everything getting to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
everything getting to me
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 3:50am
Okay here's my situation: Every since I have moved back from California to Idaho I have not been myself. I moved back here because this is my home but also because it's closer to where my parents are. I have noticed that since I got back from california I have been angry at everything. I have been being mean to my family and even friends that were once close. Last fall I was angry but I was myself and I knew what I wanted and who i was. well then I met this guy and we started dating for a while and he broke it off with me in january on new years even then we were back together for like a week in april. I love my roommate and I am a dear friend of hers and consider her my grandma but I feel at times I have no freedom, no rights to have the lights on the way i want them, she freezes me out in the summer time due to health problems and makes me roast in the winter when to a normal person the temperature is just right. WE have to watch stuff that she likes and most of the time we like the same things but every once in a while I want to watch a movie and she doesnt want to, I bring up renting a movie and she says she's not a movie type person and that most of my movies arent good or dont interest her, she says that I can go to her bedroom to watch it but I respect that it's her room and that I have no business being in there.I would watch movies in her room but I'm afraid she would want to go to bed plus there is no dvd player in there. She's always bringing up how it's her house and I know and respect that but every once in a while It would be nice for me to have some say in things too. It's not just my ex and my roommate it's everything else that is going on too. People say I should talk about it and get it out in the open but it's hard to talk to your family and friends about certain things like this. I have been dealing with other thoughts that are self sabotaging like along the lines that I feel that I'm gay when I know i'm not , I am afraid of harming someone, the things that were once important to me like my family, friends, my car, and school dont mean anything to me anymore and I dont care if I lose those things and I know that's not me. Also the fact that I have gained weight and I hate it but I'm so stuck in a rut with the above thoughts that I cant motivate myself to work out. Guys dont pay any attention to me and the fact that I have friends but I feel like I have to put forth al lthe effort to make them want to hang out with me. I hate myself, I keep thinking why am i here when I got dealt a bad hand. I see my friends or other peoples life's because of everything that they have in it such as nice houses, cars, friends, spouses, kids, etc but i know it's not for me or it wont be in my future. I wake up al lthe time thinking oh boy another day. I have been abused by my father, and I have been the outsider to guys and peers my age all my life. I hate myself and I hate the world I believe that's why i'm angry al lthe time, I treat my family and friends horrible to the point that they are about to walk out on me. I see a counselor and she thinks I'm getting better when actually I think I'm getting worse which I know i am even though she says i'm not doing some of the activities that I once did when I first started seeing her. I want a good life with most of the things that people have in their life's but i know that it's not for me, I dont see any guy in my future or anything else good happening. I dont know what I'm doing wrong I dont know if it's because it's not for me or because i'm dressing wrong or if it's because i'm depressed that I keep repelling people. I keep telling my family and friends that I want to get back to who i was before I met my ex because since I have dated him things in my life have not been the same and i dont know why, back then I knew who i was and I was doing good. People including my doctor say i cant have that person back because we are constantly changing but I do want that person back, I want my old life back, not because i want the past but because I knew who i was and what i stood for can someone help me? and also dont get me wrong i love my family and friends but i need help and i'm not getting it from anyone so i turned to here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:23pm

Welcome to Stress & Women

Since I've never felt the way you do or at least not as deeply as you do I don't know if I can help except to offer an ear to listen.

You say you don't see having the good things others have in your future.