Lurker, figuring things out
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| Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:55pm |
I think I may have posted here once before about a friend who had comitted suicide, but I was pretty emotional and probably a little disjointed.
But I think I know now, what may have been in his heart, I guess I knew it even then, we were rather similar creatures. You see, for me, I feel like I've always had this big bottomless pit in my soul. Like a disease or something. And I don't know where it came from. I have tried and tried to fill it, figuring I will be content, when I have that degree, when I'm married, when I'm a mother, when I get a vacation... well I've had all of that and it SHOULD be enough. I know even just the people who love me, and there are lots should be enough. But I'm not right. There's something very broken. And nothing takes it away that emptiness that need, and with every transient good moment I know it's coming back. And I hang around here out of guilt for everyone...but now I'm at a point where my hunger will hurt them....I just consume you see. Today I realized that if my fairy godmother arrived and asked me what it would take to make me happy I would have no answer. I don't know what will make me look forward to waking up. There is no person, no accomplishment, no experience, no pill, no nothing...that changes it. I don't hope to be happy anymore, I don't know what it looks like. I'm just too hungry. It has to be an anomaly because there are poeple who have really bad things happen, and they still find a will to go on. I'm a nurse, I know what I would say to someone else and it doesn't help me. I have a beautiful family, I have everything and I'm sure my misery can only poison them all. I'm just tired.
So what I've decided is to set a time in the future and make myself try until then. To let go of some rules and take some risks, to climb out of the box and make it the best time ever, and maybe when that day comes I'll feel better. And if I don't then at least I'll know I gave it one last good shot. And I'll make it seem an accident and they'll never know. They'll be sad and that makes me feel awful but in the long run, at the end of the day they will be okay, because I won't be here draining them with my often hurtful efforts to feel good. But I'm going to try.
Lisa

I hope you are feeling better. Just a nicety really, we all know we post when we are really down.
I have been lately feeling the way that you have, so I know what an immense struggle it is. That feeling of doom. Dam#.
I cannot imagine feeling the strength of feeling you have. It takes tremendous courage to do battle with 'yourself'. It is wearisome, isn't it.
I'm a little different. I have chronic pain really bad, I just posted because I was sobbing at my desk at work and posting here made me feel better.
I like the thought , I guess of saying, putting it off till I give it one more good go. I think that too. Truthfully, we all want to live, but God made us feeling creatures, adn the one thing that we all need I think is to experience the feeling of JOY every now and then. Without it we just know, there is a part of us that just doesn't experience our humaness. Like we have no place in the universe. There is little meaning to life. Without JOY.
I say this, as a serious face (tongue and jaw nerve injury) has finally taken just about every feeling of JOY that I could muster. Life was da#ned hard enough without one of the worst injuries known to man (nerve pain) in MY HEAD nonetheless, so for me it comes down to this.
One way or the other, regrdless what we face or suffer, we MUST find a way to expereince JOY, even if it fleeting or transient. This is how I feel anyway. Chronic pain that never stops is stealing my joy, day to day, and I am not surewhat I can do. I relate to all of you posting here in ways. But I will keep trying for now, to find one thing today, no matter how small, that brings me a little joy.
Iguess I'll try to think about things for a while. Not make any hasty decisions.
I sure wish I could take a break from work toget my head on straight. But i'm sure the non understanding would consider it DRAMA QUEEN. I hate that. When they have a problem, it is real, but if I have one (mine never goes away, see) so they figure if I can cope with it one day I should be able to cope every day and that is not the case.
Venting over. Why did God make us SO SENSITIVE???
Love sister and brothers. No less than the trees and the stars,
Beta
P.S. If I come up with a solution - you will be the first one I let know ;)