to practice what I preach

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
to practice what I preach
8
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 1:05pm
Just when ya get it right situations happen. I was shocked to get an e-mail from my DIL attacking me for not telling her I couldn't go to a pediatrician's appt Monday. We talked about it a month ago. It was never confirmed that I could get the day off. Been using my personal days for Mas general appts. I get a note saying, how could I break a plan at the last moment, disappointed in me, etc etc etc etc and then to top it off, let's foget Wednesday's visit. Wed is the day I see my grandkids. Adam is 2, Anna is 2 months. I never thought kids would be used against me in "MY " family, we read about that in books or it is someone else's story.
I told her I was being punished, I am very responsible, I hear half of what is said but thought I got the jist of the conversation: if I could get the day off. I said I felt disrespected. I am an older woman, a wise one and her mom-in=law. That I felt attacked. And that was a different subject than a mis communication. I did say she must be very stressed and signed it with love. I have not heard anything, it is before Christmas. I had just worked out issues with my son re: his anger that I was divorced when he was 4. He thought a lot of me to come to him and talk to him the way I did, now I get it from her. I am not the kind of grammie that will take inappropriate treatment to see grandkids. I have to be respected where ever I go. She is not warm, she is controlling, a germ freak ( no kissing the kids) but does have good qualities. She has never spoken to me like that. I was in shock. I think, " what would Jesus do or even Rabbi Kuschner?" I spoke of my feelings not accusing her. I know I could do better and not use e-mail back, should have called or taken a day to think about all kinds of alternatives. I have to go around saying: wouldn't it be nice I had a DIL who showed concern for me, if I had a DIL who was not a germ freak, wouldn't it be nice if if only my Christmas turns out decent., I have to scratch the thoughts of anger and thoughts of not being at their house on Christmas eve.
What a bummer. If I didn't answer her she may be wondering, oh, what do I do now????? I just don't know, my other 2 sons are sooooo loving. I don't have the energy for this. In her mind she is always right anyways.
Now, I go to bed and wake up with tendonitis in my arm, on a medrol dose pack, can't move without pain, pain when I don't move. Wondering if my body decided to put the emotional pain into physical????????? I have no idea what the best way would be to handle my situation, but it is a little late to ask. there is nothing to do now but turn it over to the universe. How do evolved people come from love, get their point across and only spread love. Family wars are the worst. Usually so stupid. Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:45pm

Oh, Leila, that's the worst when the children are used as punishment.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 8:35am
Thank you. I have to turn it all over. Not easy. Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2001
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:05am

I am so sorry this conflict has arisen for you. HUGS! I think you did the right thing by responding. You should be treated with respect and especially friends and family, should take extra care to communicate with you. I am hard of hearing, too. Fortunately, for me, hearing aids still help, but they are so expensive. And they do not REPLACE hearing lost. They help, but never will I hear like I used to. So, I understand about miscommunication or not getting all the information, or not completely understanding what is said. HUGS! It is difficult to live in the "hearing world" when the hearing people are not more considerate of your hearing loss. And using denying visiting time with your grandchildren as a way to "get back at you?" That is immaturity, I think. And so very unfair.

I hope your DIL will think about what has happened, and realize she needs to be more considerate of you, and also more conscientious in communicating with you, double checking things. When I am depending on someone else for something, I always re-confirm a day or two ahead of time, to make sure we are all on the same page. I use email or instant messaging on the computer, too, because it's easier than a telephone! <:O

I think you've done all you can for now. Leaving it in the Universe's hands is the right approach, I think. I leave it to my Goddess and send loving energies out, too. ;))

Hugs,
Gypsy
)O(



Blessings,

Gypsy

)O(



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:37am
Thank you gypsy for taking the time to write. I can't believe DIL spoke to me that way, and used the children. So not in my value system. I will not be around abuse even if family. Hopefully she will get into a Christmas spirit. There is nothing I can do now. I have to keep ot of the victem role and realize she is the one with the problem. Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:49am

That is exactly it, she is the one with the problem. It's incredibly unfortunate that she has to go so far as to use the kids as punishment, because she is not only hurting you, but them as well.

As for "what would Jesus do", well, the first I think you've already done - turn the other cheek. Fighting back will get you no where, so you did the right thing by responding reasonably without accusing, and signing with love. The next thing would probably be "do not judge lest ye be judged". We've all made terrible mistakes at some point in our lives, and it's inevitable that one day we'll be on the receiving end of someone else's mistake. We are all human and no one is perfect. We can't presume to know what is going on in your DIL's head, but we can only hope that she'll realize how immature and hurtful her actions have been.

I wish I could offer some suggestions. My best friend just gave birth to twins last month, and while they aren't related to me by blood, I love them dearly and would be devastated if she didn't let me see them for some reason as trivial and immature as this.




Image hosting by Photobucket


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:59am

Thank you Kelly, you hit it on the nose too.

Most of us know, " I am sorry" is magical. Many do not have humility. I am trying not to judge. People who are controlling need the prayers. They control because they feel out of control. we can never get into the minds of others. If I can just get thru my life showing more love to people and animals than not love, I will be happy.

I do wonder how Christmas eve is going to shape up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never see my kids on Christmas. Who knows what she will do with this one. My other sons will never betray me. Love, Leila

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:01pm

Lashing out at you is just a reflection of her own issues.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 6:22pm
read my next post.