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| Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:22am |
Hi, it's been a while since I've posted, but here goes:
I read somewhere that marriages/serious commitments don't "mature" until you are forced to overcome some sort of disappointment. Oh, it was one of the articles in February's O Magazine.
In your opinions, can you really overcome disappointment in a marriage? I suppose anything is possible if you're willing.
Here's the thing: I'm having to overcome a pretty big disappointment (well, maybe it's not, but it still hurts me almost 2 years later...), and a part of me kind of feels like this was the evidence to support a suspicion early in our relationship that yes I loved my now DH, but that maybe I didn't have quite enough romantic love for him to marry him. I can't ever decide if I have this resurfacing feeling of misery because that's just my nature, or whether it's my nature because I'm with him. We broke up several times before we finally got back together for good, but a part of me often wishes that I had listened to my intuition telling me that something wasn't quite right. But then, there was also always a strong feeling of wanting to make it work with him. And I mean, things are never bad between us; there's no abuse or neglect or anything like that. I think the absence of anything particularly negative makes it that much harder to figure out.
Anyway, I guess the ultimate problem is that I can't ever get anything to feel true to me for an extended period. Does that make sense? Some months I can change my thinking well enough to really believe that we can be alright, and other months I feel like I'm living a lie. I can't seem to find the balance or decide which is my true reality.
I don't know if I should be posting here or on a depression board or on a marriage board. Something told me to start here, though. Guess I need to schedule some visits w/my therapist, too. :0)
Thanks,
J.

Oh Jaye, (((hugs)))!!
Let's say you want to come from love and do the spiritual thing, voila you fit in. I can only relate to the fact that I married my 1st husband saying to myself during the ceremony, " I can always get divorced" hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no physical attraction towards him. So 6 1/2 years later, I faced it and left. What I identify with is the confusion I felt, the spaces in my life, longing for romance, the questions: is marriage like this after time, do other women feel no drive towards their husbands after being married for a while? I was young, what did I know. It was hard for me to leave, he was intelligent, came from a great family, was good to me. I had 3 little boys ( did it 3 X ) It was very hard for me. I figured it out in therapy. I did hurt people. What can ya do, we do the best all the way through life. I also met a lot of men who did not have some good qualities that he had. I see now that my X and I would not have lasted, we are soo different, he is a control freak and not warm. he is rich, just went on his 40th cruise, retired at 52. Cruises pollute the ocean. (:- ) I feel your emotions on this. Love, Leila
Thanks for your feedback and support, ladies. I just am one big ball of confusion. I'm disappointed that:
-we had a baby before getting married; she's now a toddler
-there was no proposal before getting married--I was upset because I'm thinking, "What the hell are you wtg on??" It felt like he was waiting for me to start acting better, nevermind my raging hormones due to a young nursing baby; so i only found out a week before we were to marry that he didn't have an engagement ring: all money was going towards daycare and his credit wasn't/isn't good enough to get a ring that way
-that it seems that he values the acquisition of things over the more intangible things in life: my staying home to raise the baby, spends money like crazy for fashion baby clothes (and for both of us), but says that we don't make enough for me to be a permanently part-time working mom
-he is uncomfortable discussing anything concerning spirituality
-he doesn't seem to be as 'smart' as I once thought
-he insists on working a travel job for the money rather than find a lower paying job in-town
-I don't know myself better
So, there we have it. Aside: Whenever we'd break up in the past, he'd refuse to be friends with me. I can't help but wonder where we'd be if he would ever have agreed to be friends. I wonder if I subconsciously bought into an all-or-none situation with him.
Ugh.
Hi, jaye218.
"I wonder if I subconsciously bought into an all-or-none situation with him."
Possible, especially if you think so. Sometimes we "force" ourselves into difficult, or challenging situations as a way to help ourselves confront issues, and/or do the work that we need, to be able to form significant, fulfilling relationships. It's a form of "tough love" on ourselves.
Another very real possibility may stem from your sense of confusion. Somewhere along the way, possibly as a child, or young adolescent, the messages you received about your self esteem, and the value of your own happiness, got mixed up with the expectations and needs of others. Sadly, it happens all the time with people, to one degree or another, especially if the parental models were not nurturing, and/or healthy in their primary relationships. Good news is that you can definitely overcome.
I suggest couples counseling, *and* individual counseling. There are also many resources on the web, such as www.marriagebuilders.com, that can help you, individually and collectively, with sorting some things out. You're probably not going to be able to leave this situation healthy, without the risk of repeating the pattern, without doing the work, at least some work with your mate. It may get worse before it gets better, but the clarification, and light at the end of the tunnel, new beginning, or peaceful end, will come for you. Take care of yourself! It's never too late to start being your own best friend.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
xxoox
Susan