QotW-3/23- Forgiveness? What's that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
QotW-3/23- Forgiveness? What's that?
41
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:07am

Have you ever had something terrible happen to you at the hands of someone else?  Do you carry anger at your parents or siblings for childhood incidents?  Has a friend betrayed you? 


Forgive and forget?  Forgive but don't forget?  Forgive them, forgive yourself, receive forgiveness from someone else or your higher power?  What is forgiveness?


Ponder, please and respond...  I can hardly wait to see where this one goes!


Bink


 




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2001
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:39am

"I try to keep in prospective that I can't change the past...only the future."

I agree! A very good outlook! ;)) I would only add, we have in our hands only the NOW. The future is determined by what we do in the present. The past can be a warning, a cautionary, a lesson learned to help us in the NOW. Maybe even a means of support and comfort, at times. The future, though, is constantly in flux, depending on what we are doing in the present moment. ;))

As for forgive and forget. I forgive. I do NOT forget. Not out of a sense of guilt or anger or bitterness. But because difficult challenges in our lives are LESSONS we need to learn, I believe. And if we don't get the "message," we may end up repeating the challenge again and again, until we "get it." Does that make sense at all? :P It's letting go of the emotional burdens and shedding that baggage in order to move forward in positive direction. For me, it's important to REMEMBER the lessons learned to help me in the future as I make decisions and choices that affect not only myself, but my family as well.

I was estranged from my mother, also. The estrangement began in high school. We were never able to overcome the "wall." I could not go to her with my worries or concerns or to talk out problems/issues in my life, either. We were so different, even opposites in our world outlooks, it was like we couldn't speak a common language. :-\ She took opportunities to let me know, of course, that *my* outlook was wrong. :(( I found good friends to talk to, who became my "sounding boards" and support system. Sometimes, even with people we love, we have to accept that they can't be other than who they have made themselves to be. They are on a journey, too, of spiritual evolvement. Their lessons and challenges are different than ours, even though there may be some connections with our own, and why we incarnated together in this lifetime. While my mother & I were estranged throughout her life, on the other hand, I learned to think for myself, to honor my inner voice and direction, even in the face of her opposition and lack of understanding. And, now, all these years later, I understand that was also a gift she gave me, in her own way. ;))

Hugs,
Gypsy



Blessings,

Gypsy

)O(



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 12:15pm

My father and I rarely got along. I resented his every breath at times. The year before he died I discovered some things about myself, my path chosen before birth as the sacrificial lamb for the sake of growth and change within the family unit. Problem is as an adult I never let go of the role. I missed father’s day that year intentionally as I was not ready to tell him I was coming to an understanding and acceptance. A month later he died. I have forgiven him the pain he caused me from very early on, and even forgotten most with understanding, what still lingers is not forgiving myself for never making it right.


Last year when my mother had a stroke I went to Michigan as often as I could to be with her and ensure she was getting the best care and her needs were being met. In-between I relied on my sister to fill me in on her progress. She is one who keeps her head in the sand and didn't want to know what her status was so had little to share, I was frustrated. Only after she died did she in anger over an inheritance issue

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 12:30pm

When all this happened, it was in the beginning of our marriage. The time when you realize that, although you have a lot in common, you are totally different people. I had a habit of taking his faults and using them against him and vice versa. Put that with the fact that we worked opposite hours because we wanted to raise the kids and not have them in day care too much, when we did see each other the conversation kept coming back to whose faults were worse. It was mostly stubborness. I literally began to despise him because I didn't know him anymore. I was in a stressful job and he was in a profession that didn't suit him. He is an outdoor type and likes working construction. He took on a job as a store manager. My job required overtime constantly and I felt like I didn't really know my family. I barely saw the kids when they were awake.
What changed our relationship was when my mom stopped talking to us. At first, I took a leave of absense from my job and my husband quit his and started working as a laborer for a pipeline company. Within a couple months, he was promoted to a foreman. I quit my job, sold our house that was eating up all our money and lived paycheck to paycheck for awhile. It was the best time of my life! I spent time with the kids and every night my husband and I sat down and talked and realized why we married each other. We had so much in common! Everytime I would talk to my mom, she would say how miserable her life is and that she thinks I am lying about enjoying myself again just to "get back" at her. She was not happy. I realized that her negativeness caused my negativeness. I shortened my time I would talk to her and, if I do something she doesn't agree with, I stand up to her and point out it is my life and I will follow my own path.
Since then, my dh and I get along great. Of course we argue sometimes, but we don't call each other everything in the book. He is a Superintendent for a pipeline company and is the main provider and I work a small part time job to keep my sanity and I take care of my children on a full time basis. I feel very fulfilled.
My mom took awhile to come around. What changed everything was the day I called my grandmother in NJ and she bawled me out about family should stick together and I need to mend fences with my mom. I told her I have tried. I invited her to my kids' birthday parties and she wouldn't come and I had to call her because she wouldn't call my home. I think she thought my DH would jump out of the phone and attack her or something! I was really mad! My mom had no right to go around to all my relatives who don't live anywhere near us and air our dirty laundry! I ended up calling my father and telling him I have done all I could and I am telling him that he needs to talk to her and get over her anger and start being a grandmother and mother again. I told him that I will try one more time to invite her to my sons' birthday party that was coming up, after that, I give up and will not even attempt to work things out. I had other people who needed me that I needed to be there for. He must've said something because she came...although she had a sour look on her face!
She will still try to run my life, but I put her back in her place respectively and my husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and couldn't be happier!
My mom and DH talk now and seem to get along well. My mom seems to have swallowed her pride. Although, she has done this to a couple of her sisters since our blowout, she hasn't interfered in my life since.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2001
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 12:49pm

"My mom and DH talk now and seem to get along well. My mom seems to have swallowed her pride. Although, she has done this to a couple of her sisters since our blowout, she hasn't interfered in my life since."

I am so glad there is a peaceful resolution for you now! :))

I see your journey reflected in the one I had with my mother in law in the early years of DH's & my marriage. I had to set a line, a boundary of privacy, and it was hard for my DH to back me up, but he learned. I had to learn, and then open my DH's eyes, also, about the manipulations going on. While we understood the psychology of his mother, what life experiences contributed to her being the way she was, we also had to hold her responsible for her chosen way of behaving and interfering, and not give in because we "understood." KWIM?

She also gifted me, through the conflict, in learning and in DH & I really becoming a team. Not easy, not by any means, but it made our marriage strong.

These life lessons, from my mom and my mother in law, about learning to set boundaries in my life also applied to friends who brought too much negativity and conflict into my life, or overbearing supervisors or other people who thought their roles were to tell me how to live my life, how I "should" be. Those two ladies, and the others, all taught me to be strong, be a warrior when I needed to be. That is an awesome gift! Of course, it's much easier to *see* all this, now, when I'm older, and not living through it. ;))

Hugs,
Gypsy



Blessings,

Gypsy

)O(



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 1:36pm
I totally agree!
In a way, I don't forget because, if I did, I would've continued going down the same path my mom did. So, in a way, it influenced my life. I now realize that I have my own choices and opinions.
I think when you first leave the nest, you tend to do everything the way your parents did and go to them for advice more than your DH. I think it is because you are so used to them telling you what to do, it takes awhile to finally grow up and do what's right for you. If they are negative, you become that way. My parents were always the type that stayed at jobs because they needed the money or if they quit, it was irresponsible. I did that for 12 years before I realized it wasn't what I wanted in life. I started my job at 16 and let them take advantage of me for a long time. Now, I make my own decisions. If I don't like a job, I change it. If I don't like how someone talks to me, I distance myself from them.
My parents can still control people VERY well. I have a 35 year old sister who is so afraid to confront them, she does everything they say. Because of this, she never dates...because the man might not fit my parent's standards, and she wants to move, but tells everyone to keep it a secret because she is afraid of confronting my parents about it. I tell her that they can't tell you what to do and you have your son to think about. He is more important than if they agree or disagree, but she still doesn't have the nerve to tell them to butt out.
I am definitely happier now without the negativity, but I do thank them for making me realize I am in control of my life...not them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 3:21pm

The old saying "You can pick your friends, but not your relatives" takes an interesting turn when you apply it to belief in reincarnation.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 5:30pm

I am not a proponent of "forgetting" unless you equate that to remembering without anger.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 6:52pm

I absolutely did not realize that, but I think you are right -

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:01pm

Ahhh, {{{Cara}}}. Okay - breathe, nice and long.

Anger turned inward, or repressed, is the most harmful to you. It adds salt to your already very raw wounds. Please don't keep hurting yourself by keeping it in. You've said you want so much to forgive them, but you just can't. Take the time you need to process the grief first. In my experience, processing the griefwork helped me to make my own *new normal*.

I think the anger stage is probably the hardest to take, or it was for me anyway. Thankfully, I live in the woods of NH where there are plenty of trees (but I always picked on the already dead ones) to beat with a baseball bat or 2 by 4 or make my own boom bat with many layers of newspaper rolled up very tightly until it's at least a couple inches in diameter and a few strips of duct tape. I placed significance on each layer. It was wonderful to see all those layers rip apart in shreds as I vented out the schtuff. (Ginger's post about anger is pretty good - you can see it below a few threads.)

There are other ways to distill that anger, walking, or hard physical labor - gardening, rearrange your furniture, daily, or almost (heh-heh) go to a thrift shop and purchase old dishes and throw them against your basement wall. Then learn how to use the pieces in a mosaic - like tiles or stepping stones for your garden, flower pots, redecorate a mirror frame. Write letters to those who betrayed you - tell them all the nasty stuff you can't say face to face to them, then burn the letters. Build a small camp fire and voice your angst into the flames - the fire will cleanse the harshness if your intent is simply not to harm them in any way but allow your angst to be purged from you.

And allow yourself to cry - Every tear is a tiny silver thread that helps to sew up that hole in your heart! Give yourself permission to allow what comes up comes *out*! Maybe see a counselor or therapist for a bit for better suggestions.

And don't forget to beathe! Most of all, be good to yourself. You need to give yourself permission to heal. And please remember, the harder you push stuff down, the more likely it is to crop up later in your life. Embrace the pain, journal, and once you've worked through it, you'll have something that can help you remember how far you've come. Every step is a step - and even if you go backwards once in a while, and you will, you'll have something to show you just how far you've already journeyed.

Hugs, my new friend.

Bren

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:39pm

I think that's what needs to be done - taking the time to experience the anger.