QotW-3/23- Forgiveness? What's that?
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QotW-3/23- Forgiveness? What's that?
| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:07am |
Have you ever had something terrible happen to you at the hands of someone else? Do you carry anger at your parents or siblings for childhood incidents? Has a friend betrayed you?
Forgive and forget? Forgive but don't forget? Forgive them, forgive yourself, receive forgiveness from someone else or your higher power? What is forgiveness?
Ponder, please and respond... I can hardly wait to see where this one goes!
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Wow Barbara, you hit on a vulnerable spot with me here.
Hello, Cara,
I know you don't know me and I truly hope I'm not overstepping here, but I just want to extend a {{{{{hug}}}}}} of understanding (the story sounds quite similar).
I'm still working on a lot of *stuff* that I have in regards to things I've experienced. But what I seem to be learning about "forgivness" is that it is not what I once thought it to be ~ it's not about saying "Oh it's ok, no biggie, I forgive you" ('cos for me, for *a lot* of reasons, that's just not a healthy reply!) JMHO, but I think that (as several have stated in the thread) forgiveness is not about "them" it's about YOU. It's not a gift you extend to someone else but rather one you give your Self. It's about working through *it all* so that you do not have to carry the pain, anger, bitterness, mis-trust. Because (as Brush stated) all of that doesn't hurt "them" ~ but it sure as heck will harm you. Be gentle and loving w/ your Self!!
*~*Truly*~* wishing you Much Peace, "M""
Cara!
Hi "M",
You are not over-stepping at all.
Hi Jodi!
What changed my outlook was when I was going through a rough patch with my husband. We both were working a lot and never saw each other. When we did, we argued constantly about our children and finances. I was to the point where I had to choose my job or family because it took me away fromthem so often I barely knew them anymore. The stress turned into a serious depression. One night, I took an overdose of pills and my husband called my mom and told her he was taking me to the hospital. When she got to the hospital, she berated my husband...saying he was mentally abusive and that it was what caused my depression. We were both treating each other bad...it wasn't all his fault. After my mom gave him an earful in my hospital room, I told them to stop. My husband did, but my mom kept going off on him. Finally, he saw how upset I was getting and told her to stop being a b****. He realized what he said and apologized right after, but she didn't talk to him for 2 years.
We went through counseling and figured out why we were fighting all the time. We just never saw each other. Those two years though, caused way too much tension in our family...everyone..my dad, mom, sisters and us. I really tried to talk to her and resolve it, but her stubborness got in the way. The tension she caused by not forgiving, made me realize how badly it can affect others who are innocent bystanders.
It still bothers me sometimes. Mostly, because now I can't go to her with any problems I am having for fear it will turn into some drama. So, the forgetting completely is tough. I felt so much guilt for so long that it was my emotional problems that started it, it took me a long time to even forgive myself. To this day, I sometimes think about that time in my life and blame myself. But, I try to keep in prospective that I can't change the past...only the future.
Cara, has it occurred to you that you're grieving, not only your marriage but your friendship too? Sounds like you're in the anger stage. You have a lot of muck to wade through before you get to the place of forgiveness, and that's really okay. It also sounds like you're coming into your own place of strength, a place where you've taken the stand, have squared your shouldars and become determined to walk with your head held high and that's a very good thing.
I, too, would like to send you huge {{{{hugs}}}}. And like *M* said, please be good to yourself!
Bren
Cara, so nice to see you back, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.
What a great illustration of how holding onto anger can spread like poison.
I'm also learning that there seems to be an unspoken "society" of women out there who *understand* (at least in part) "where" you are on a very real & personal level. While I realize that your journey is truly your own and only you can go through it. I've found that, for myself, there have been many times that I've gained a great deal of strength from a "stanger's" understanding and encouragement (perhaps because I knew it to be *real* and not just a "pat on the back" and "oh you'll be ok" kind of deal, ya know?). And if I can give that back and help another in some way I'd be honoured to . . . . You have a *sister* here!
I understand the "it was all a lie" and "I was so nieve and such a fool" feelings ~ can't tell you how many times I've told myself that I was sooooo incredibly stupid! I guess it is kinda *human* to do that. And I won't even say that it doesn't help or serve a purpose to do so 'cos it really can (in protecting you for now and in helping you to see your part so you can *become* stronger) but I would like to say be careful w/ your *Self* talk. Please try to be as kind, gentle, and as objective as you can be with your Self. It's been a long journey for me, but I'm begining to learn how to be a true *friend* to my Self and how to extend to "M"e the love and understanding (and forgiveness) I so readily doled out to others.
"We cannot change the past ~ only the hold it has on us" (wish I could remember who said that . . . but it is very wise!)
It sounds as though you are doing well and moving in a good direction ~ keep moving {{hug}}! Congrats on finding a job you like. Do all you can for YOU!!
I think I may have to go check out that book, I've not read it, but it sounds like a good one!
Much Luv 'n Many Blessings, "M"
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