I can't believe what i did...
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| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:27pm |
I've been in a verbally abusive relationship, and I usually post on that board, but this board seemed more appropriate today. Things with my husband have been really good the last few weeks, and I thought that things were so much better. We went to a party on saturday night and we both had several drinks. I was talking to a girl (I'll call her S)and we got on the weight issue, and I cried about mine (I'm not overweight, but my husband tells me I am. I'm in a size 8 but he wants me to be in a size 2). Anyway, a guy walked over and S started to try to get him into the conversation. He looked uncomfortable, so I let him off the hook and sent him away, and pulled myself together quickly, redid my makeup and joined the party. As my husband and I were getting ready to go, my husband was in another room and I said to the guy sorry about earlier, didn't mean for S to bring you into it. He said no problem. My husband and I walked out to the car, and he started yelling at me because he wanted to know what I said to the guy. I told him. He said that he didn't belive me and that he couldn't trust me and that I was a whore. (by the way, I've never cheated or anything, he doesn't have any basis for this. I've always been emotionally and physicically faithful) He really went off on me (verbally). He dropped me off at home, and sped back to the party to question the poor guy and anyone else who had been around me all night.
After he left I drank several shots of vodka (I usually don't drink, and if I do, I don't drink much so I don't handle this much alchol very well, it was a bad idea). I wasn't thinking much at all, so I can't tell you much about my thought process, but I was feeling sad. I just got a knife and started cutting at my arm. I didn't have any force behind it, and I didn't draw any blood, they are just slight scratches. Anyway, I kind of looked at my arm in shock, and then I put the knife in the sink and went to lay down until my husband got home. When he did he was calm, happy, and apologetic. He confirmed my story by questioning everyone and he was sorry he didn't trust me. We went to bed fairly happy. Yesterday morning he saw my wrist. Now he says he's considering a divorce because he can't be with a suicidal person. He wants me to get on anti-depressants. I don't feel suicidal, and I don't feel depressed. I'm kind of worried about me doing that (not that I'll get any sympathy from him) and I know it was a bad thing to do, but I'm even more worried about being labeled suicidal. Could they take my child away if they do? I'm not a bad mom, and I don't have suicidal thoughts. My husband says that my actions must mean something, and I agree, but what? I don't want to die.
I really need some advice right now. Thank you in advance for any thoughts on this.
Becky

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Hi there and welcome to our board! I am glad you found us and I think you'll find it a supportive place to get support and/or vent when you need to!
For what it's worth, I don't believe you are suicidal either... because if you were, you would have been showing symptoms well before the party! That said, alcohol is a depressant and it is never a good idea to "self medicate" with alcohol or drugs when we are feeling sad, frustrated, inadequate, angry or other emotions but as you pointed out, you aren't a "drinker" and what's done is done.
Hi Becky. I'm glad that you came to the board, there are so many wonderful, supportive people here. My name is Samantha, I'm 23, married with two kids. I am in a verbally abusvie relationship, although he thinks the horrible things he says are funny, they deeply hurt. I am also a recovering self-injurer. I've been cutting and burning since age 12. The reason most people resort to cutting is because their emotions are so strong and they have no other way to deal with them. I take it you were pretty upset, I know I would be. My husband is much the same way, he gets jealous if a guy looks at me out of the corner of his eye. If he's been drinking it is WAY worse! Your husband's behavior was sooo inappropriate. And he thinks a size 8 is too big!! Especially after having a child!!! That is sooo horrible!!! I'm a 13 and can only hope to one day be a size 8!lol!
As far as having your child taken away, that is highly unlikely. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Post-Traumatic
Thank you for your answers. I am feeling so much better already. My husband and I talked last night for quite awhile and he said that he couldn't understand why I would do something like that. Based on a different post I read here yesterday, I told him that I thought it was at least partially because I needed a way to express how upset I was, and I don't feel like I'm listened to most of the time. He seemed to really think about that. I have a therapy appointment on Saturday, and he's promised to come with me for joint counseling in the future, on the condition that I'm honest to the therapist about what I did to myself. That scares me to death!
Thinking about how I've been feeling lately, I feel like I don't have a support system. I work full time, am going to school full time, have a child and husband (who deep down feels that women were made to take care of him, he is also going to work full time and school full time). I was also recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia (a chronic pain and fatigue syndrom). Sometimes I'm so tired I just sit down anywhere I can be alone and just cry. Sometimes I feel like I could stand in a room screaming and no one would notice. Anyway, I don't think I'm suicidal (thank you both of you for confirming that) but I do think I am overwhelmed, and need to find some good healthy ways of letting my stress out, and finding some help.
I also talked to my husband about my weight last night, and he says that he thinks I'm pretty, he thought he was helping me become "even prettier". I told him that I've been feeling uglier and uglier because of his comments. He said he'll try and work on it. I hope he does. Talking to him about these two things was really hard, because I thought he was going to start screaming, yelling, or blaming me. That's how it usually goes. I'm relieved it went so well. I was pretty scared, and I don't think I would have talked to him if he hadn't brought it up.
Honestly, I have felt the desire to hurt myself when I was emotionally hurting before, but not very often, and I hadn't actually done it before. Thank you both for your advice on ways not to do that.
Becky
Hey Becky,
Thanks so much for your advice, especially on what to do with the visit to the therapist. Knowing that they won't do anything extreme will make it much easier to open up and be honest. I am considering cutting back to one school class at a time for one or two quarters, so I can take a small break while still moving forward, also, I'm going to stop drinking altogether until I can get my act together a little better. Since I don't drink much (once or twice a month) I don't think this will be difficult, and everyone is right, it is the smart thing to do. I think I read in one of your posts that you used to cut yourself? Do you (or anyone else out there) know why that's an attraction for some people? Like I said, I've thought about it a few times, but never to kill myself, and I never followed through. I always thought it was a weird thing to think, even when I was thinking about it.
Thanks,
Becky
I am so glad you are working things out with your husband and he is listening to you for once.
Something to think about though. After your SI or acting act as you will,...your post here portrayed that your main concern was for your children and if you could lose them.
Seeking help after this acting out, is excellent and will look favorably upon you later should the question arise.
However, there is sure way to lose your children (and I am speaking from experience of my best friend)...
...continue in a verbally abusive relationship which may escalate into an act of violence. If you ever have to call the authorities, child welfare will come in and YOU will be held accountable for QUOTE:"NOT REMOVING THE CHILDREN FROM AN ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT"). This is what happened to my girlfriend. Her husband got violent,(he pushed her to the floor while holding her infant son) she called the cops, she told them that he had been abusive verbally and had pushed her around and they told her that it was her RESPONSIBILITY TO REMOVE THEM FROM SUCH AN ENVIRONMENT. End of story. The kids have been in custody of child services for almost a year. She has had to undergo every kind of psychiatric test (how could someone let their kids be around that, a sane, well adjusted person would get away from any form of abuse including VERBAL, etc...), do endless child rearing courses and parenting tests etc... now coming up on year she may get them back, or not, she may lose them forever if even one doctor decides she isn't perfect or whatever (doctors make incorrect assessments all the time). She has depression (who wouldn't) and all it takes is for one of these doctors who step into yopur life because you husband is acting like a childish idiot, and decide you are unfit because you didn't have the kahyunas to get out. It happens all the time.
So, I would sit down with your husband, tell him what is actually at stake, especially if he EVER EVER gets physical with you...and ask him if he wants a loving partner in this life OR NOT. Staying with an abusive man may lose you everything. I feel so so bad for my girlfriend, she thought she was being strong trying to keep everything together. Now she may lose 4 children FOREVER all because of a selfish husband who thinks she's fat (she's not, puts her down and then pushed her around). Family OVER.
Ask your husband if loves his kids. Ask him if you should leave now or wait for child welfare to take them. Ask him if maybe he would like to grow up. Bring these things out in therapy. Then it will be documented that you are only staying with him if he agrees to resolve HIS ISSUES in therapy, otherwise YOU ARE LEAVING FOR THE SAKE OF THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY OF THE CHILDREN. PERHAPS IF YOU DO THIS, IT WILL NOT BE USED AGAINST YOU AT A LATER DATE (and will certainly be na eye-opener for your selfish hsuband who thinks all the issues are yours).
And he says he would consider divorce because in essence, he can't be with someone he abuses. Goodie for him. Pre-empt him, and maye then he may discover some more respect for you. All in therapy of course.
I cannot beleive that my girlfriend has lost her children. She was and is an excellent MOM. I have known her for 25 years.
Please, I hope therapy will help you get a healthier perspective as to your husband's actions and that he realises what is actually at stake. Everything.
I do not want to come across as scaring you, but reality can be cruel. Listening to my sobbing girlfriend is all too real.
All because he pushed her to the floor while she was holding her infant son.
Good, good luck and bring out all hubby's abuse in therapy. He thinks it all for 'your issues'. That is why he is the sick one. I hope he begins to see that. I am sure the therapist will. Any man who needs to do what he did the other night needs help. Serious help. And the other behaviour I suspect IMHO is only the tip of the iceberg is it not?
Put your children first above all else, and you will come out OK no matter what. PS I have been to the abuse board too.
Love and hugs Beta
Hey Becky,
Thanks for your advice. Beta, I'm so sorry for what has happened to your friend. I will be careful to leave if things begin looking worse. I think that right now DH and I are both willing to get help and try to work on things, so I think that leaving right now would be premature, but I am glad to have this information and will use it if the therapy does not work. My DH is a wonderful father and is often a wonderful husband. The verbal abuse has been lessening over the past year or so, and he only does this when our son is not around, because he wants our child to respect me. Like I said, it has been getting a lot better, but when it does happen it is now more of a shock.
Lori,
Thanks again. I was looking over the boards and realized that maybe I should be posting on the self-injury board, but everyone has been so nice here I almost don't want to leave. You guys really look out for each other and don't judge at all. I really appreciate that.
Hugs,
Becky
Sounds like there is hope to me. As long as you stand your ground. If you are too afraid to stand your ground or speak up, then you know there needs intervention. Your hubby sounds like he needs some coping skills. I went to the abuse board and at the top the is a quiz. Try taking it. From your one post it suggests that your hub is a prime candidate to turn violent. Not all do of course, but unfortunately these types of behaviours tend to escalate with time. Hopefully, now you can stand up for yourself and the therapy may actually save your family. Many men do not believe that what they are doing will cause you to leave. And they are right. Your esteem erodes and you can't (in a nutshell).
It doesn't have to happen, your kids and family do not need be in jeapoardy and you can live as a happy family, he does love you even though his methods are immature...you can all grow. Grow together. Settle for nothing less and let him know it. Trust, love and decency and growth. Because you and your children are worth it. good luck Becky, if this can be stopped and dealt with now...before things go too far, and fear enters the picture, you may actually make it. You kids wnat a Mom and Dad forever. I'm sure your hubby does too. Find out if he wants a beautiful, trusted companion for life, or not.
Go Becky. One of my best friends name is Becky. So Go Becky...hear our voices the next time he insults you and tell him straight up each and every time why it is out of line and unnecessay and if he doesn't get it, well, that is why you are in counseling. He thinks you are the problem. Big surprise for him once the counselour hears of him going back to that party to 'check out your story'. Classic escalation of the abuse cycle. I am so happy to hear that things haven't gone too far yet. Less regret, resentment and recrinination to deal with.
Consider yourself lucky. Him too. It is worth saving. The man and woaman you once were that gave vows are still in there. Wouldn't it be nice to find them again. :)
Beta
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