Fed Up (trigger)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fed Up (trigger)
5
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:03pm
hello- (i originally typed this message in the "depression support group" message board but i didnt have very much luck as far as responses go. i dont really know what i am expecting to get out of this...maybe a little comfort?...but i would really appreciate some feedback...anything.- i thought i might have intimidated some of the people in the other board so maybe i can relate to the people in this one more...anyway...please help)...- i found this while bawling my eyes out-looking for someone to talk to just to vent and i had to go through the whole stupid process of signing up and confirming and stuff. it made me SO MUCH more frustrated! then i finally got signed up and i couldnt figure out how to start my own new discussion! i am such an idiot. anyway- the reason why i have been so upset is that i always go unnoticed by those i love! (mainly my boyfriend.) you see, i beat myself up about it and get SO SAD that he doesnt appreciate the things i do for him. i have tried to talk to him and everything and he says he is sorry and all that stuff but it just happens over and over. i feel so stupid when i talk about it because i know what i am SUPOSED to do in this situation. i give advice to my "friends" about it all the time. i tell them to drop the guy and that they can do so much better and blah blah balh. so, when i hear this stuff...i just feel like they are thinking that i am a complete idiot and that makes me feel even worse.

i attempted to commit suicide a few times in the past- or at least it ended up being that way. i swear i wasnt thinking "i want to die" while i was doing it. it was just the sort of thing where i wanted to see if i could still feel at all. i was SO emotionally exhausted that i literally felt numb to everything. i felt so invisible to everyone important in my life that i just had to...i dont know...prove to myself that i was still really there i guess? i know it sounds crazy... i doubt anyone really even knows what im talking about...its a really akward thing for me to talk about because i hear myself saying the words and know what i would think of someone if i didnt feel the same way and they were telling me the same thing. i would probably think they were crazy... i have thoughts like this all the time but i am so afraid to talk to the people i love about it. i alreayd know that i need help...i know what i have to do but i dont have the strength and courage to do anything about it. i could never see myself saying "mom...dad..i need help." they think so highly of me right now and i dont want to ruin that. they ahve their own problems and we just buried the ones we had in the past. (my parents getting divorced and the hostility i had towards it...i finally just gave up and took it for what it was.) i dont know...i better stop before you guys get tired or reading and dont finish... i dontk now what im expecting to get out of this...but hey...i guess i dont know a lot of things...

~Leanna~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: lvague
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:14pm

Hey Leanna and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us and that you decided to take the time to sign up! It might have been frustrating for you at the time but I hope you will find it was worth it to get some support! I ask all members if they haven't already to familiarize themselves with the terms of service (TOS) just to avoid any potential problems re: posting. Basically we ask that you do not use any profanity...including the use of symbols in place of letters, and that you respect others feelings/thoughts and opinions as they will respect yours. If you see a violation, you can click on the "report a violation" link to the right of the page and/or let me know and I will take care of it.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: lvague
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:51pm
Hi again...I know how you feel, because I've been there, and in lots of ways am STILL there...while my marriage to my dh of 13 years has gotten better, MUCH better...we still are having problems...especially with communication...and I think a lot of that is my fault...I have a hard time communicating my feelings...and THEN i start apologizing to HIM for things that I shouldn't...and I too, tell my friends, and even myself, GET OUT OF IT...but i don't...and i won't...but that doesn't make me weak...it just means I love my husband and I acknowledge that we have problems. But we've been apart too, 3 separations, and its not any better for us apart. Just take everything day by day.

As for your suicidal thoughts...THOSE are more pressing in my opinion. I've been hospitalized for being suicidal before. And I didn't necessarily enjoy it every minute, but it wasn't a horrible experience either...and most importantly, it saved my life, and got me on my feet again. Please reach out to someone, if not your parents, then someone. You need some help to get through them. I'm here for you if you need to talk. I'll try to check the board again, but it may not be until Monday. I'll try really hard to check it tomorow.

Stay safe. Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
In reply to: lvague
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 1:05am
hello lori~ thank you so much for responding. it helps so much to hear the advice of someone who is sympathetic and has been through the same sort of situation. = yes, i am still in school...i am 19. do you think that has anything ot do with why im feeling this way?- anyway...no, i have never been to therapy but i think it might actually be helpful to me. i realized over time that all i want are answers of why i feel this way and how i can get better. most of the time its just tat i need someone to talk to...i have so many quesitons..i dontk now- its weird. the only problem i dont have the money to pay for therapy myself and i dont know how to talk to my parents. i feel so akward that i think i might even start LAUGHING if i bring any of this up to them. (thats always been the way i dealt with uncomfortable situations...laughter and sarcasm.) i have done so good leading them to believe that everything is fine and dandy with me that i dont think they would believe it. i know i would end up having to convice them that im feeling depressed and i just dont think i am up for that. the only person i really felt comfortable talking to any of this with was my ex boyfriend. he was actually really great but i drove him away with all of this and my insecurities. he is only a year older than me so i dont blame him for not wanting to deal with any of it. i appreciate him for what he DID give to me of himself. he told me he was going to tell my parents about all of it a couple of times and i got really afraid. i told him it would ruin my home life and asked him why he is torturing me so much...that wasnt right for me to say...he was only trying to help...-but anyway...-no, my current boyfriend has never abused me..only taken me for granted as far as what i do for him. i have actually known him since 3rd grade and he has always had a crush on me. i know he would never intentionaly hurt me...its just that he thinks so highly of me now that im afraid to tell him any of this. i dont want him to think im not realy the girl he thought he was in love with for so long. does that make any sense?

~leanna~

thanks again for responding. it was such a relief to see that someone out there actually cares. i really do appreciate it. (oh...and im realy sorry for offending you or anyone else, if i did. thats the last thing i would ever want to do. thats just the way i have learned to deal with my uneasiness and sorrow... it doesnt seem as bad when i use sarcasm/humor for some reason.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: lvague
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 4:21pm

Hi Leanna,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: lvague
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 8:13am
Hello Ivaque ~

I can only speak of myself...when I was 19 my family fell apart, I was very unsure of myself and too dependent on others. The boyfriend I had then wasn~t good for me so I left him a year later. Now at almost 32 I am a lot more confident. I think life gets easier as you age because of your experiences, and what doesn~t break you, makes you, as the saying goes. So I think there is some truth in you wondering if your age has "something" to do with how you~re feeling, ie. low self esteem.

I think therapy would be a great thing for you. You will learn ways of looking after yourself.

Are your parents the types of people who don~t talk about their feelings? Maybe this is why you find it difficult to relate to them...? Why don~t you try talking to them? And if that doesn~t work you would still have a professional counsellor to talk to.

I hope you post again and that I could be of some help.

(((((HUGS)))))

Faith

~~~~~~~

hello lori~ thank you so much for responding. it helps so much to hear the advice of someone who is sympathetic and has been through the same sort of situation. = yes, i am still in school...i am 19. do you think that has anything ot do with why im feeling this way?- anyway...no, i have never been to therapy but i think it might actually be helpful to me. i realized over time that all i want are answers of why i feel this way and how i can get better. most of the time its just tat i need someone to talk to...i have so many quesitons..i dontk now- its weird. the only problem i dont have the money to pay for therapy myself and i dont know how to talk to my parents. i feel so akward that i think i might even start LAUGHING if i bring any of this up to them. (thats always been the way i dealt with uncomfortable situations...laughter and sarcasm.) i have done so good leading them to believe that everything is fine and dandy with me that i dont think they would believe it. i know i would end up having to convice them that im feeling depressed and i just dont think i am up for that. the only person i really felt comfortable talking to any of this with was my ex boyfriend. he was actually really great but i drove him away with all of this and my insecurities. he is only a year older than me so i dont blame him for not wanting to deal with any of it. i appreciate him for what he DID give to me of himself. he told me he was going to tell my parents about all of it a couple of times and i got really afraid. i told him it would ruin my home life and asked him why he is torturing me so much...that wasnt right for me to say...he was only trying to help...-but anyway...-no, my current boyfriend has never abused me..only taken me for granted as far as what i do for him. i have actually known him since 3rd grade and he has always had a crush on me. i know he would never intentionaly hurt me...its just that he thinks so highly of me now that im afraid to tell him any of this. i dont want him to think im not realy the girl he thought he was in love with for so long. does that make any sense?

~leanna~

thanks again for responding. it was such a relief to see that someone out there actually cares. i really do appreciate it. (oh...and im realy sorry for offending you or anyone else, if i did. thats the last thing i would ever want to do. thats just the way i have learned to deal with my uneasiness and sorrow... it doesnt seem as bad when i use sarcasm/humor for some reason.)