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| Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:25am |
Now, I'm substitute teaching and selling makeup from my home, but neither of them provide me with enough money to live on, much less pay for the wedding (that's another post). My fiance so delicately points out each chance he gets, but I've sent out hundreds of resumes (even to retail stores...who won't hire me because they realize I'll jump at a better job as soon as I get a chance). He doesn't realize/or care about how frustrating this is for me.
I'm running out of money. My savings are almost depleted. This all came to a head when I ruined my only "interview worthy" outfit while accidentally tumbling down my stairs and hurting my legs in the process. I have no money to go buy a new one. I haven't had a haircut in almost a year. I need new bras (haven't bought a new one in almost 2 years). Our dogs need their shots. I need about $600 in dental work. Most days I don't eat because that costs money. I just don't know what else to do.
I think about killing myself constantly now. Don't suggest professional help. I simply can't afford it, and I don't have insurance. I even have it planned out...my last $30 will go to pills from one of my neighbors who deals. My parents/family are so religious that when I mention anything about being depressed/upset they just say, "Well, we'll keep you in our prayers" or worse, hang up on me because they think that I'm not really trying to find a job. My fiance tells me to "knock it off" and to get off my butt and make some money. Easy for him to say, he has a job!! I'm at my wits' end. Each morning I wake up upset because I was hoping/praying that I'd die during the night. I just don't know where else to turn.
Sorry so long.
Edited 9/18/2004 1:29 pm ET ET by heather2003_iv

Hi Heather and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll stay and get to know us a bit!
I have a few suggestions for you but first I'd like to ask
"I can't tell if you're laughing, between the smiles there are tears in your eyes"- Rise Against
I don't qualify for unemployment, food stamps, welfare, etc. I made way too much last year, and I voluntarily quit my last job (the lousy one at the nursing home).
My fiance is as supportive as he can be I guess. I don't have money, so I should get a job. That's what normal people do, but I guess I'm not "normal" because NO ONE will hire me. He won't move to anywhere where I can get a job. He tells me all the time, "Too bad the nursing thing didn't work out, so we can live anywhere in the world!" Yeah, too bad, I HATED it. I really need to live in a big city (NYC, LA, Chicago) to be successful at my profession. He doesn't want to do that. I'm not willing to give up him, so I thought I could just suck it up and do something I wasn't as interested in for my career here.
I'm just tired of being a burden and want to end it all.
Welcome to our board. I'm glad you posted, but sorry it is under such difficult circumstances for you.
I can sort of relate to a little of what you are going through. I left a very good, high paying job about seven years ago to stay home with my son. Over a year ago my husband's company closed all their manufacturing plants. My husband's good paying job was gone in the blink of an eye. I thought, no problem..I'll get a job. Well here I am a year and a half later, no job. We live off my husband's nearly gone reitrement account. I feel like I've failed him. I went on dozens of interviews and no one wanted me...they wanted a young person who they could pay very little...even when I agree to accept low salaries, they all said "NO, you'll leave as soon as something better comes along." SO, I'm applying to grad school...I have no money to pay for it...I'm sort of trusting God to help me find the money...loans...etc., because I believe strongly that God wants me to use my pain to help others heal. I believe that's why I haven't found a job. I think God has a plan for you, even if it doesn't seem that way now. You need to live to see where that plan goes.
I am so sorry about the money. But honey, it's only money...it's not worth dying over. Have you tried applying for some sort of aid? Because you simply must eat. There have to be social service agencies that will help you.
As far as the wedding... you could have a simple civil ceremony now and have the wedding of your dreams on your 10th anniversary.
I wish you hadn't given up your dream for your fiance. I wish he were more understanding. You really need to communicate with him...honey he is the person you are tieing your life too...if you can't be honest and lean on him now, what will happen when you are married?
Lastly, if you are constantly thinking about ending your life, please call a hotline or go to the local emergency room... many will help people even if they can't pay.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling.
Hugs
Emily