SET UP FOR FAILURE?
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| Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:37pm |
i may have already shared that my husband threw me out after discovering i was having an affair. actually, he threw me out a few weeks later - after he said he stilled loved me and we could work it out. he concocted a horrible plan: first an attempt to have me baker acted (he threw out all my meds and called the police 2x claiming i was mentall ill, suicidal and off my meds); then he decided that he would have an injuction against me to force me out of the house and tie my hands in any chance to get custody (meaning that he would have to pay some sort of child support) - he picked a f ight with me and called the cops saying i threatened to kill him, kidnap the baby, and that i punched him in the chest (the reality of it was that is thumped himself in the chest until it was red while i was backed in a corner with him shouting that he wishes i would just kill myself and get out of his life because he hasn't loved me in a long time, etc.).
i was not convicted but he was awarded a restraining order. so for the l ast year i have lost my home, my possessions (i got out with 2 bags of clothes, most of which were not my current wardrobe - that is "missing"), my daughter and what was my family. i have no family in this town. with all that loss, i also lost my job and only had my PT job to fall back on. i ended up losing that job too (about 8 weeks ago)
and now i am pregnant, about 10 weeks. i was on b/c. the guy is the man (i use that loosely) that i was having an affair with. i had no where else to live.
anyway, i'm being told that i can't have the house nor do i get any immediate equity from the house because husband doesn't have a means to buy me out. i have to wait, as a deeded tenant in common, until such time as he wants to sell. i'm being told that hubby is refusing any responsiblity to debt and f urther doesn't h ave any money to contribute to the debt (he has a new car, new toys, huge dating expense, all sorts of shoppping trips and weekends out of town whenever i have Mina).
i'm being told that i have no shot at custody because i don't have a good job or a home. how i am supposed to maintain a household fit for my daughter (income went from 55,000 to 12,000 a year; debt went from very manageable $150/mo payments to in arrears by nearly $15,000; no furniture, clothing, toys, etc.) so t he courts would consider awarding me custody. how am i supposed to prove i am mentally fit when i feel that my heart breaks over and over again every day and i've had 2 pretty bad breakdowns in the last year.
so, with only $25 in my name and a car that doesn't run i'm trying to find a way out. something to help me stay alive because i'm so close to being dead right now.
my husband no longer lets me see Mina whenever - it's down to every other weekend like clockwork and then if the weather is bad he makes a call that my trailer is too unsafe for a thunderstorm, etc.
i have a friend who has offered to let me take off with her. she is on her way to RI in 10 days. she says that she can pretty much guarantee me a decent job (and even if that doesn't work out i guess i could still find some sort of job - even fast food, right). i only have a few possessions, but the thought of leaving Mina behind kills me. I can't even see straight from the utter dismay and tears. But what else will i have? A home that i can't stand to be in? A jerk living w ith me. Seeing my daughter every other weekend and being absolutely out of control a s far as parenting her (even though i'm supposed to have some parental rights, i have none - these are just too difficult to enforce or maintain when you do not have substantial custody/visitation). I have a criminal arrest record that is preventing me from working. I have a reputation in this town because my husband and his mother love to put me down.
i guess i can get a few hundred for my p/o/s car at a junkyard? and i guess i can sign over all my divorce stuff before i leave if i just give up everything (since i'm not getting anything anyway). i don't think it matters where i am to g ive the baby up f or adoption, right? i haven't signed anythign with any attorneys anyway.
i also considered moving to VA to live with my parents, but my younger siblings (27 and 24 also live at home, both with their toddler's). My brother is a drug addict and my sister is a looser. It would be horribly uncomfortable and I don't even want to t ell my family that i'm pregnant.
does this make sense? am i the worlds worst mom for considering leaving her child behind. or was i already the worlds worst mom for having an affair and causing this sort of destruction (honestly, it never occurred to me that i could lose my daughter just by having an affair - my husband, yes...but my daughter?) will my daughter love me anymore? what other option do i have?
it hurts so bad, but i just can't seem to think of anything else. i need her so badly, but i won't seem to have her either way. and there is no way i can afford to have a place here without substantial income (i haven't worked in nearly 10 weeks, i think, and i've been searching and seasrching). i'd need to come up with so much money to move out on my own and i just don't see it h appening.
i can't stop crying and shaking and thinking that when hubby comes to get her at 5pm today that it will be the last time i see her for a very long time. it would be months and months before i would have a visitation with a standard long-distance visitation i would have part of christmas - 3 months away! will she even remember me then?
how do i tell my daughter about this? when do i tell my husband? it seems i only have a few hours left with her for what seems like forever...i'm so heartbroken.

Hi hon,
the local victim's advocate had been in contact with me weeks before my husband had me arrested. i was in contact with them because he kept p utting me out of the house and changing the locks and ultimately throwing out my meds. but none of this was of any concern in court. in court (civil) it was simply a matter of my husband claiming i was unstable and threatening and the judge awarding him temporary custody and posession of the home. so i have been trying to make it (and make it for my daughter) on little to nothing for a year. the advocate says it is abuse, but since he pressed charges against me he has already won - it's basically a who fights first (even if it's not fair) situation, i guess. it doesn't seem right and i struggle every day feeling like a victim and hopeless about beating the system or how unrighteous it all seems.
most of my friends were actually friends of my husband and none talk to me any more. i have 2 new friends, since separating, but they're really not in a position to help me. one has offered to take me in but she's the one who is leaving for Rhode Island in a few days. i made a list of people who should be able to give positive statements about my parenting (because i took care of their children) but for every person that i have on my list my husband has 2 people on his list that i'm sure will try and make me look just awful. my husband even has the nerve to list 2 women he slept with while we were married (they are friends of ours, or were friends of mine...we had a sort of agreement at times with other people). i never intended to have anyone degrade his parenting - i could never do that. but that is his intention. he doesn't want to just have someone say he is a good parent, he wants to put me out and down. i don't understand why this happened to me. he really did stop loving me and i don't know why i thought a romantic affair would change anything. i don't know why he stopped loving me - i asked him and begged him for help.
I do have a legal aid pro bono attorney, but he is advising me things are pretty well spelled out for my husband. He says that there isn't a judge in town that would award me custody while i live with another man and don't have a job, let alone that i had an affair and ending our marriage. I used to be a good person. I was a teacher at a very nice school. I was there for everyone and worked so hard (70 hours a week, 2 jobs). I was responsible and loving and desperate to make everyone around me happy. And now every day i am more and more miserable and just want to be put out of my misery.
I can't not be with my daughter. It hurts too much to think of it. I can't watch her grow up on the outside without any real physical contact and without any real legal input. It would just be better for her to not have to wonder what happened. You know she's so young (3) that she doesn't even remember that mommy and daddy were once together and in love. And soon, she won't even remember that mommy used to be with her every day. I can't live with the fact that in a few years she w ill be able to verbalize how angry she is or how dissapointed she is or how abandoned she feels - whether or not i move, she will still be abandoned by me.
I missed my therapy appointment last Friday. It was the second one in a row I missed. I feel bad because my counselor is le aving the area this week and I wanted to say goodbye. But i hate dragging myself out of the house anymore. I just lay in the bed and weep and wish i were able to know what to do and how to fix anything/something.
I am pretty confident i have looked in to all of the housing options in my area - there really aren't any. I applied for state HUD housing but evidentally they either don't have anything or i didn't qualify because i never got an a pproval throught the case w orker at my clinic. I asked about shelter for vicitims, but i do not qualify because i have an arrest record (funny, i wasn't guilty...but that doesn't seem to matter anymore...the justice of it all has really let me down).
I just hurt so bad that i feel sick. I can't let 5 minutes pass without feeling devasted by all of the thoughts of leaving my daughter and losing my family. All i wish for is that i could fix something, do something, have someone to talk to, have my husband forgive me, celebrate something good, have something to look forward too. My eyes hurt all the time and are swollen from the tears. I just can't keep living this sad and this remorseful. I don't know how to get out anymore and the only way i can think of getting out is by leaving my daughter and either way feels utterly painful.
I'm so sorry things are so awful right now. And yes, you made some mistakes but I don't know of a human being who hasn't! For me personally, I don't think affairs are a good thing but I think largely people who do that sort of thing are searching for something much deeper than they can find in the arms of a stranger--or even a close friend. We need to look within ourselves and become aware of where the holes in our souls are--drain the "poison" out and THEN work at filling them with healthier things that nurture us and are not harmful.
If you need us, we're here for you at any time. I check the board often and will continue checking it all day today and tomorrow to see if you've posted. PLEASE STAY SAFE!
Hugs,
Keli