How do you handle arguements?
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| Mon, 01-29-2007 - 8:28am |
Since finding this site I have asked a lot of questions! It's just that you offer so much great advice that you were the first I thought of to ask. I am a person that loves peace and tranquility, I am also a person (if you believe in astrology) who is an Aries in western astrology and a Tiger in Chinese astrology. Both are considered to be hard headed and stubborn and I hate to say, I am both. My temperment is such that I can get easily rilled and then angered over something so trival. I notice it more as I get older and try as I might, I can't seem to get it underwraps. I try to ignore what is bothering me or simply say "stop it" but underneath I can feel my blood boiling until it just boils over and I snap. I have a tendency lately to yell "Shut up" even though I hate that word and then I just stop all forms of communication. I am not aggressive, I do not throw anything or hit anyone, I just can't articulate my pain, or anger for that matter. Even though I want a happy, peaceful home and existence I cannot seem to get there because at each foolish or not so foolish arguement there seems to be a road block.
So, how do you guys handle arguements?

I'm afraid I'm not much help... I tend to be very emotional.
I used to get worked up about stuff and had this argumentative streak that left me agitated when things didn't go my way.
And here I thought I was the only one that got aggressive on this site. Good to know I'm not alone. Seriously, I thought it was just me for a long while. I know all relationships take work and that I need to work at the ones which are important to me. Yet knowing this, when I get to the point where I can feel myself getting angry I have in the past said forget it, and walked away from an otherwise great relationship/friendship. I tend to look at every arguement as if it is HUGE, even though as Bink mentionned most when you look at them are trivial. I will definetly take into account all your suggestions and will let you know how it goes.
Off topic, Jody, your son is a doll! What a cutie!!!
I tend to tend to think every arguement with my SO, Tom, is HUGE and that it spells doom too.
With a 30+ year marriage and a grown DD of 25 on her own, I'd say I have had many, many lessons in compromise, the lengthy effort for consensus, and the art of giving in when reason convinces me to do so. LOL! :D Not all lessons were "successful" all of the time. I have had, and still need to, learn to harness emotionalism and handle things calmly and rationally. I have also learned not to sell myself out, my instincts, views or wisdom. I have learned to recognize there is differing wisdom based on differing perspectives, and that sometimes both are right, and the challenge in figuring out a combination solution rather than an all or nothing approach.
It's important that each can have their say. The art of listening without reacting. Focusing on hearing and understanding what is said, not planning one's own rebuttal back. That is often hard. To shut my mouth, focus my thoughts on listening, and LISTEN. One thing I learned when I begin to get upset, is to recognize it, and if everyone else is also upset, to end and resume later when everyone is calmer. Easier said than done. I also start deep slow breathing while I continue to listen to what another is saying. So that my emotions can calm down, and I can respond and not just react. Sometimes emailing or writing things down can help distance the emotional part that can derail a relationship.
I don't think arguing in itself is bad. It's how you handle differences of opinions, and set priorities of what is really important to work to agree on, and what is workable for a resolution to "agree to disagree." I guess for me the non-negotiable is that everyone has a right to his/her "say" on the matter. Once that is done, the even harder work begins -- to find a solution all can live with. My foundation with DH or anyone, is that I am on equal footing and that my thoughts, needs, and ideas are just as valid as anyone else's. I also respect the validity of other's thoughts, needs and ideas.
Just my 2cents. ;))
Gypsy
)O(
Blessings,
Gypsy
)O(
It helps to figure out WHY you get so angry, because then you can recognize it and work on the root problem itself.
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Hi Unicorn,
This part of your message hit home for me: " I used it to hide the fact that I had absolutely no idea how to handle confrontation, and to hide the fact that I had no self-confidence (I felt that getting angry was the only way to prove that I wasn’t some meek, defenseless little girl)."
That's exactly how I feel when I stop and think about it. I don't want to be seen as a meek and mild girl who can easily be taken advantage of. I think I took it to the extreme though. I too, find it difficult to articulate myself when there's an arguement in place. I know how to do one of two things, blow up or shut down, neither of which brings me much good.
I will definetly use your techniques and hopefully they will work for me as well as they did for you. Everyone who posted had great ideas and I appreciate them so much! I want to make this year the year I learn to live a little and not be so damn serious all the time. Funny thing is that isnt even the way I see myself, but it is the impression I give off.
Thanks again!