New here, I need some help
||Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:51pm
Hi. I am new to this board. I have visited a couple of other boards--relationship boards, but think I may need to be here instead. I need some help with underlying issues because I don't think it's my relationship that is the problem. I have a great boyfriend who is very patient with me. I think I have the problem. I moved to California 4 years ago with my ex boyfriend. We had a hard time making friends. He worked as a waiter at night and I worked as a temp at a publishing company during the day. This went on for about a year. We had opposite schedules and so I didn't meet anyone because I would have had to go out alone. I am pretty shy in new social situations. Then he began working as a realtor and I started freelancing as an editor/writer. Working from home--alone--was not a good way to meet people. We met a few people eventually but noone I connected with on any deep level. Anyway, I felt pretty isolated being so far away from my family and friends. My relationship didn't work out and I moved back to where I am from to sort things out. I felt much healthier after reconnecting with people that care about me. My ex and I started talking again and he convinced me to move back to CA. I said OK and went back but he had moved in with a roommate and expected me to find one too. We had lived together for 4 years. I didn't know anyone to live with so had to move in with a stranger. I am very private and have never had a roommate before. This was a very stressful and very lonely and painful time for me. I lived with an older guy and there were no friendship possibilities there. My ex was very mean to me and seemed the only reason he wanted me back was to punish me for leaving. My self-esteem dropped and the lonliness/isolation came back. We broke up and I made plans to return home again (I can't afford to live here on my own). I had made very good friends with my ex's roommate, however. We connected in a way I've never with anyone else. We began dating and he asked me to stay. We moved in together even though it was really early in our relationship. He had to move out of my ex's apartment because he was upset over our relationship and I had to move out of where I was because I'd put in notice and my roommate had already lined someone else up to move in.
I told myself I didn't want to stay here for another man and attempted to make some friends and I got a good full time job. I have made some friends but am in no way comfortable here and am very lonely. I have so much anxiety. I keep taking out my stress on my boyfriend. I am afraid of losing him so I mess things up all the time. Over the weekend there was a big incident and my boyfriend said he would give me another chance but now I am so embarrassed and insecure about our relationship. I don't know how to alleviate my anxiety or get over my fears or lonliness for my family. He is not from here either and asked me to move with him back home in a year. I said yes because I don't like it in California. I know I don't want to live where I am from (Minnesota) even though I miss my family and friends so much.
Because I feel I have so much to lose if I lost this relationship, I have become paranoid. I am jealous and get angry very easily. This is not me but I don't know how to stop. My boyfriend really loves me but I keep doing things to drive him away. Does anyone understand? Any advice? I can't afford to go to a therapist right now. But if I don't stop what I am doing I will lose someone very special. Most importantly I am losing me. I have been a strong person before I am not sure how to regain my strength. I know I ultimately must be happy with myself and not depend on my boyfriend to make me happy. It's not that. I just don't know how to pull myself up.