What's my moral obligation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
What's my moral obligation?
12
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:27pm

Hi everyone! This is my first time reaching out to anyone online. I have been doing research on the topic but cant find anything. I figured human input might be helpful. My husband's mother is in the hospital dying from being hit by a car over a month ago. The doctor told him over the weekend that she has a 15% chance of making it. His mother has a 14 year old son which is my husbands 1/2 brother. If his mom dies he wants to live with us. My husband and I have a 4 1/2 month old baby so this is where my dilema lies. I dont know if we should take him in and if my husband wants it no other way and I disagree should I leave? Now that I have a son and I feel like my full attention and responsibility should be on him. Having a teenage in the house will require alot of my attention, emotions, etc which means I will not be able to give my son all he needs, wants, requires, etc. My husbands mom has not been a good mom (child neglect, drug & alcohol abuse) so his 1/2 brother has had an unstable life and I can only imagine the death of his mother making things worse for him. I came from a decent family and my teenage days were so hard for me and my mom put alot of time in effort into being a good mother especially once I become a teenager and started to push myself away so I cant imagine how much effort it will take for me and my husband to take care of a teenager. What should I do? Doesnt my son deserve all my love and attention? Or am I morally responsible to take care of my husbands 1/2 brother??

I hope I have made sense b/c I feel so confused.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 2:13pm

You are the only one who can answer your question.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 5:27pm

Thanks so much for your response. My husband and I can give him a much better home that what he has now. He has the option to live with his aunt and uncle but I would still say our home is better. I guess I just want to be realistic of things. Its going to take more than love and thats where I am confused. And its not that I want my child to be an only child b/c I was hoping to get pregnant in a year but having another child and sharing my attention with him/her is much different than making the choice to have a troubled teenager in my home to raise. Its going to change the dynamics of my household which includes my marriage and my relationship with my son. Im sure you are right though- the answser lies within me. My husband and I actually took his 1/2 brother in twice over the last 5 years but after a few weeks of living with us he went back to his mom b/c of his emotional co-depency issues. Plus we had alot of rules (standards, values) that he wasnt use to. Now he will be forced to live a life he isnt use to and Im not sure how he will react to that in the long run. Things are always nice at first and then the reality of things set in.

Thanks again for your kind words. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 4:08am

The more one loves the more love one has in their heart. Some may feel that to give love to another will take love away from someone else. It has been my experience that the opposite is true. I can not tell you what you should do, but it seems to me that you may be confused because deep down in your heart you already know what you should do. To turn away anyone in their time of need is not a good thing, but remember what ever you decide, you will have to live with.


Good luck!


Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself.


You may not be perfect, but you are all You've got to work with.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 7:05pm
There is no lack of love, we are in abundance, the more you put out the more you get back. I think you have a dream of how you wanted your family to be and here is this situation that knocks the dream off course. Life is like that. Things happen in families. Maybe this young man could turn out to be strong, bright, generous and so grateful to you for being his mom. Sure, it you did it, it would be a challenge. you most likely would need some help or see a therapist etc. Maybe he'd be rebellious in his grieving. You would need to get that mature side out there and rise above. Can ya do it? I have no answers. Whatever, i don't know. We all deserve love and a chance to be out best. That goes for you too. Would your husband be upset if you didn't take him in? Love, leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-1999
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 12:42pm
If you were the 1/2 brother, what would you want someone to do for you?

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 2:23pm
I cant even comprehend putting myself in his situation. I want to do whats right for son. Just because I "feel" like reaching out and taking in a teen with alot of problems doesnt mean its the right thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-1999
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 10:02pm

"I cant even comprehend putting myself in his situation. I want to do whats right for son. Just because I "feel" like reaching out and taking in a teen with alot of problems doesnt mean its the right thing to do."

No it doesn't. As other's pointed out, only you can decide this.

I suspect that you already know what you want to do, and you're looking for validation for your decision. No one else can provide that but you, though.

Good luck with your decision, these choices are never easy.

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:48am
Hi, I am new too, I read your posting 1st because you said you were new, and I was reading it to figure out where and how to jump in.
I was wondering, you said the boy wants to live with you and your husband- yet he has an aunt and uncle. Why is he choosing you, do you know? Does he feel more love and security with you two?
Just wondering.
Nikki
This is a great board! I am on a spiritual path, so gravitated to the title.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 6:57am

Welcome, nikki!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 1:07pm
Thank you, Bink for the warm welcome! It does seem like a friendly group!

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