Reaching out for help...
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|Fri, 04-09-2010 - 12:25am|
It upsets just to sit here typing this and realize I've had to result to asking strangers help me get through a time in my life that I'm not even sure I can make it though. Please don't get me wrong- I think this site and the communication it offers are fantastic. I just wish I had a friend or family member's shoulder to cry on.
To start out, I'm only 23. People my age don't have the problems I have. I've never wanted to like the typical "college life" and am incredibly mature. However I find myself jealous of their freedom sometimes.
My job is currently the main cause of my stress. I left a company that didn't make me happy, but paid me extremely well to come work somewhere with less compensation in the hopes I would be happier. Sometimes I am, I have weekends off unlike before. However I have been repeatedly promised raises and now, 8 months later, still make less than half of that which I did at my former company. Also, my current employer is in a male-majority field of work. I am a pretty young that's well endowed, if you get my drift. I don't mean that to sound conceded but it is all the men I work with see. Beyond that I am extremely smart and an incredibly hard worker. These details are constantly over looked. There are no words to describe how challenging it is to work in a sexist company.
I can't pay my bills. Just last month my power was shut off. I come from a family with money but my parents don't spoil me. I have to work to pay all my bills. My car is falling apart and I cannot afford a new one. There are often days that I skip meals because I just can't afford to go to Publix. This is all a culture shock as well. I never went without growing up.
Speaking of growing up.. my parents got divorced after nearly 30 yrs of marriage when I was 18. I went on an amazing ten day senior trip just after high school only to return to my father's belongings gone from my house and no one home. From there my Mom was never home and stopped paying the bills. I quit college and went to work so that my house could have a/c and power. Finally I moved to the city and was on my own. I've reconnected with my dad after not speaking for some time. I felt like he abandoned me and I couldn't see it any other way. Finally I understood he had no choice. He's now back to being the single most important person in my life. My mother on the other hand re married and is not the same person that raised me. We do not speak.
Both my parents have a disease that effects their livers. Something my father contracted when serving in Vietnam and passed to my mother. I live each day terrified of losing them.
My family holds high expectations for me. My brother owns his own business with a masters. He is married and just adopted a baby. My sister also owns her own business with her husband and has four children. These are the things expected of me. Instead I am 23 and still don't even have my AA.
I have recently been seeing a cardiologist to try and figure out why I constantly feel like I am having a heart attack. Hundreds of dollars later (that I don't have) the results said... I'm stressed. Couldn't have figured that one out on my own...
I have no love life. No time for it. The only romance I see is one that I shouldn't. This one may rub some the wrong way but if I've learned nothing more in my life it's that you cannot judge someone until you've been in their shoes. That being said, I'm sleeping with my boss. My married with children boss. It started out one way and has turned into something entirely different. I thought I could not develop feelings but I was wrong. He plays with my head though and tells me in various ways how he cares for me too. Yet despite that, he's still married...
I don't sleep. Each night I take a mix of Xanax and Tylenol PM. I sleep maybe 3 or 4 hrs a night. Stress has given me an awful case of acid refulx so when I do sleep, it's sitting up.
I have lost my friends and if not for my Dad I would have no one to talk to. Sometimes I can't even talk to him thought,
I see no way out. I'm falling down this rabbit hole of chaos and can't stop. Every day I get deeper and deeper and that's going to make it all the harder to find my way out one day. I don't know what to do. I am miserable. I don't even know how any of you could possibly help me but I can't explain how greatful I would be if you could.