Feel older than my age...confused!
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|Sat, 05-15-2010 - 9:44am|
So I have no idea where to post this and I don't even know how to explain it.
Iam 22, yet I feel like I have the mindset of say a 35 year old...if that makes sense. Where I live we have two huge,world known universities,so there are alot of people my age in the city.I work in retail at an accessories store so I deal with people my age on a daily basis. I know people my age go out and party on weekends,however Iam not like that,and I have been this way for the last 6 years or so.I just don't have that desire to go out and get drunk and go to clubs.I think it's a waste of money and just don't find it appealing.This belief Iam fine with,I know others my age that are the same. However I have this HUGE desire,at my age to own a house,get married, have a kid...the whole bit.I want all that sooooo bad and feel Iam mature enough to handle it....maybe not finaicially,but emotionally and psychologically.Mind you I do realise that at my age having all that is very unrealistic,which is why I do not have a kid,own a house or am married. All the girls I work with said when they first met me they thought I was like 28,because I act older apparently.
My mom passed away when I was 15 which caused me to grow up very fast,and I think that is why Iam the way that Iam. I was engaged last year but left the relationship a week before the wedding. I feel like I almost was a wife and almost had the married life,I could have had a child and had that cookie cutter life that I want.But now its like I went from almost being married to being just a gf,its like starting from scratch and now it will be years before I actually get married and have a kid and have a house.And I don't like that.Im frusterated because I wish I could time travel and jump to the future and live that life now. I know ALOT of people my age that are married and have kids and even have a house,and Iam so jealous of them,I don't get why I can't just have that.Iam done being 22,I don't do what most people my age do,like I said go and party,I don't date Iam in a serious relationship,I don't even like the thought of "playing the field" and being single like so many my age do,I would much rather be in a serious committed relationship that I know is going somewhere. My best friends sister,who is 18 just got engaged and I flipped when I found out.I mean i know shes making a mistake,getting engaged so young when she's only been with the guy less than a yr. But Iam 4 years older than her,I should be the one engaged and planning a wedding.Everyone else seems to be doing it,and I have done that already,but I want to go through all that again....yet obviusly have the relationship workout!
I know it sounds like Iam in a "rush" for all this,but I feel like that is where Iam in life,like I said,Iam done with being 22.Iam over it. I wish I were 30. I probably sound like an 8 year old that wants to wear high heels and makeup,and people say their growing up too fast lol. Well thats different,8 year olds don't have that emotional aspect with wanting to do what the older girls do.They just want to do it coz they think it's cool.Well I don't want to get married or have a kid coz I think it's cool....I want all that because...well I want it.I feel like that is where I should be,that should be what Iam doing.I mean I can't time travel,so obviously Iam just going to have to wait until things fall into place,but Iam unhappy waiting,I feel like Im twittling my thumbs just letting time pass until all that happens.Like someone waiting for a train.They know whats coming,yet they cant make it happen any faster.
I even find I get along better and have better conversations with people that are older.People my age I have trouble relating to,which is probably why I don't have any friends.And that isn't an exageration,its the truth.I literally sit at home alone when Iam not with my bf.I have no one I can call up and talk to and spend time with.Even the girls at work,we all get along and are like a family,yet they all do things together,like go to the beach and drink,and Iam never invited to do anything with them,probably because they see me as not liking that kind of thing,which is true.Infact I lost alot of friends because I had nothing in common with them.They would have stories about getting drunk and one night stands,and I would just sit there laughing along,thinking to myself,your a loser....and then my stories would be about work or some movie I saw.Nothing they were interested in.
I probably sound like a nut case lol But I had no idea how to even explain it all.