I just don't know anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
I just don't know anymore...
12
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 12:10am

Hi,


I am 29. I've been through a lot. I am estranged from my family (not my choice) I grew up in foster care due to an abusive mother. None of my family talks to me because I guess they feel that I embarrassed them and they are also selfish like my mother.


Anyway despite my unfortunate childhood, I joined the Army, fought for my country, been all over the world and I am about to graduate with  BA in psychology ( I am no longer in the Army) and I am EXTREMELY LONELY. I don't have any friends and I just keep having relationships with men that end up hurting me, even if I choose the total opposite of the guy I had before. But lately no guys even look my way, I have gained a lot of weight because I am feeling very low and I eat. Yes I am in school, but I just feel so alone. I have no boyfriend, no friends and no family. Doesn't God allow us atleast one of those things?? I keep thinking that I will not live long because my life just sucks. Is there anyway that things can get better? I mean can I least have a good adulthood since my childhood was so painful?


A girl that I know told me tonight (her 30th birthday) that not only is she newly pregnant, but she has a great boyfriend and is just so happy. We were just both complaining about the lack of men last month. ...I just don't understand when will it be my turn to be happy?


I wish I could feel pretty, I wish I had friends, I wish my phone would ring. I joined websites and the guys either want to have sex that night (which I don't do so soon) or they don't follow through...


I just feel so worthless and unfortunate and it is making my panic attacks soar...Thanks so much for listening to me...I hope that someone out there can relate to me...I feel like I am losing it. I'm so sad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 8:00pm
Hello....I just want you to know that you are definitely not alone. I have been through so much in my life that if it wasn't for God helping me keep my sanity I would have lost it a long time ago. I sympathize with you because I have been from one situation to another and I keep asking those questions that you asked...when will I finally have happiness that will last? Why does my life seem so hard and like it has no meaning? I have gained weight, I don't feel pretty, I feel worthless......
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 11:47pm

I know how you feel, believe it or not... I have been through such not-so memorable childhood, but i think you just have to pull yourself together, life is full of chances. And so are you, judging from how the way you elaborate about what you are now... I just think that you have more better life if you could just try to do some things that you're not usually doing, keep yourself busy, you say you do not have any friends!? Try hanging out with people you usually sit with at school, sometimes... the first move to a wonderful friendship is you have to make it yourself, who knows... there are people around your school who wants to be your friend, and just don't know how to interact with you. Just try to be friendly, it won't hurt if you do...

I would like to ask a question... When is the last time you opened your Bible!? Do you have one!? If you do, spending time with Jesus by reading the Bible and calling up to him, is another way of looking for enlightenment. I just remember what my Church Sunday School Teacher always tells me when i'm always alone, and i would like to share it to you and to everyone who reads this post... "Jesus is everyone's Best Friend"

Hope i did help you in some way that i can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:58am

Hi,

First off I want you to know that you are not alone. I do not share the experiences that you endured in your childhood. However, I can relate to you feelings about wanting to feel happy, and wanting to be in a successful relationship that lasts. As I just got out of a relationship where we were planning on getting married. I have a BA in psychology, so we also have that in common. Also you should be so proud of yourself for joining the army. That is so brave. So thank you so much for that. If it was not for people like you we would not have the freedom we have today. Thanks again.

Well anyways, what I have learned is that god would never put us through situations that he did not feel that we could handle. Yes, some of those experiences you have endured, and that I have endured may not be something we would think god would want us to go through. But at the end of the day, we have to try are hardest to take some sort of positive lesson out of it and learn and grow in to the person we want to become. Joining the army and going to university I would say are pretty big steps towards achieving what you want to be. I know that it is hard to always remain positive when things are not happening when we want them to. But like I have recently realized things will happen when they are meant to happen. All the situations we go through are here to help prepare us for what is in store. When I started responding to your post I was in a really bad mental space, that is why I came on the board. But once I started to think about how god would never want anyone of us to suffer. I began to feel more calm. I have always believed in god. But just recently started going to church, as I needed to get out of the rut I have been in. Do you go to church? If so, I would recommend it. Even if you are not religious, just listening to positive talk helps to ease the mind.

Have you talked to a counsellor? I started going and it has helped a lot. Plus, I find it is great professional development, as you get to learn new skills and methods. Plus, the best counsellors are those who have experienced what it is like to be a client. So because you did a Psych degree, I am guessing that you may enjoy it. Sorry if I am wrong. I hope that I am not coming across as pushy. Just wanted to share what has helped ease my mind, and make me feel more at peace inside. Best wishes. Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 8:41pm
I do believe that God does know whats right for us, but when I get in the mind frame that I was in a few days ago when I posted this, it is almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I saw my therapist yesterday and she made me feel a lot better she said maybe now is the time to learn to love ME, so I can recognize real love when it comes....and I do I want to love myself....Its good to know that I am not the only one in this. Lets continue to pray and just try to have faith because it is hard...very hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 8:46pm
Hi and thank you for posting...yes I have a relationship with God, HE was the one that got me through my childhood and I know it...Sometimes I feel like he is punishing me or something...when you are depressed (when I am, which I am) i don't think rationally. I continue to ask God for guidance to be able to see, to get out of my head....Thank you so much for responding to my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 9:00pm

Thank you for responding...yes it does seem we have a few things in common....they say most psychology majors are wounded healers or seomthing to that affect, meaning we have been through things and have something inside of us that motivates us to want to do this....


Anyway thanks, joining the Army was something I had to do at 18 because I was homeless and no longer in foster care, so I took that step and I am glad that I did...I SOOOO DO believe in God. But I just wish he could help make me happy or show me how to be. I want to live, I want to be here and I just don;t want to exist, but be truly happy.


I do see a therapist and she told me on Tuesday that the best thing right now is to concentrate on myself and school....i mean really dig in deep because even my grades have suffered becasue of my mental state...I will continue to pray, try to keep my head above the water so I can look back one day and give myself the credit I deserve....Thanks again.


You can talk to me anytime...I hope you have a good night!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 2:54am

Hi again,

I just read your reply to me. I totally understand how your mental state can affect your homework. I am currently enrolled in an online course, and it has been so hard to fully put all my effort in to the class. Even though I was so excited about it when I first enrolled in it. This last week has been so bad for me. I have not worked because I have not been able to fall asleep, then wake up early. Which really bothers me, because my commitments are so important to me. However, like all my friends have said maybe your body and mind just needs this. Since, you have been on the go for so long. Just creates a lot of stress for me when I miss work etc... I know that it is really truly hard to go through the days and want to truly feel it. That is exactly how I feel. I feel like for the past few months even a year, that I have been just going through the motions of the days. Even though I do have such a great support network of family and friends. Plus, have a lot to be thankful for. Just to me there needs to be something more. Even when I was with my ex bf I felt this way. I think that is when I realized that what I was missing was a true purpose, and was missing god in my life. Anyways, I hope that you are doing okay. Feel free to message me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 11:27pm

Hi..........I didn't have the childhood you did but I can relate to the loneliness part.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2004
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 2:11am

Can I just say ....men can't make you feel better about yourself. That is why you keep having bad relationships. I know this because I am the same way. I know you don't want to hear this but ....until you realize that your life isn't going to change until you start loving yourself. You are right...look at your accomplishments. You have been all over the world and survived. Don't you think that is a major achievement on your part considering life in the military. You did a fabulous job and survived. You should be so proud of yourself. You need to think of yourself as being a great person b/c you really are.


Also....Learn how to enjoy what you have. Find a hobby b/c men ...no matter how great it might seem at the time....can annoy and make life difficult. Hobbies tend to be much better outlets and women that are looking for that outlet such as you and me would benefit more from a hobby than a person always there. I don't know about you but I like my privacy. With a man always around you can't have that....and I can't stand the intrusion. Neway...find a hobby and keep talking....get this stuff out of your system and you will feel better.

Tracey
Tracey
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 4:42am

I am sorry it took so long to post back...I have been going to therapy and working on some of the things I posted. You guys are so great on this board and so right. I was lonely but I am learning to look in the mirror and say you did good, look what you've done. I don;t need a man to validat me...but on a Saturday night, gosh my mind just goes on and on about how nice it would be to have someone hold me.


My therapist and I have talked about this A LOT. And just like you guys, she says it is IMPERATIVE that I focus on me, get a hobby, work on school, do things I love...so I can love myself...and then I can recognize a good man when he comes. I am still kind of young, so God willing, I will have much more time on this earth.


When you feel as low as I get from time to time, all of my accomplishments seem like nothing to me, but I am forcing myself to say something nice about myself everyday...I want to love myself and I will!!!


I have to admit that I want to date (its been 10 months since I had sex...lol) and you know we all have needs, but I guess a little toy will have to do for now...lol...but the most important thing is working on myself esteem ans issues.


TAHNK YOU ALL SOOOOOO MUCH ((( HUGS )))... You ladies are really great.

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