What's wrong with me?
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|Tue, 10-21-2003 - 11:15am|
I'm new to this board, but have been hanging around ivillage for quite sometime. I'm hoping you gals can give me some insight, advice and support.
Well, I hate to sound like a complainer, but I have a feeling that's how this message is going to come across. I have been in somewhat of a funk for about the past 2-3 years. It all kind of started when I got pregnant. We had been trying to have a baby, but when it finally happened, I was still shocked at how much my life would change. Call me selfish, but I was so used to being a career woman, making a great living, and having tons of free time. Of course, I wasn't stupid - I knew things were going to change, but it was still a shock. However, things have gone downhill from then. I have been having major financial problems, which is creating horrible stress in the marriage (my husband is self-employed and makes decent money, but we were used to living with twice the salary before my son was born). I was diagnosed with a chronic disease last year, which is not iminently fatal, but it definetly can turn that way if I'm not very careful. I was let go from my job of seven years in May due to supposed dire financial problems the company was suffering. Personally, I think they regretted agreeing to letting me work a part-time schedule after my son was born, and needed an excuse to let me go. (I have an outstanding personnel record - in writing.) Knowing that something was up at work for about a year before I was let go, I started looking for a job back in the summer of 2002, with no luck. The stress of being "stuck" at home with a toddler was making me crazy. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE MY SON with all my heart, but I wasn't having any adult interaction and I was just going crazy. With the stress between my husband and I, nothing was right in my life. I finally landed a job through a temp agency last month, but quit because I was there for almost a month, and had not even been given access to the computer system to do my job. I was already a month behind in my work, and never had a chance to catch up. Not to mention, I was only there on a temp basis so I didn't have any insurance, and nothing to look forward to. I had been an executive secretary for seven years, and was assigned to a job where I was answering phones and not able to do the rest of the job I was hired for - for half the pay, no benefits, and no future with that company. It was ridiculous. In the meantime, my husband's brother left company they were owners of, and turned it all over to my husband. This move has turned out to be a blessing and a nightmare at the same time. I now have something to take up some of my time (I'm doing the bookkeeping for my husband's company) but I've never done it before, so I'm struggling to figure it all out. Plus, my son is home with me 3 days a week, so hardly get anything done. In addition, my grandmother died 2 weeks ago, I have a non-existent relationship with my other grandmother, and my father who I am VERY close to is in poor health. I don't know how I can handle any more stress in my life. Some of my close friends have started half-jokingly calling me "tightly wound" - my new nickname. While I try to laugh it off, I don't think they realize it does hurt. I'm just so stressed about about EVERYTHING that my brain is fried. If I don't get this under control very soon, I fear that I'm going to spiral into a major depression.
I'm so sorry for the rambling message, but I kinda felt like I had to vent. The bottom line, in my opinion, is this: I think that I have tried so hard my entire life to feel validated, and it seems the harder I try, the less appreciated I feel. There also always seems to be something "going on." Either a death in the family, loss of a job, the diagnosis of illness, etc. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me complain, but really, I'm looking for support and advice. The stress is overwhelming (I didn't mention half of the other things that are going on) and I don't know where to turn. I have sought professional counseling in the past, but I can no longer afford it at this point. Any suggestions and advice would be much appreciated.