No where to go

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2010
No where to go
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 12:36am

I don't know where to go, because my family can't understand my issues and I lost many friends from moving and living my life sort of in seclusion. I am also pregnant, due soon.

So here is my problem and summary..

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year, and have had a rocky relationship from the start. But its like we can't be without the other, and I can't explain the great feeling he is able to get from me. We have never cheated on each other- the worse would be we both have talked to exes for revenge or insecurity or whatever immature excuse. But, like I said, our relationship is very rocky. I got pregnant and am due this month, and my whole pregnancy has been stressful.
Lately the fighting is due to him knowing details about my stupid past. I admit it is nothing to be proud of. I have slept with 4 guys before him and have a lot of girls gone wild moments. I also used to do ecstasy a lot and even danced for it once. But I haven't ever done anything more than that.
Those are just some examples.
So, another part of our relationship is physical, and at the end I will tell why I need to explain this. We hit each other. I started it from when he used to repeatedly call me names (usually for other things he found out about my past). He didn't really start until I got pregnant and we got in these huge fights. I blame myself for hitting him in the first place, because he must think it is okay from that...
So anyways, we have been fighting about my past and he has been hitting me from it because I was such a "whore, trash, slut, one notch above a prostitute, and so on". I may deserve that stuff but I don't know how to deal with the physical part. I can't have bruises with my son. CPS could get involved.
This last part is probably going to be the hardest for anyone to understand, which is why I can't go to family or friends. I don't want to leave him, because he does show remorse. And our baby is due in less than a month, and we are about to move into a new place. So many new things, and it gives me hope that he will get better.
I need advice about my past..
1) How can I get him to get over it?
2) Should I feel this guilty over it?
3) Should I try and remember every detail, like I tried. It's just a lot I can barely remember- minute things like who all "I sucked on fingers" and stuff like that? He asks but I don't want to lie because I have this obsession with being as correct as I can. It actually tortures me. Which is the worse part of all of this. If later on find out I lied to him because I forgot something, I torture myself. I would REALLY appreciate the advice on this question because I'd rather be mentally stable to start and stop feeling guilty for things I can't remember.

And lastly, I am sure everyone is going to say leave him, but I first want to see how it goes with the baby. I feel like I turned him into this abusive man because I kept stuff and lied about my past before, and now he is stuck with least thats his reasoning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 11:42am

You're both giving the past more power than it should have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 4:33pm
In addition to the advice Dee has given you, I'd like to suggest that you check out both our Domestic Abuse Support and Recognizing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 6:39pm

Hi and welcome newwoman.