Starting A New Path
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|Mon, 06-07-2010 - 5:06pm|
I'm not sure why I'm going to post this; however, I feel as if I need to vent a little bit. I'm pretty stressed at this moment in time. First, I dropped out of college. I haven't felt motivated, getting the best grades (but still passing), and had no idea what I wanted after graduation (which was in a few years, I'm 22 now).
I have a part time job, that pays pretty well then most mid-wage jobs. I'm going to change it to full time so I'll be able to pay those loans back I already taken out, pay bills and have food money.
I have a problem though, and I highly doubt my parents are willing to accept what I want in life right now. I honestly just want to be out on my own, I want to find myself and be able to take care of myself on my own. I'm extremely sick and tired dealing with my family's abuse. I don't want to have any sort of contact with them after I change things. Is it so bad that I want to live life and work right now?
I'm so stressed that I'm going to end up falling and hitting rock bottom, then my parents will just sit there and laugh at my failure. I'm afraid when I finally go back to their house and try to get the rest of my things, papers and everything (even give back of what's theirs) that they'll try to stop me.
On another note, I feel as if you can't get anywhere without some sort of degree. I hate the fact that I'll have to push myself through college just so I have something when I'm not even Doing that great. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was thinking what if I just went to a community college, finished up there for two years and had a degree... but none of them are close to where I live. I live near a University... Eh. I'm not sure I can even go back now. I don't know...
I'm so sick of being in this grudge in my life. Going back and forth between "having" to have a career, wanting to just work, wanting to get away from my family once in for all, being happy, having strength in myself.. EH.
I want OUT of this reoccuring cycle with my parents and family. I want to be HAPPY knowning I'll have a life of my own. .. I'm also scared that If I pick working and staying where I am right now, I'll be alone for a good long time. Currently, I have no friends, no family, no one and no, I do not sugar coat that. It's been like this for the past how many years, in and out of pathetic friendships. I have a roommate but we're just "roommates" nothing more. *sighs* I'm just trying to come to grounds with what's the point of anything. I wish I had some help, somewhere. I know my parents aren't going to be help of any kind, none. I'm scared I'm going to suffer... and it makes me want to sit here and cry.