I need help before I loose my mind
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|Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:20pm|
Dear who ever cares,
I realize that this is a LONG LONG message but I started talking and I couldn't stop...
I need to know what is holding me back. I have been battling depression for years. It started when I was in Elementary. I always think; "If only I could have... I would be happy" I seem to get the things I want but it never seems to be enough, I always want more to pull me out of this depression.
To make my depression worse, I lost my second child 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I have had a hard time with this because most people just term it as a miscarriage and that I should move on with my life. But to me it wasn't just a miscarriage, he was a life to me. I even named him Warren after my father-in-law, which made some of my in-laws upset at me. They think that I am making a bigger deal about loosing him than I should. Most miscarriages people don't get to see and hold their baby. I was in labor for two days, my husband wasn't there when I needed to go to the hospital so a complete stranger had to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital she held my hand, and even though I didn't know here I clung to that hand for life because it was the only comfort I had at a time when you need comfort the most.
I can't stand to look at pregnant woman any more, even my own friends and family that are pregnant. My sister is now pregnant and has close to the same due date that I had with Warren a year ago, and I can't handle it!!! I am not happy for her! I know I need to be but I am so stuck on myself that I can't be happy for her.
I have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, and live my life in a dazz most days. I yell at my daughter for some of the stupidest things, even though I know that she is just being a kid. My house is ALWAYS a mess. I am not a good cook, I don't sew, I don't garden, I don't scrapbook, I can't think of anything that I do do that contributes to my family or even that I contribute to life in general. I just take up the air that could be used for someone more important. Someone that could do the world a little more good.
How I got to this point I will never know, all I know is that I need to get out of it. I am not as bad as I was when I lost Warren, because at that point in my life I had thougthts of not only harming myself but my daughter. I was doing crazy things like; I accidentally cut a lady off in traffic. I felt bad, but she didn't want me to forget what I did to her. She was honking her horn at me and following me for a good 5 minutes (I know she was following me because at one point she ended up turning around and going back the direction we came from) So I started following her at this point. We were speeding in and out of traffice during rush hour but I wasn't going to give up. I even thought "I wish she would pull over so we can fight. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot her and then myself" I must've followed her for a good 20 minutes and then finally decided to give up and let her be. When I got to the place I was going to I all of a sudden remembered; I had my at the time 10 month old daughter in the car with me threw all this. That really hit me how stupid I was.
I went to counseling and the counselor told me that I was bi-polar, and manick depressive. I believed him but everyone I told that didn't they told me that pysciatrists just try to find anything and everything wrong with a person, and that it isn't true. So I got off the anti-depressants and stopped going to the counselor because I felt like I was being judged for wasting my time on such details. I wasn't even getting support from my own husband for getting help, he was actually helping to convince me to stop going.
Most people would look at my life and say that I have a good life, but not me. I fing fault with everything and everyone. I hate my inlaws, I hate pregnant woman, I hate happy people, I hate being married (even though I love my husband), I hate working (but I guess who doesn't), I can't do anything that I use to consider fun (I haven't done the things I consider fun in YEARS).
Thanks for listening to me complain