Upset/Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Upset/Advice
3
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:47pm

Hi,


I am posting on this board because I need to vent, and would like some advice.


Lately I have been experiencing a lot of confusion, and making a lot of changes in my life. Back in January my boyfriend and I broke up. We have 10 years of history together. We had been discussing getting married and engaged within the first few months of 2010. Well the last few months of the relationship we were bickering a lot. I would say that we communicate, but things began to breakdown. We both were feeling stress from not being satisfied career wise. We are in our late 20s and both want to feel like we are making a difference. I am lucky because my line of work allows to me to help others directly. But his did not. Well he came up with a charity idea which I loved.


Well as we started discussing marriage more the more worried I became inside because of our breakdown in communication. Plus, we had dated twice. So the fact that breaking up before made me doubt things. I was not feeling happy inside and resentful towards him. But I did not really realize that. Because he was always supportive. But like most women I always felt guilty if I did not go watch one of the sports he played. Even though he was always saying he loves me there, but understands if I want or need to do something else. But if I did not go I would feel guilty. So working in the helping profession and not realizing that I actually need me time, I began to emotionally, psychially born out. I just felt so lost. The more confused I was inside the worse things got. Because I would get upset over everything. We both are very sensitive people. But at times he would back off when things got tough. Well anways one day I just had enough and said I was done. The an hour later realized that I made a mistake and told him I am sorry etc... at that point he was so hurt. Because he did say we should talk about it the next day. But I was just so stubborn. So then we did not talk a week, then we saw each other. Then we met up talked, both said that we did not like the direction things are going in. He said he is scared when we get married that we will fight all the time.I said that is why we work on things. At that point he said he does not want these to end, but that he can't handle anything else. Which is fair. I think we needed a time to heal and grow.


Well we have talked and seen each othe twice with mutual friends since the breakup. When I saw him a month and a half ago he was flirty etc...well we had a nice talk a little over 2 weeks ago. Not about us, but other stuff. Telling me how he is stressed about doing a speech at his best friends wedding. Well anyways I have grown so much, and have realized a lot of things about myself, and my errors. I have tried to move on, and have gone on dates. But my heart is with my ex bf. I really just want to call him and ask him to meet up, because I am tired of not being open with him. I think this time he is trying to move on with his life.I know he still loves me, but he has doubts too. He is not seeing anyone. I want him to be happy even if he is not with me. I have made a career change, and have grown so much. But the one thing that remains the same is how much I care about him.


I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Sorry for it being long.


Thank You

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: tardinski
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 1:14pm

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
In reply to: tardinski
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 2:15pm

I agree with Amy.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: tardinski
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 9:52pm

Hi thanks for the reply.


I actually have a BA in psychology and a minor in counselling. I suggest to him that we attend counselling, as even though I know the tools whenever I was emotionally involved in the situation I would become overwhelmed. For the most part the breakdown in commucation was me being too emotional, and him stonewalling when things got too intense. I have learned from my errors. Even though he supported my career he was never too fond of going to counselling. He said he might go, but wanted us to try and work on things first. I was like ok. So then it slipped my mind. Then the night we met up to talk, the night we broke up. I suggested to him that we go to counselling. But at that point he said no. He use to say that if we were married he would go. But if we need counselling before then not sure it is wise. Whereas, I feel that going to counselling does not mean admitting defeat. I personally believe it is the wise ones that go, and get help at any stage of the relationship. As there is always ways to learn and improve. His mom was so upset that we broke up. His family all thought we were going to get married. He had told his dad as well. She even mentioned counselling to me, I told her I wanted to go. But he did not want to. His parents separated when he was 3. So he gets very fearful when things get tough. Despite the fact that his stepfather has been an amazing role model. I am the only gf he has ever had. So I believe he also needs to experience things more as well. Even though it hurts me to say that. If it was up to me we would have gone to counselling and worked on things. After we brokeup I had realized a lot about myself. But felt that I needed to go see a counsellor. Just because I needed an unbiased person to vent to. My counsellor was so impressed with my insights and abilities. But yes we have mainly worked on my tendency to be too hard on myself, and I have learned to balance my life more. It was the best thing for me personally and professionally. As I learned a lot about myself which has helped when I work with clients. Thanks for the advice.