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| Sun, 10-24-2004 - 1:56am |
I've always told myself I could never think of going through with killing myself, but now I don't think I have a choice. let me give you some history:
I'm the oldest of 4 kids, out of a physically abusive family. I did one wrong thing against the law and my mother disowned me ever since, luckily it was stricken from my record once I was 18. So my parents said that if i wanted to go to college, i was "on my own." So i did what anyone would do, I got the hell away from there to a different state and went to school. I made friends, but realized that I couldn't afford to keep taking out loans to finish school, so I transfered schools back to a different state-separate from my parents- and finished school up there. So now I am finishing my bachelor's degree in 3 yrs this May. And when I graduate, I have loans to pay, thus the problem.
My whole life, I've been taught to be indpendent but not allowed to BE independent. For example, my parents refused me to work because they didn't want to drive me to and from work. So I had no money and no allowance, yet they would say "if you want a car, you'll have to pay for it." So now I'm with my grandparents, they pay for food and I work this time, only I have enough money to pay for my school books and stuff. I'm 21 and I don't even know how to drive, how sad is that. I took driver's ed, but my parents didn't want to pay for my license or insurance, let alone let me drive their car. Thus, the same situation with my grandparents. So my grandfather complains about taking me everywhere, but won't allow me to drive his car or give me a car of my own because they won't pay for it. And I don't make enough money to do anything.
So I have no car, no money for insurance, no license, no independence, no one willing to help me -not my parents, not my grandparents, no one- and I have loans to pay coming up in a few months. And the worst part of it all is that I have a long-distance bf, who I met at my original school before I transfered. And he loves me to death even though I can't see him, and he's in the same situation I am, only his parents are rich enough to give him what he needs. So with no help on this, and there's not a job in the world that will give me enough money to pay my bills and feed me, I have no choice but to kill myself once I graduate. At least I can die knowing I accomplished something, as small as that is. I have no mentor in my life, no one who cares, I have no friends, they're all in the state I left behind. And it kills me that I have to be alone like this. That I have to spend every night crying because I don't have enough money to live on my own, because my grandparents will throw me out once I graduate they said. I really have no choice. And I just don't know how to break this to my bf, as loving and wonderfujl that he is, that he won't see me again. I guess that's my real question. I've given up on God answering my prayers. He hasn't answered them the last 20 yrs of my life.
So for anyone who cares to respond, thanks for your time.

Hi there and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll hang out and get to know us a bit!
First let me say, I'll be your mentor--and yes, I AM serious about that!! I think you have shown incredible courage and determination--first in deciding to get out of your parents home and secondly to go to college "no matter what!" That takes guts, girl!!
Secondly, let me tell you (if you haven't been told already or if you just need "reminding") that what you went through as a child with physically abusive and