Won't stay much longer

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Won't stay much longer
26
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:18am
Hi. I just found this board today; I've been "lurking" (seems like a creepy word to me).I've read several of the discussions and from the 13 yr old to the 26 yr old to me, the 50 yr old, it's amazing how similar the pain and situations are and also, the suggestions for help.In the past five years my life has just been devastated. I was molested alot as a child and it took me until I was 30 to get help. I was in counseling for several years and I kept myself alive for my children when I felt I couldn't go on. I remarried a man I thought was my soulmate and although we've been together for 23 yrs. (married for 20), he started changing when we began having problems with my oldest son's wife. She was horribly abusive to my grandchildren and although we tried to work things out, it got so bad I finally reported her to the authorities. This was not something I did lightly, but by that time we were alienated from my son and I knew I had to do that. My son didn't speak to me for over two years - this was my SON who had always had a very good relationship with me and his stepfather. My two sons actually called him Daddy because he has been their Daddy since they were 4 and 5 yrs old. Their biological father didn't have anything much to do with them. During all the court proceedings and such, I was informed that his wife had actually "brainwashed" my son and that was why his behavior changed so drastically. After 2 yrs. of silence from him he came back to us and things were ok for awhile. We had always talked out our problems when they were growing up and I had hoped and prayed that things would get better. To make a long story short, it wasn't long before he met another woman who has managed to alienate us again; my youngest son's wife has always been jealous of our family's closeness and she refused to even talk about what was happening with our older son and has done her best to make our son ignore us as much as possible. My husband said he'd finally had enough from everyone and didn't want the kids or our grandkids around and since my family was my whole life, I don't have friends to turn to for help. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone when I die, I know that they would all be happier without me here. I'm not perfect, but I never purposely did anything to hurt them other than to protect my grandchildren and considering the situation, I really didn't have any other choice. I loved my family and did everything and more that they asked of me and although I understand why the daughters-in-law were jealous, I tried extra hard to make them feel they were a part of our family. No one wants to talk about what is happening and my youngest son has to sneak to call me so his wife doesn't get upset and now she doesn't let us see his two children. I have lost everyone I love, so what is there to live for anymore? I never dreamed something like this could happen. Because of the conflict with my oldest son's wife, I can't even go to my church any longer. I have never felt so alone in my life and I know that things are only going to get more painful, not only emotionally, but physically as well. I have had a chronic painful illness for over 20 yrs. and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis about 2 yrs ago. Because of my husband's health, he went on disability about 18 mos. ago and because he didn't complete the paperwork he was supposed to do, we lost our health insurance. So, I have no way of getting any of the medications I need and our income dropped to under the poverty level. I have already checked into assistance, but I don't qualify for anything but the indigent fund, and they only pay a part of any medical bill. I just don't see any point in being here any longer.

I'm sorry to have taken up so much space, I do hope that all of you will find the help you need. Counseling can really turn your life around and if you have any family or friends, hang on for them until you can hang on for yourself. My best couselor told me that sometimes we have to "fake it until we can make it", she meant that we should act as though we were what we want to be until we can truly be what we want to be. Believe it or not, it works. Don't be discouraged if the first counselor isn't helpful, you sometimes have to try different ones until you find one that is best for you. Also, for those of you not working, I don't know if it's ok to name an agency, but I believe each state has a Division of Vocational Rehabilitation. They help pay for counseling and job training and other things to help people with physical and mental issues to get to work. They even pay for schooling. Each situation is different, but it's worth looking into.

I guess my advice isn't worth much when I believe there is only one option for me, but my advice is heartfelt and you are so young and still have so many options ahead of you. Because you are young, you can't give up until you've really tried.

Thanks for letting me post.

Special hugs to all of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 9:49am

Hi Alliesmimi and welcome to our board! I wish it were under happier circumstances for you but I AM glad you came out of lurking (yup, it IS kind of a creepy word--lol!)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:15pm
Hi, Lori. Thank you for responding. I realized after reading your post that I wasn't very clear about the abuse issue; she wasn't my daughter-in-law when I reported her. She and my son were dating, but were not even living together yet, so I didn't think my son would not listen to me, the mother of his children, or the babysitter who was going to report her first.

As to how I have treated my daughters-in-law; we planned special "girl's time", one is really into make up and clothes and for her- she'd get a special facial, manicure and pedicure, etc. And the other one never really responded to much from me other than we would go to her favorite restaurant for her favorite food on a weekly basis. I was so thankful to have found some common ground with her and had hopes that from dinner it would develop into more time together, but it never did, until they were divorced and she finally told me she'd been jealous and just wanted my son to herself. Before they were married she gave birth to my first granddaughter and because my son was so enthralled with his first baby, she wanted to put her up for adoption. They married less than a month later so he would have stronger legal rights to custody of his daughter. I tried the calling to check in with them about how they were doing and my youngest son's wife would call me, tell me to call her back, I did, and then "listened" to her for usually 2 hrs while she filled me in on her life. All of these women came from abusive backgrounds, which was why I was so empathetic and felt such a bond with them (not the abusive one) and tried very hard, and carefully, to understand their feelings and actions.

I'm not good at giving unsolicited advice and since I like differences in people, I'm usually very open to how other people do things rather than telling them how I do things...it's amazing the good stuff you find out about that way. My sons would ask my advice about different things and I would then suggest something I had learned or read about and I finally realized that that was part of what was causing some resentment, so I told them I thought it would be best if they didn't do that anymore and why. I treated them as tho they were my daughters, and not in-laws, which is why this hurts so much.

There is absolutely no way there will ever be a healing with my oldest son. He has refused any kind of counseling from the beginning and although he had said hurtful things before, the last thing he said to me was that he never wanted to see my face again until he came to my funeral. He has rejected family and friends completely and I've not seen him or heard his voice for almost 2 years. My youngest son has managed to sneak 2 phone calls to me in the last 15 months. His Dad was very ill last July and he came to the hospital to see him, but that's the last I've seen him. The daughters have never had a problem with my husband, it's always been me. I've come to believe that if a girlfriend or wife can cause my sons to choose to treat me this way, how much could they really care about me?

I had a wonderful, warm, loving, fun relationship with my first three grandchildren. When we had to go to court over the abuse issue, (by then my son had married her in a different city when we were out of town visiting his brother), I was awarded weekly visitation by the judge. However, where I live, grandparents don't have any legal right to visitation, especially when one parent is adamant about not letting me see them. Fortunately, my ex-daughter and I were closer by then and she let us see them fairly regularly - she's not happy being a mother and my son was no longer seeing his children, so she was very generous about letting us have the kids for days at a time. It's one of the best times in my life, but for the loss of my son. Because of problems with her mom and my son, she called me on a Wed. and told me she was moving on Sat. and would let me know in 6 mos. or so where they'd moved to but there wouldn't be any contact before then. I already had the kids with me and she told me she was going to tell them they were going on vacation and I was to take care of them until she was packed and ready to go. I didn't hear from her or see her until she showed up on Sat. to pick them up. Needless to say, it was heartwrenching. My granddaughter had her hands fisted in my hair and wouldn't let go and my grandson was clinging to his grandpa and she and her boyfriend had to literally force them into the truck to leave. I did get a call late that night, my granddaughter was refusing to eat unless she could talk to me and then her mom told me that she'd call as soon as they got where they were going and let us know they'd arrived safely. It all turned out pretty well except they're too far away for us to visit much. My husband has bone cancer in both hips and can't ride in a vehicle for long distances and he can't fly due to a heart and ear condition. But up until this past year we were able to work things out and see them 3 or 4 times a year and I called several times a week so we could keep connected. But when my son met his new wife, he started hasseling her and she takes it out on me and then stopped answering my calls. I've only been able to see them for three hours since January and have had only 5 short phone visits.

Sorry, I just realized I was writing a book here all about me and that's not what this board is about. My husband and I rarely speak and I haven't had anyone else to talk to and I got carried away.

I have checked into counseling for me, but as I have no income, the agencies I've contacted aren't able to help me. I keep a journal, which used to help alot. Everything takes so much effort now.

I really don't have anything to offer anyone other than the fact I do care about people and I wish I could help.

I thank you again, Lori, for your post. You've helped me feel better. I hadn't planned on being here today when I found this board. I do hope it is private because being able to really express how I feel about suicide for me, not for anyone else, has been a tremendous relief. I'm sorry for taking up so much space.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:24pm

Hi there....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 5:44pm
Hi alliesmimi:

Welcome to the board. I think it's good that you reached out.

Things sound like a real mess with your family, through no fault of your own. It must hurt terribly. My husband and son are my entire world (I was also abused as a child) and if something happened to distance us, I don't know what I would do.

You sitaution sounds very serious. Do you currently have a counselor? If so, can you call and say how dangerous you feel. If not, going to the emergency room is no day at the beach, but they can help you get and tsay safe for a while.

That said, I have a more lighthearted suggestion. Since you are feeling so alone, I think maybe it might help you if you had someone you could give to. I know your health isn't good, but have you considered volunteering? That can even be done online... even here at ivillage. Since you've dealt with abuse and loss, you would have a lot to offer, whether hosting a chat or a message board, or volunteering at w woman's shelter or some other local abuse survivors charity. I know you may think...how can I give when I am so low? For me, it helps get me out of my own head. When I focus on somone else, I can leave my own problems for a little. If I can feel I've helped them, by at least being there, then I feel good about myself...then before I know it, I feel better. Mainly I suggested this, because you sound like such a giver by nature and I thought maybe it could help you not feel so alone.

Please keep posting, reach out in any way you can. You mentioned all the reason other people should hang on. I've got a reason why you should hang on....you only get one life, you are a child of God and God will never dessert you. Hang on for you...you deserve life. Yes, it can be filled with sorrow, but there may be joy waiting out there for you.

Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:54pm
Lots of us may be younger than you, but just because you are older doesn't mean you should give up. I understand entirely about your financial and family situation. If only I could get my mom to talk with you, you could definitely share a lot of the same types of stories. I am the sounding board for her and she has told me many of the things that you have mentioned in your post; not identical, but lots of similarities. The point is, she hasn't given up yet...she gets mad a lot, and doesn't understand why she can't just fix everything that has went wrong all this time. I try to tell her it's not all her fault. So, to you...IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. You should be old enough and wise enough to realize that though people may hurt your feelings and disappoint you...you did not make them do it to you. It was their conscience,adult thinking, and choice to behave the way they did/do.

And regardless of how much you think your family and their families, besides your husband, will be better off and happier without you....that is rarely the case for anyone. Despite how many times a week or day that I think about killing myself, I would never belittle anyone's love for me by saying that they would be happier without me. Everyone has times in their lives when they can't show love, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist in their hearts and minds.

I don't know if any of this is helpful or not for you...but felt I needed to reply.

hugs

ak

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:15am
Hi, Lori

Thanks for getting back to me so promptly. When on the edge, it helps to feel that maybe someone does care.

I read the Terms of Service and everything before I ever posted. I guess what I meant about it being private was that I wouldn't have someone report me for feeling the way I do and get "help" from outside sources that I don't want. If you understand what I mean.

Thanks,

alliesmimi
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:32am
Hi, Emily-

Thank you for witing. I appreciate you saying it wasn't my fault, but it most obviously was. I accept responsibility for what I did and it's pretty clear to me that I did or didn't do something I should have.

I appreciate your positive suggestions. I have volunteered before when I was able to get out and I didn't know about volunteering online. I'm not sure that I have much to offer other than "being there" for someone and you are absolutely right when you said that it does make us feel better to give and help and gets us out of our own problems. I have always wanted to be needed rather than being so needy myself. That said, I feel that since I've made such an enormous mess of my life, I don't dare think that anything I say would be of help to anyone. And what if I said the wrong thing and hurt someone, how would I live with hurting someone else?

I found out yesterday that my son has told everyone I'm dead. I'm sorry, I thought I'd be able to write about this and keep it together better. I have to go...

Thanks again for everything,

alliesmimi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:16am

Hey there...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:43pm
Oh I'm so sad for you Alliesmimi! What an awful thing to do to your own mother. I can't imagine how bad that must make you feel---but please know that though we can never replace your family, we are here for you and do care about you.

All I can offer are cyber hugs and cyber tissue....and an open line attached to my heart.

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 10:10am
Hi, Lori-

I can't thank you enough for your wise words and encouragement. I felt that because he said what he did, he was letting me know how very little he cared. I don't know why he won't talk to me (actually, stopped talking to me). They explained what the brainwashing did to him and the effects it would have, but I thought that once he was out of that relationship and had come back home to all of us, it would heal with time and our love and support. Obviously, that didn't happen. We didn't have much time with him before he became involved with his present wife and the weird behavior started all over again.

But enough of that. Because of your support, knowledge, encouragement, as well as the others who responded to me, I stopped myself from doing what I'd planned to do. I am ashamed at how whiney I sounded in my posts, but I was truly as low as I have ever been in my life. I thank God you were here and the others as well.

I have lived my entire life doing for others (which I believe is a really good thing), but I went too far. Because of my abusive childhood, I got the message that I didn't matter except in how I could do and "be" for others. I've never learned to do for me. But I realized that by posting here and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the extent I did, I think I took a giant step in doing something just for me.

My spirit and faith has been renewed and I've set some small goals for myself to get better. I was wondering if it's ok to post on different boards at the same time? It makes me feel better to concentrate on others and listen to all the viewpoints expressed and this was one of the things I thought would help.

I have a lot of firsthand knowledge about sexual abuse and I was involved in starting a support group. We were small (only five of us), but we usually met every week and by the time we all went different ways, we had gone from referring to ourselves as abuse "victims" to "THRIVERS" - it was a tremendous experience for all of us. I think I might be able to pass on at least some of what I've learned and I have a lot of empathy as well as time to offer. I don't know if you're the one to ask about posting on the boards, but I read the Terms and couldn't find anything that said whether it was ok or not. If you aren't the appropriate person to ask, do you know who is?



I know that I need to find a counselor and I've already started my search for one again. I didn't have any luck before, but it never hurts to try again and I will continue to "lurk" (I still think that's a weird word to use,lol!) and post if I have something supportive to offer and this will help, too.

I had a heart-to-heart with my husband and told him that I wasn't going to live with his behavior either. It isn't possible for a relationship to thrive, much less survive, unless both are willing to work at it. He's agreed to seek counseling and since he's a veteran, he has already contacted his doctor about it. (It's taken me four years to take this stand with him, and it's amazed me how much better things have been between us since we're BOTH doing what we can to make things better.) I've always been afraid to stick up for myself for fear of losing the ones I love, but I lost them anyway, so I decided I didn't have anything more to lose and I was ANGRY. It took complete strangers offering me support and caring that my own loved ones wouldn't do to make me realize I didn't have to live alone with all this physical and emotional pain.

Thank you sincerely, Lori, for being here and caring.

I don't know anything about you and your issues, but I hope that YOU are ok and for what it's worth, I am and will be here for you, too, if ever there is anything I can do to help.

I hope you have a great day. You're a truly caring, giving person and I believe God has blessed you with some very special gifts.

Hugs,

alliesmimi

(By the way, my name is Kerri. I noticed that several of you use your names and I feel safe enough now to use mine.)

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