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|Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:47pm|
I am posting on this board because I need to vent, and would like some advice.
Lately I have been experiencing a lot of confusion, and making a lot of changes in my life. Back in January my boyfriend and I broke up. We have 10 years of history together. We had been discussing getting married and engaged within the first few months of 2010. Well the last few months of the relationship we were bickering a lot. I would say that we communicate, but things began to breakdown. We both were feeling stress from not being satisfied career wise. We are in our late 20s and both want to feel like we are making a difference. I am lucky because my line of work allows to me to help others directly. But his did not. Well he came up with a charity idea which I loved.
Well as we started discussing marriage more the more worried I became inside because of our breakdown in communication. Plus, we had dated twice. So the fact that breaking up before made me doubt things. I was not feeling happy inside and resentful towards him. But I did not really realize that. Because he was always supportive. But like most women I always felt guilty if I did not go watch one of the sports he played. Even though he was always saying he loves me there, but understands if I want or need to do something else. But if I did not go I would feel guilty. So working in the helping profession and not realizing that I actually need me time, I began to emotionally, psychially born out. I just felt so lost. The more confused I was inside the worse things got. Because I would get upset over everything. We both are very sensitive people. But at times he would back off when things got tough. Well anways one day I just had enough and said I was done. The an hour later realized that I made a mistake and told him I am sorry etc... at that point he was so hurt. Because he did say we should talk about it the next day. But I was just so stubborn. So then we did not talk a week, then we saw each other. Then we met up talked, both said that we did not like the direction things are going in. He said he is scared when we get married that we will fight all the time.I said that is why we work on things. At that point he said he does not want these to end, but that he can't handle anything else. Which is fair. I think we needed a time to heal and grow.
Well we have talked and seen each othe twice with mutual friends since the breakup. When I saw him a month and a half ago he was flirty etc...well we had a nice talk a little over 2 weeks ago. Not about us, but other stuff. Telling me how he is stressed about doing a speech at his best friends wedding. Well anyways I have grown so much, and have realized a lot of things about myself, and my errors. I have tried to move on, and have gone on dates. But my heart is with my ex bf. I really just want to call him and ask him to meet up, because I am tired of not being open with him. I think this time he is trying to move on with his life.I know he still loves me, but he has doubts too. He is not seeing anyone. I want him to be happy even if he is not with me. I have made a career change, and have grown so much. But the one thing that remains the same is how much I care about him.
I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Sorry for it being long.