Monday Morning Roll Call!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Monday Morning Roll Call!
17
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 9:23am
Come one, come all..... members, lurkers and everyone in between! Pull up a spot on our cyber couch and pour yourself a cup of coffee or tea then take a moment and check in with us to let us know how you are doing! Hope everyone has a happy week--or at the very least, a safe one! Hugs, Lori
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Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 10:10pm
here, maybe not as desperately wanting to end it all, but probably in one of the deepest depressions I've been in in a very long time (maybe 12 years or so). ho hum.

Sandra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 10:54pm

Hey Sandra....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:41am
Hello, feeling a bit better than when I first posted the other day, but still have that 'heaviness and saddness' and have to keep fighting it. Leaving on holidays for awhile. Should be happy, as where we're going I usually love to go to. The fact that I am feeling panicky about going is making it hard for me though and I'm not even sure why that is. I am not going to ,,, need to say that first ,,, but it is a place I always told myself if I drowned here I would never have to leave again. Just a little upset with myself for even thinking that before going there for a 'good time.' Hope everyone else is doing the best they can right now ,,, take care of yourselves please.
Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 10:58am
I am feeling really pretty defective again, but trying so darn hard at pretending I'm not and trying really hard to be as "good" as I can be especially with taking care of the house and kids. I am afraid that someone might think differently about them and me if they really knew what I was like on the inside. So I spend so much time trying to live up to standards (which I guess is a good thing or else, I'd really be actively trying to end it all). But it is really lonely. I am really lonely, have been for a very long time, maybe forever since I've not been able to let anyone really get close to me. Yes I love my kids with all my being, but I can't let them know about me either. I realized the other night how I've been hiding for most of my life, and desperately trying to find a place to fit in. Growing up at home, I wasn't wanted and was pretty much ignored and thought of as not much of anything (yes mom took care of the physical needs, made sure I had clothes and that there was food in the house and she worked the same days as I was in school and was home at the same time as I was, unless she'd go to the store and leave without telling me while I was out and I'd come home to an empty house). But I know for a fact (she told me) that she didn't want another child and had tried to abort me. My dad was fed up with kids by the time I came around. He drank mostly out of the house but would come home drunk and easily irritated, especially by any noise I made (even if my brother started it, I got yelled at). Outside of the house (which is where I spent most of my time) I was rejected as being the bad influence because my dad drank, my older siblings were drinking or getting into trouble, plus I wasn't well kept, and went anywhere in town I wanted and mom didn't really care were I was. Then as I was trying to get someone to pay attention, I got myself into situations of sexual abuse so then I had to hide that. So here I am several years later, trying to be a good wife and mother. The wife part I'm not doing good at all. I love my dh but I am having major issues with having sex (which has been getting worse with time). Which is causing quite a bit of friction in my life. The therapist I've been seeing isn't real sure my seeing her is a good idea so she left it up to me to reschedule (and I did after thinking about it for several days). Just not real sure what she is thinking or what she will say or think when I do come back (which isn't intil sept.) At the time she is telling me is the anniversary of my mom's death 8 years ago, which I have mixed feelings about and am too afraid to even think about. Prior to 10 years ago, I went from being totally suicidal and spending the previous 10 years before that trying several ways to kill myself and was in and out of the hospital, then around 10 years ago, I started feeling better, found my dh and was doing pretty well. We got married 2 years after getting together and then bought our first house the same month we got married and then had our first child 10 months after getting married. My mom died when I was a month pregnant so she never got to meet either of my kids. Then as time has gone by, I've just been getting back to being depressed again. I've had absolutely no energy for at least 2 years now. Now here I am again down further than I have been in many years. I'm sorry this is so long and jumbled. Thanks for reading. Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 12:10pm

Hi Sandra,


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Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 8:55pm
Thanks Lori. Yes I do take medication (wellbutrin and have been on that for the better part of 15 years or so (have been off it a few times, mostly during my pregnancies), and have tried numerous others while being off of it. I did have the dosage increased in dec. The psychiatrist I went to in april, only evaluated me and sent a report back to my reg md. that the meds I was on was as good as it gets and he couldn't do anything else for me. (but his report sent to a life insurance company has made them decline covering me, makes me feel really good as well :-( ). I am wondering if I would benefit from an antianxiety med like buspar or ativan and am seriously thinking about calling my dr and asking for it. I don't want to feel groggy or out of it tho, but I definitely need something to take away some of the anxiety (tightness) I am feeling (I'm tired of the daily headaches). As for the therapist, her question to me was if I thought I was getting any help from our sessions or if it were more damaging. So I'm kind of confused, things have been getting bad for me for awhile, and I've always been told that things get worse before the get better so not sure if she's just afraid that I could really become dangerous to myself again and wants to totally avoid that or what. She has my old records so she knows my history. We've talked about it some. The sessions are really tough for me but my last therapist didn't really do much other than give me an hour to vent about whatever and never scratched the surface so to say. More of a gripe session which is ok but it really wasn't getting me anywhere, altho I guess it kept me in touch and them aware of how things were going. I guess the first 15 years of therapy have been aimed at keeping me "safe". not sure if anyone really wants to do more than just that. Maybe this current therapist realizes how seriously depressed I have gotten and does NOT want that responsibility. I dunno. Basically, they just tell me that if I need hospitalized, that they will do that for me but not much else (well actually that was the last psychiatrist that said that). This therapist I've been seeing does know that I was feeling suicidal this winter/spring.

Thanks again for you responses and empathy.

Sandra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:26pm
Hi markshay~ I was given some anti-anxiety meds just today - Lorazepam. I am so hoping it will help alleviate some of what I am struggling with. I know just what you mean by the 'tightness' you feel. I leave tomorrow on vacation and want to be able to enjoy myself. Having my little 'feel better quick' bottle with me helps me a bit (I think)

Hope you will be okay,,,so sorry for your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:32pm
HIya Lori:

Thanks for the roll call!!!!!! You're an angel! LOl, except Monday morning has turned into Friday afternoon. Been a busy week. Son's b'day party is this weekend, and I've actually been really grateful to have that committment looming. Needed a couple emergency callsto the T this week. Really looking hard for something to hang onto... think I'll read some posts and try to hang onto you guys.

Hugs

Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:36pm
Sandra:

Oh gosh I'm so sorry the depression is so deep...we hate that black hole. Have I ever asked you if you were on any depression meds? They've really helped me. And, honest I'm not one to think a pill can cure all...but at least the medicine has gotten me to a point where I can attempt the other things that help...reaching out, working in therapy, hanging on to my family, doing things to relax or celebrate me. Without the meds...all those suggestions would have just been pie in the sky.

(((Sandra)))

Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:05pm
Dear Sandra:

I'm so sad for your history. No one wanted us either. We always say...they just threw us away.

You didn't deserve to be ignored or abused. None of it is your fault.Your depression is not your fault either.

I'm sorry you feel so lonely. I get lonely a lot. If you ever want...you can emaime. I'm vor56@aol.com

You're not alone. I hear you. I care. I think you should go back to your t. I know what you mean though, I'd feel funny too. I'd question if I should. Maybe you can tell her that...maybe Sandra you could write her. I journal...but not in a refular way...I do it as long letters to my T. That way I can say what I might not be able to really say.

Sandra, be gentle with yourself. You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs,

Emily

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