just feeling so sad and a nothing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
just feeling so sad and a nothing
8
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 5:34pm
Just needing to type here if that is alright. Still feeling so worthless because I cannot find a job,,,and then when I finally qualify for an interview they don't call me back and I can't understand why. My self-esteem is so low. I live with someone who is very controlling and verbally abusive ( has been physical too ) and that chips away at my well-being all of the time. Especially at night is when I feel the worse,,,when the only distractions I have are the thoughts that run through my head and the feeling of just wanting to make them stop. I try to appreciate what I do have and yet my saddness seems to just overtake that. I often wonder what it is like to be truly happy,,,just what does that feel like I wonder.

I've started SI'ing again,,,been fighting it but thought what the heck and gave in to it again. I have no real friends anymore and think why would anyone want to be my friend anyway. I have a family but still feel so so alone. The thought of another long cold and dark winter coming is making me feel even worse ( I live in Ontario too Lori BTW )

Anyway,,,I'm sorry for coming here and spreading my woes,,,I just needed to try to get some of it out of me somehow,,,,I'm sorry,,,,thank you for reading this though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 9:52pm

Hi there...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:24am


Hello ~

Sorry to hear how low you~re feeling.

Would you like to leave your partner? You mention having family...can you talk with your mom or someone close? Tell them how you feel...see if you can stay with them if you do decide to leave. I have left a verbally abusive relationship (he was physcially abusive one time) so I know about some of the things you~re feeling.

Read Lori~s post again...it makes a lot of sense.

Sending you HUGS

Faith

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just needing to type here if that is alright. Still feeling so worthless because I cannot find a job,,,and then when I finally qualify for an interview they don't call me back and I can't understand why. My self-esteem is so low. I live with someone who is very controlling and verbally abusive ( has been physical too ) and that chips away at my well-being all of the time. Especially at night is when I feel the worse,,,when the only distractions I have are the thoughts that run through my head and the feeling of just wanting to make them stop. I try to appreciate what I do have and yet my saddness seems to just overtake that. I often wonder what it is like to be truly happy,,,just what does that feel like I wonder.

I've started SI'ing again,,,been fighting it but thought what the heck and gave in to it again. I have no real friends anymore and think why would anyone want to be my friend anyway. I have a family but still feel so so alone. The thought of another long cold and dark winter coming is making me feel even worse ( I live in Ontario too Lori BTW )

Anyway,,,I'm sorry for coming here and spreading my woes,,,I just needed to try to get some of it out of me somehow,,,,I'm sorry,,,,thank you for reading this though.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:50pm
I just wanted to let you know that I hear you...and send you many hugs...it is sooooo hard to go through emotional abuse...well, abuse of any kind...but emotional abuse just eats away at you little by little...like Lori said. I've been there...my dh and I got through it, and managed to get help. But please keep yourself safe, and know that there is hope. We're here for you. Reach out to someone, even us...

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 9:09pm
I wanted to say 'thank you' to you all for the thoughtful and kind words you wrote to me. I should tell you that the woman I am seeing deals with women who have been in abusive relationships as well as being a licensed therapist for other things. She has offered me help and the options available for me and my children should I ever want to leave. It isn't always bad here, so I try to concentrate on when it is alright. I just wish it was alright more often. Right now I really don't think I could make it on my own, sometimes my head is such a mess that even if I could do it financially I don't know if I could handle all the comes with starting over alone. Yes, I guess I am a coward.

I have an appointment with her this week and I sort of want to discuss how I have been feeling so down and have been SI'ing quite a bit. Thing is I sense she is uncomfortable with that and so I don't say much because I don't want to make her feel bad. She is very kind but sometimes her eyes fill with tears when I talk to her,,,and that makes me feel uncomfortable. lol,,, sort of a funny scenario I am thinking now.

This is getting too long,,,I apologize for that,,,,but thank you again.

Oh and I feel selfish not asking how everyone else is doing ? I do so hope you are all coping the best way you can right now and that some sunshine manages to slide its way into your days.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:54am

Please don't feel badly about not being ready to leave your relationship at this time. Many women mention that very fear of being alone and feeling unsure about how they will survive financially that you mention. Nothing to be ashamed of. And the fact is, there ARE some women who won't leave. They will just stay and try their best to avoid the physical and emotional blows and not rock the boat. Whatever YOU choose, we're here for ya!


Glad to hear you have a therapist to talk to also. I hope in time you will be able to tell her ANYTHING--regardless of her comfort level. Just try to remember that it is not your job to take care of her feelings and it is up to her if she is unable to deal with something professionally to either learn more about it, seek supervision or refer you to someone who IS more experienced in such things. (Can you tell social work is my field? LOL!)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:32pm


Emotional/verbal/physical abuse is a tough thing to deal with (I went through it myself)especially because of the loneliness and confusion you feel. May I ask if you are working and earning your own money, or are you completely financially independent from your husband? I found by earning my own money, even though it wasn~t that much, it made me feel better about myself...gave me independence. Each week I secretly put something by, which added to the "flight" money I had saved if the worse would come to the worse and I~d find myself out on the street in the middle of the night again. With this money (saved over 2 years) I could help myself with my new life. I forget if you mentioned having any kind of support from your family? Could you talk to your family, maybe stay with them? Have you thought of staying at a safe house? I know it~s scary.

I echo what Lori says about your therapist...as your therapist she shouldn~t be giving you the feeling that you are overburdening her emotionally ~ as a trained therapist she ought to be acting professionally, and not acting on her own feelings. (She does sound a dear sensitive person, but you need a therapist here to help YOU!)

Well, that~s my 2 cents! I hope it helps.

HUGS

Faith

~~~~~~~

I wanted to say 'thank you' to you all for the thoughtful and kind words you wrote to me. I should tell you that the woman I am seeing deals with women who have been in abusive relationships as well as being a licensed therapist for other things. She has offered me help and the options available for me and my children should I ever want to leave. It isn't always bad here, so I try to concentrate on when it is alright. I just wish it was alright more often. Right now I really don't think I could make it on my own, sometimes my head is such a mess that even if I could do it financially I don't know if I could handle all the comes with starting over alone. Yes, I guess I am a coward.

I have an appointment with her this week and I sort of want to discuss how I have been feeling so down and have been SI'ing quite a bit. Thing is I sense she is uncomfortable with that and so I don't say much because I don't want to make her feel bad. She is very kind but sometimes her eyes fill with tears when I talk to her,,,and that makes me feel uncomfortable. lol,,, sort of a funny scenario I am thinking now.

This is getting too long,,,I apologize for that,,,,but thank you again.

Oh and I feel selfish not asking how everyone else is doing ? I do so hope you are all coping the best way you can right now and that some sunshine manages to slide its way into your days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:12am
Hi,,,just wanted to tell you that they did call me for my interview. I went and actually was given the job. I still can't believe it. I have so much self-confidence to build and I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I took an anxiety pill before going and know I'll be needing them for awhile at least when I start there. I do know though in the long run how vital it was for me to get this job as now it is almost like someone has thrown me a rope because I have really felt myself spiralling down. Can't SI at work now can I ? lol ( have before but you know what I mean )

So anyway,,,just wanted to share something 'good' finally. Thanks to everyone for being here and understanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:37pm
...~~~CONGRATULATIONS!~~~...on getting the job!!!

I think everyone is anxious ~ well I am! ~ when beginning a new job...first day nerves and all that.

HUGS!

Faith

~~~~~~~

Hi,,,just wanted to tell you that they did call me for my interview. I went and actually was given the job. I still can't believe it. I have so much self-confidence to build and I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I took an anxiety pill before going and know I'll be needing them for awhile at least when I start there. I do know though in the long run how vital it was for me to get this job as now it is almost like someone has thrown me a rope because I have really felt myself spiralling down. Can't SI at work now can I ? lol ( have before but you know what I mean )

So anyway,,,just wanted to share something 'good' finally. Thanks to everyone for being here and understanding.