Lessons from judgements......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Lessons from judgements......
17
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:12pm

I learned to judge from an expert; my mother. I assess about every person and situation in a blink of the eye, without even knowing I have done it. It's basis never really came from arrogance (so I thought) but rather feelings of inferiority. It gave me a basis for how I should feel about myself at that moment, and how I could place myself in society. Little did I know at nearly 50 I would realize many of these judgments have come back to haunt me throughout my life. I have judged others in many ways, most I so much thought I was above. I have duplicated the behaviour in some way, much to my embarrassment, pain and chagrin. I do judge myself harshly, not just others. I wonder what lessons may still be out there for me.  It sure would be nice to be able to turn off the judge, but it seems as natural to me as breathing.


Has anyone realized they have done the same thing? How did you address changing your behaviour?


Ok, so I have to scratch at this and judge whether this dialog belongs here or not.... I know we all have defects and we grow and change as we mature, but I'd like to think that my awareness this happens has something to do with my spiritual growth and not just a coincidence.


Nancy

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:05am

Nancy,
Yes, unfortunately your post struck a huge chord in me,-- but hey, realizing you have been judgemental, and wanting to change, is more that half the battle. You are already changing your perceptions, changing your mind.

It was actually a huge source of pride with my mom that "Nikki can read people so well at such a young age, no one can pull the wool over her eyes." I thought it was great that I could judge people so quickly! Studying different spiritual books, starting in my 20s, made it eventually dawn on me that this wasn't such a great thing. The light came on when I read that " The thing isn't that you shouldn't judge, the thing is that you can't judge. You can't judge because you (no one) can see the whole situation, know a whole persons past, can know all the nuances and consequences of each action. So relax, and put the need to judge away,set it down with a sense of relief." (really paraphrased)

So this is one thing I have worked very hard on, and I still stumble since judging came so naturally for me to do. I need to stay consciously aware of my thoughts at all times to be able to stop the thought half way through. Let me also mention that it extends to yourself--- don't judge yourself either, it is equally important!! For me though, I have found that when I look at others more softly and graciously, it naturally extends back to me.

So good luck, and don't beat yourself up if you catch yourself judging, just decide to stop and think of the person in a different light! This is a great path you are setting out on, and brings peace.
Hugs,
Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:09am

"So relax, and put the need to judge away,set it down with a sense of relief"


what a great line, i am going to add it to my daily affirmations. thank you so much for your input.


nancy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 9:37am

Hi, Nancy,

Interesting subject. All of us make judgments everyday of our lives, some of them snap, some of them longer, more deliberate. We wouldn't be safe, say, at an intersection if we couldn't rely on our judgment, or among some people whom we sense instinctively, that we, or our children, are just not safe around. So, some judgment is necessary, I think, but it's also unnecessary, in the sense that there are definitely some judgments I/we can let go of, that I/we come to find out serve us, and others, no good.

Discernment is a good skill to hone, and necessary. There has been a time or two in my life when swift judgment has meant the difference between life, and death. There have also been times when I've learned much later that my judgment was either not necessary, or unjust. We don't need to judge people based on how they dress, for one instance, but it's a fact that most of us do it. Women tend to look at other women's ankles, and shoes to “size up”, and men have a tendency to measure height and chest breadth in each other. Most of this “judgment” is accomplished in five seconds, and relatively subconsciously. Becoming (more) aware of our thought patterns, processes, and how they form into judgment is key, I think, as is deciding which of those are necessary, and/or need awareness, and change. Can be a challenge, but a worthwhile one. Thanks for the message, and opportunity to think about some things here.

Peace,
Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:29am


I am not sure where I learned to judge, but it is something that I don't like about myself. I sometimes have thoughts that are so foreign to my beliefs that it seems that they come from some other source. I ask to have these thoughts removed from me. I was told that they come from anger and hate. Not necessarily form my have of the ones I judge, but from hate nun the less. It might even be hate and anger that I feel towards myself that gets transferred onto others. It seems to me that hate and anger seem to perpetuate each other. When I feel hate, or start to judge another I become angry with myself and as a result the anger feeds the hate. It seems that the only way to eliminate hate is to replace it with love and acceptance. How do I do that?


One thing that came into my mind is that sometimes I forgive others for things that I don't forgive myself for. Sometimes I forgive people I like for things that I don't forgive people I don't like. How do I cultivate those loving feelings toward every one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 4:57pm

One of the things my DH has taught me is to look at things from the other person's point of view.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 8:53am
It certainly belongs here. i am not sure where I learned to be critical of myself, maybe mom, my father didn't talk much (:- ) so it must have been her. I still get judgemental about myself in general with control on it. I know how to talk to myself. I can tell myself to stop. I am very close to my peers at work, we are like a family. I notice how critical I am of what they eat. I keep it to myself. Once in a while I might say, " I don't do the American way" when offerred something full of trans fat. I have strong beliefs on health and watch my medical friends eat themselves to death. I am aware of this, live and let live. Lately I realize that in my mind I am criticizing. On another tone, maybe I am the power of example and silent educator. Now the spirit and the body, that is another subject or is it the same????????? Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 9:04am
If you think you have lots of anger and hate inside maybe write a list of who it is towards and why. Write your feelings and pain out that each person caused you and do a ritual with a friend, Go over each person and issue, cry, rant and rave, talk about it then heat up a wok, electric fry pan or something. ( I'll get to that in a minuite) have some stones you like in your hand, meditate on putting all the anger and hurt there, have nice music on. Then dip the stones in water,put the stones in the wok, pan whatever, fireplace. Then add more water and the steam will go up with the anger and hate. watch it go up to the universe. invite all the spiruts of healing, your master spirit guide etc into this ceremony. Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 11:04am

If I feel judgment welling up, I try to remind myself that I can't know what that person is feeling, what may have triggered their attitude today, or what their journey has been.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 12:05pm



Hey all, I am sorry that I was not very clear about what I wrote before. I am not walking around angry all the time, not even half of the time. However, when something happens that upsets me words come into my mind that are not related to how I really feel. They are like random thoughts, out of context words. They are not directed toward anyone at all, even though they are words that are used to judge. That is why they upset me. I am not sure where they are coming from. That is why I connect them to anger.



An Example:


I am working and lots of things are going wrong, or my supervisor treats me with disrespect. I become upset. I am walking around and am flooded with all these words. NO one is around, so they are not directed to anyone. That is why I don't understand what is going on.


I hope I have cleared things up, if not, I guess that is all right.


Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself.


You may not be perfect, but you are all You've got to work with.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 2:39pm

I think I know where you are coming from as far as you go around happy most of the time, then something happens that upsets you, and you are surprised at the intensity of the feelings, am I right? I think you hit the nail on the head, imho, when you said that:

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I think we hold a lot of guilt and unforgiveness inside ourselves, and it gets projected outwards when someone "does" something to us. (or; we allow ourselves to get upset at what they do, I guess we always have a choice!)

So, no, you didn't come across like you are any more angry than anyone else, we are all in this together struggling with the same issues!
Hugs, Nikki

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