Feeling really alone
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Feeling really alone
| Sat, 07-17-2004 - 11:24pm |
My boyfriend and I broke up tonight. It's a relief in a lot of ways because the relationship wasn't going that well as of late, so I'm really not sorry that things ended. At the same time, though, I'm really afraid of being alone. I hate not having someone. It will be easier when I get back to college because it's easier for me to meet guys, but I just feel really alone right now. I guess that I'm just having a hard night. I'm having a drink and just trying to relax. I really wish that I had some sleeping pills, too, but I don't. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I'm just really losing it lately. I'm so messed up and confused.
Stacy

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Hi Stacy,
I agree with everything Lori said. I think it's really important for you to be careful right now, with yourself. I'm really sorry about the break-up, even when we feel they are for the best, it still hurts. And, I totally idenitfy with the feeling of not wanting to be alone. I'm worried that the more alone and cut-off you feel, the more depressed you may feel.
I'm going to say one thing now and then I'll shut up about therapy. For me, when I started therapy, I felt so alone. Truly, after starting, I never felt that way. I knew that no matter what, I could count on my therapist. You say you have bad stuff in your past. Hon, if it's abuse you suffered, I think talking about it to someone is the only way to start to heal it. It was for me anyway. But I'll still support you no matter what. See, I just want you to have the most support and help possible, you have a good heart. And for me that means therapy, because it has helped me so much. That's the only reason I keep on about it...cuz I want you to have someone who can listen and help.
I hope today finds things less gloomy for you.
Hugs,
Emily
I'm not sure where my dislike of being alone started. I guess that I'm just used to having one boyfriend right after another. That's the way that I've always done it, ever since I was in high school. If I broke up with one boyfriend, I always made sure that I had the next one right there waiting. I know that it's not really good behavior, but I just can't seem to change it. I already have guys that I'm interested in dating now, that I'm planning to look into as soon as I get back to college.
I'm sorry that it took me so long to reply. I got wasted last night, and then felt a little hungover today. I'm feeling better now. Everyone that I was talking to last night told me not to drink, but it made me feel so much better. It made it easier for me to sleep and just to relax.
Thanks for being such a wonderful friend to me. I wish that I could explain better why I feel the way that I do and why I do the things that I do. I'm sorry that I'm such an awful mess.
Stacy
Once again, thanks for your kind words and your support. I know that you are probably right about therapy, but I just don't know how to get started. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday, and I really think that he is going to end up recommending therapy for me. My anti-depressants aren't working that well, and I just keep getting worse and worse.
It does hurt when relationships end, even if your heart wasn't in them. I hate that. I wish that everything could just be painless. It would make all of our lives so much easier.
Stacy
Hey Stacy,
I've been trying to exercise more, because that is seeming to help me. I like to take my discman with me and listen to music. I always used to kind of think that it was dangerous to listen to music while walking because you can't always hear the traffic, but I've just been trying to be really careful. I want to go on a walk right now, but it is thundering here, so I guess that I'll go do some laundry while I wait. Thanks for being so kind to me! I don't know how I would get through the day without all of you.
Stacy
Hi Stacy,
I'm feeling really manic today, and I just can't stop moving. It's actually kind of fun. I already took a walk, jumped rope, vaccuumed the whole house, emptied the dishwasher, and now I'm doing all the laundry. I think that I'll take another walk soon. It started to thunder and lightening while I was out, and I figured that it probably wasn't very safe to be walking in those sort of conditions. After I take another walk, I think that I'll organize all the letters that I've gotten since middle school through college by person and in order of date.
You are right, I like to listen to really upbeat music when I walk. Today, I was listening to Placebo. It's kind of alternative. I think that I have a couple of those corny Jock Jams CD's somewhere, and I might go dig those out before I go out again. I want to lose some weight, but I don't think that it will be too hard because I'm not super big right now. I'm 5'8" and when I weighed myself this morning, I was 134. It's bigger than I'd like, but it's not too awful bad.
Thanks for everything!! You are a great person, and I really appreciate all of your advice and support. I hope that you are having a wonderful day.
Stacy
Thanks. I've calmed down a bit since my post. I am going to walk before my doctor's appointment tomorrow because the appointment isn't until 2:30, and I think that it will be really helpful to me to get out my extra energy before the appointment. I always get really nervous about my anti-depressant related appointments because I never know if the doctor is going to change the dose or the medication or try to take me off of it. I don't feel down at all right now. Maybe the exercise helped with that. I do feel really nervous and anxious, but it's kind of more of an energy-to-burn feeling than an actual fearfulness. If that makes any sense. Anyway, I'm kind of rambling.
Stacy
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