, I don't need to go into all the gory details. Enough said. We are headed to marriage counseling this month. We had to wait to get into a place that charges on a sliding fee scale.
In the mean time, this is one more crisis in my life. I have dealt with every kind of abuse there is at all stages of my life up until I met my dh. I have lost a twin and one other baby. My first marriage of 20 years was filled with abuse. To date, I have felt that I am able to turn around what I learned and experienced and make it a positive for myself and others.
How do I do this this time??? I am lost.... How do I keep my faith and trust again. These losses add up so quickly in a way to belittle my trust in others.
Steph
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
-Mark Twain
Edited 1/4/2006 1:15 am ET by amcanmom


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You sound like you're headed in a good direction as far as the forgiveness issues, they are indeed for ourself. If he's communicating the way you say,then you both stand a god chance at rectifying things. Abuse is simply 'improper use', but can also mean physical of course.
Isn't it funny when you put things in writing, you do gain much more insight to yourself?
Keep a journal once in a while, you get to get those feelings out and sort of cleanse yourself and get some closure on all of it. You sound healthy. I hope we didn't come across as judging you. That was not my intent at all. I just want people to know thye deserve better and any way you have to go about proving that to yourself...One can stay in a committment and still realize that.
Good Luck to you guys,
Betsy
God Carol, you said some things my best friend is going through right now to the letter. It changes day to day and hour to hour. Sometimes I think she's going to crack and take me right along with her. I am standing beside her because I love her, but I hope she chooses soon. What a change in her, I feel crushed.
She will not open her eyes and realize that it is all for something that this is happening, it's so frustrating. She doesn't even have actual proof that he's cheating, just assumptions. He doesn't treat her well to begin with, but no hitting she says. I guess she feels like she doesn't deserve better for herself or that she has 24 years invested in this relationship she may as well carry it to the end.
I don't know how much more I can take for she is turning into something beyond what I ever thought I would witness. Where and when is the breaking point?
Venting, I'm sorry,
Betsy
E-mail me and send a Christmas card. he had an affair and moved out several years ago. We
were together for over 2 years. some of my feelings are stirred up. He is of
course being unfaithful to his girlfriend writing to me daily. I don't want to make bad karma and attract
immature men who are unfaithful. He likes attention
and is commitment phobic. So, I am looking at myself as to why I got sucked
back in after i totally terminated with him. I heard some one say once:
I thought abuse was when someone came at you with a machete. I have a son who gets
a little passive aggressive with me. He has issues. I am thinking, that may be abuse.
So we have to look at the word abuse. I am happy I am out of a relationship and that
I know what i want and hope I do not repeat any mistakes. I have a great male friend who
will fill me in if I am going in the wrong direction. Loving myself is the key to my happiness and
not allowing people to hurt me. So what can I add? not much. Make sure he is DONE and he tells
her and KNOW he is honest enough to tell you the truth about that. Let him do a lot of work
with counseling, not just you. Do a lot of listening and write it down later. Make sure the words match
the actions in all cases. Lots of love, Leila
Steph
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
-Mark Twain
DO you think he is hitting her? It sounds like there is some doubt on your part. If so, ask if he has pushed her, if he has moved her physically, and things like that. It may be that he doesn't *hit* her, but he's still physically abusive. It's really, really easy to look at it that way when you want to.
My xh had numerous PA during the time we were married.. 20 years. The only thing that bothered me about this was that he brought home crabs one time. TG that he didn't bring home anything else! I guess my lack of anger and caring should have clued me in to what I was feeling, but I was scared.
And then there is the emotional and verbal abuse. He isolated you. He keeps you too busy to have friends. He tells you he owns you. It's all about fear. They manipulate you into thinking that you are crazy, that it didn't really happen the way you remember it, that it was your fault. After 24 years of this, if this is indeed the case, she is wayyyyyy far gone down this road. She can't leave until she is ready to leave. She can have ppl hide her, she can have somewhere to go, but it's like an addiction. It feels normal. It feels like what you deserve.
Okay, I've blathered on long enough. LOL
Steph
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
-Mark Twain
Steph
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
-Mark Twain
" I have to find myself" I told him to read " men who can't love"
and he would find himself there. Some men just don't want to grow up.
I hope your guy wants to grow and is more than humor and charm.
I hope I have grown enough to manifest a man on a higher level.
I don't think I can revert and go thru the pain again. Pain by natural death is OK,
but not pain from cheating, being cold and cheap. Thinking of you.
Love, Leila keep writing in your journal
Betsy,
I feel for your friend. It is hard when you have invested so much and so many years in a marriage. Even harder for your friend without actual proof, although in my experience if a wife suspects after so many years, (unless she has been the jealous type all along and constantly believed he is having affairs), she is usually right. My dh had always been a good family man prior to the affair but went off the rails due to lonliness and stress during a time when we were apart due to work commitments. That was no excuse, but the marriage had been good prior to this so we had lots of good things to build on. He also stepped straight up to the challenge of rebuilding without making excuses or trying to minimise what it had done to me, the marriage and our family. Had he not then I honestly don't think we would have stayed the course. That's not to say though that I wouldn't have tried and stuck things out for a while. Until your friend can find out for certain that something is going on she will find it impossible to move on and make a decision. When she does find out and if it is as she suspects then it will be a whole new ball game and she will probably continue to change her mind and go through many mixed up emotions and feelings of self-doubt. All you can do is be there for her and encourage her to talk about how she feels and to accept that it is OK to be unsure of your way for a while.
~Carol~
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