I need help before I loose my mind
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:20pm |
Dear who ever cares,
I realize that this is a LONG LONG message but I started talking and I couldn't stop...
I need to know what is holding me back. I have been battling depression for years. It started when I was in Elementary. I always think; "If only I could have... I would be happy" I seem to get the things I want but it never seems to be enough, I always want more to pull me out of this depression.
To make my depression worse, I lost my second child 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I have had a hard time with this because most people just term it as a miscarriage and that I should move on with my life. But to me it wasn't just a miscarriage, he was a life to me. I even named him Warren after my father-in-law, which made some of my in-laws upset at me. They think that I am making a bigger deal about loosing him than I should. Most miscarriages people don't get to see and hold their baby. I was in labor for two days, my husband wasn't there when I needed to go to the hospital so a complete stranger had to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital she held my hand, and even though I didn't know here I clung to that hand for life because it was the only comfort I had at a time when you need comfort the most.
I can't stand to look at pregnant woman any more, even my own friends and family that are pregnant. My sister is now pregnant and has close to the same due date that I had with Warren a year ago, and I can't handle it!!! I am not happy for her! I know I need to be but I am so stuck on myself that I can't be happy for her.
I have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, and live my life in a dazz most days. I yell at my daughter for some of the stupidest things, even though I know that she is just being a kid. My house is ALWAYS a mess. I am not a good cook, I don't sew, I don't garden, I don't scrapbook, I can't think of anything that I do do that contributes to my family or even that I contribute to life in general. I just take up the air that could be used for someone more important. Someone that could do the world a little more good.
How I got to this point I will never know, all I know is that I need to get out of it. I am not as bad as I was when I lost Warren, because at that point in my life I had thougthts of not only harming myself but my daughter. I was doing crazy things like; I accidentally cut a lady off in traffic. I felt bad, but she didn't want me to forget what I did to her. She was honking her horn at me and following me for a good 5 minutes (I know she was following me because at one point she ended up turning around and going back the direction we came from) So I started following her at this point. We were speeding in and out of traffice during rush hour but I wasn't going to give up. I even thought "I wish she would pull over so we can fight. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot her and then myself" I must've followed her for a good 20 minutes and then finally decided to give up and let her be. When I got to the place I was going to I all of a sudden remembered; I had my at the time 10 month old daughter in the car with me threw all this. That really hit me how stupid I was.
I went to counseling and the counselor told me that I was bi-polar, and manick depressive. I believed him but everyone I told that didn't they told me that pysciatrists just try to find anything and everything wrong with a person, and that it isn't true. So I got off the anti-depressants and stopped going to the counselor because I felt like I was being judged for wasting my time on such details. I wasn't even getting support from my own husband for getting help, he was actually helping to convince me to stop going.
Most people would look at my life and say that I have a good life, but not me. I fing fault with everything and everyone. I hate my inlaws, I hate pregnant woman, I hate happy people, I hate being married (even though I love my husband), I hate working (but I guess who doesn't), I can't do anything that I use to consider fun (I haven't done the things I consider fun in YEARS).
Thanks for listening to me complain
Suecase82

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Hi Suecase and welcome to our board! Here you will find a bunch of someones who care! I hope you will stay with us and let us try and support you/help you through this rough time.
Hello Suecase ~
I am very sorry to hear about you losing your baby Warren. I can~t imagine the grief you are going through.
The first things I would suggest would be going to therapy and to get back on the medication. The therapy ~ although difficult I know ~ will really help you. And sometimes medication is a Godsend...especially with bipolar depression you need meds to cope. Please do this, if not for you, for your daughter. She needs you.
I am glad you found this board...there are supportive people here...Lori gives a lot of good advice.
I hope you post again.
Love and HUGS
Faith
~~~~~~~
Dear who ever cares,
I realize that this is a LONG LONG message but I started talking and I couldn't stop...
I need to know what is holding me back. I have been battling depression for years. It started when I was in Elementary. I always think; "If only I could have... I would be happy" I seem to get the things I want but it never seems to be enough, I always want more to pull me out of this depression.
To make my depression worse, I lost my second child 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I have had a hard time with this because most people just term it as a miscarriage and that I should move on with my life. But to me it wasn't just a miscarriage, he was a life to me. I even named him Warren after my father-in-law, which made some of my in-laws upset at me. They think that I am making a bigger deal about loosing him than I should. Most miscarriages people don't get to see and hold their baby. I was in labor for two days, my husband wasn't there when I needed to go to the hospital so a complete stranger had to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital she held my hand, and even though I didn't know here I clung to that hand for life because it was the only comfort I had at a time when you need comfort the most.
I can't stand to look at pregnant woman any more, even my own friends and family that are pregnant. My sister is now pregnant and has close to the same due date that I had with Warren a year ago, and I can't handle it!!! I am not happy for her! I know I need to be but I am so stuck on myself that I can't be happy for her.
I have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, and live my life in a dazz most days. I yell at my daughter for some of the stupidest things, even though I know that she is just being a kid. My house is ALWAYS a mess. I am not a good cook, I don't sew, I don't garden, I don't scrapbook, I can't think of anything that I do do that contributes to my family or even that I contribute to life in general. I just take up the air that could be used for someone more important. Someone that could do the world a little more good.
How I got to this point I will never know, all I know is that I need to get out of it. I am not as bad as I was when I lost Warren, because at that point in my life I had thougthts of not only harming myself but my daughter. I was doing crazy things like; I accidentally cut a lady off in traffic. I felt bad, but she didn't want me to forget what I did to her. She was honking her horn at me and following me for a good 5 minutes (I know she was following me because at one point she ended up turning around and going back the direction we came from) So I started following her at this point. We were speeding in and out of traffice during rush hour but I wasn't going to give up. I even thought "I wish she would pull over so we can fight. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot her and then myself" I must've followed her for a good 20 minutes and then finally decided to give up and let her be. When I got to the place I was going to I all of a sudden remembered; I had my at the time 10 month old daughter in the car with me threw all this. That really hit me how stupid I was.
I went to counseling and the counselor told me that I was bi-polar, and manick depressive. I believed him but everyone I told that didn't they told me that pysciatrists just try to find anything and everything wrong with a person, and that it isn't true. So I got off the anti-depressants and stopped going to the counselor because I felt like I was being judged for wasting my time on such details. I wasn't even getting support from my own husband for getting help, he was actually helping to convince me to stop going.
Most people would look at my life and say that I have a good life, but not me. I fing fault with everything and everyone. I hate my inlaws, I hate pregnant woman, I hate happy people, I hate being married (even though I love my husband), I hate working (but I guess who doesn't), I can't do anything that I use to consider fun (I haven't done the things I consider fun in YEARS).
Thanks for listening to me complain
Suecase82
CL-onceachild,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. It means a lot to mean, and I think your right I should go back, but it is just so hard. When I was on anti-depressants I felt good. I really did. I loved my inlaws, I loved life!! I wanted to stay on them forever, but it was quite depressing knowing that my husband didn't want me on them. My husband is VERY VERY good to me, and I often think that he too good for me, and we never fight but this subject actually started our first marriage after 3 years together. So that alone made me think "He must REALLY feel strongly about me not being on anti-depressants if he is arguing with me about it." You also have to know him, he doesn't get mad, I get mad about things, but he doesn't. Another thought that came to my mind was "Well if he doesn't care what happens to me, then why should I?"
I miscarried January 10th 2004. I found out I was pregnant when I some time in November of 2003. I was already reflecting on the thoughts of how a year ago I found out I was pregnant when my sister informs me that she is pregnant, and that is only making it worse. I also sometimes wonder if I lost Warren because I didn't want him, because at first I didn't I got pregnant with him when my daughter was only 4 months old!! He wasn't planned and because of it we didn't have any insurance and I was literally MAD that I was pregnant again so soon. Then my placenta started tearing from my uterus, and the doctors told me that it was a possibility that if it tore all the way and I wasn't able to get to a hospital soon enough I could die. I started hoping for that. I really did. Even when I was on my way to the hospital and was bleeding everywhere, I was thinking "I am going to die." And I wasn't bothered by that idea. Then in the hospital they gave me some drugs that made me feel all light headed like I was going to sleep, and I thought I was dying and was ready to go. But obviously I didn't die, but sometimes I wish I would.
My husband and I are in debt big time and I often think, if I was to die, Myron would get $300,000 from our life insurance and then he would be set (if he invests it the way we have discussed). Or I even think the opposite, if Myron were to die I would be set. I have had thoughts of harming him too, and that he must trust me to lay next to me at night and not worry about me killing him in his sleep. I don't have those thoughts a lot just once in awhile. The thoughts almost come like someone is talking to me, but I am sure that is just me trying to not take credit for my thoughts.
I was forced into going to counseling. I was going to my gynecologist for a follow up visit after my miscarriage and mentioned I wanted some anti-depressants. I told her that I was worried about harming myself or my daugheter. She then wouldn't let me leave the hospital and sent me right to the ER where they had me wait for a counselor to evaluate me to see if I could go home or not. They wouldn't shut the door while I was in the room waiting for the counselor, because they were afraid I was going to hurt my daughter there. The counselor that evaluated me was the one that actually made the appointment for me with another counselor, and I made a agreement that if I could go home that night instead of the hospital I would go get help.
I don't have thoughts of harming my daughter any more, well like I use to. I use to think stuff like putting her on or in our wood stove, letting her fall down our stairs, driving myself and her out in the middle of no wear and just starving to death, purposely getting into car accidents, etc. Then things I wanted to do to myself alone was stick a butcher knife in my stomach and twist it, and one time I even had the knife to my stomach. Oh I remember the day after the ER visit my husband was going to becoming home for lunch and I thought "Don't let Myron go into Taylor's room, you don't want him to see what you did to her." and with that thought came the image of blood all over her room. I almost started to believe that I really did something to her, but was afraid to go and check. So when my husband got home I told him that and told him he should go check to make sure I didn't do anything, because I wasn't really sure at this point. We walked in there together and I could tell he was worried because he even unraped her and woke her up to make sure she was a live. But he told me that he trusted her with me, but I didn't really believe that he did.
Now my thoughts of harming her are a LITTLE more normal. like when I have a really bad day and she is just not behaving (doing normal 18 month old stuff) I really just want to swat her butt hard, and occasionally I think hit her other places, but generally it is her butt. So I have progressed, but still not quite there.
And yes I think about harming myself still but not near as much, I think I just wish for a natural way out more than anything, and from what I understand that is quite normal and not as threatening.
I haven't done anything like that road rage with that woman since that time. I might think irrationally about things and do weird things but nothing like that, so Im not really too worried about me being on the news for some horrific crime.
You mentioned that you were sexually abused as a child, and although I don't know what that is like (especially the taking the guy to court, I bet that was hard); I do know what it is like to be abused. I have been raped a few times, and have never had the courage or guts to do anything about it. You asked what holes I was trying to fill, to be honest I don't know that is the thing. I thought if I got a nice husband I would be happy we would live happily ever after. I have a great husband that would do anything for me, but I am not living happily ever after. Maybe some of the wholes is from me wanting to be with a ex-boyfriend. I know that my husband is a better match for me over all but I lost my ex on such bad turns that I can't seem to let him go. I was raped, and the guy that raped me told my boyfriend that I did it willingly and then told him everything he did to me. Of course my boyfriend didn't want anything to do with me because of that, and I had a hard time with that. My Ex even told me "The Alisha I know is dead". I know those are only words but I think I have taken them a little too literal, because after that I haven't been the same person. My friends have even noticed that. I was always the life of the party back then, everyone wanted to be around me, but now no one wants to be around me.
Yes I do have a friend in real life I talk to in regards to these problems. Sometimes it is hard to open up to her like I am to you guys, because I don't want her to think I am a freak and that she is in danger for being around me, but I might tell her to come to this website and read some of the stuff I have written here. She is a wonderful friend and is always there for me when I need someone. I have some friends but none like her. I don't know what I would do with out her.
Thanks again for your help, it helps me it really does
Suecase82
Thank you unicornsandrain,
I know I need help it is just getting to the point where I want to go not just knowing I need to go. I think it is partly because I feel like a failure. My brother when he found out I was going and getting help and on anti-depressants kept calling me crazy. He would sometimes tell me I was doing the right things but him calling me crazy was him just teasing me, but to me that isn't teasing. That is harsh. My brother is just one of those guys that loves to say hurtful things whether he means them or not, and even though my sister and I tell him that it hurts our feelings, he only does it more.
My husband makes me feel that I am not important enough in his life to go to counseling, I know it isn't that way at all because he wants me to be better, but he thinks there are other ways. I have tried those other ways, and they only bring temporary happiness.
I want to be a writer and I think if I start writing all the emotions and feelings I have inside of me and what has happened to me, it might help me some, but I know that won't even help everything.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write me it means a lot to me,
SueCase82
Edited 11/18/2004 1:03 pm ET ET by suecase82
Hello Suecase82 ~
Sadly depression is still a taboo. Most people I talk to about it have no idea what depression really is, and are therefore unsupportive. I suppose they think it is someone just making a fuss (which it isn~t of course...I still live with my depression). I feel for you, that your brother calls you "crazy"...I have/have had people close to me say the same thing.
Writing out my hurt helps me. I think it~s good that you do it. Keeping a journal of your day to day feelings is also a good idea.
Maybe your husband is in a way blaming himself for your depression? Maybe he feels he can "snap" you out of it? There again, anti~depressants have bad press because most people don~t realise what life savers those tablets can be! I still recommend therapy...what do you reckon?
I~m glad you posted ~
(((((HUGS)))))
Faith
Hi there,
Faith,
Yeah I have been dealing with depression for some time now, and I am not even sure if I understand it the way I should. All I know is that it seems to take control of me some days. Some days I feel like I am on top of it and nothing could get me down and then all of a sudden it has taken me farther down than I have ever thought possible.
Yeah it is nice to know that I am not the only one being called crazy for having to fight with depression. It isn't good that you have to be called that too, but it is nice to know that you know exactly what I am feeling.
Yeah I am not sure why people seem to think that people with depression make it up for attention, because honestly truly this isn't the attention I want; to have my husband worry about the safety of his daughter (although I don't think he feels that way still), where my life seems more enjoyable just staying in bed all day than facing the world, where brothers call you crazy, that even even the best things that happen to me I find something wrong with and focus on that one wrong verses the 100 good, and where I myself question what is real and what isn't real. Yeah it is amazing that more people don't understand that.
By all means I am sure there are those that want attention for it, but I almost thing those people that want attention that bad to pretend to be that depressed need attention. I am not sure how to discribe it any better than, people need to feel loved, and if the only way they know how to feel loved is to be rescued in the darkest time of their lifes. Then by all means let that person feel loved. Cause sometimes love is the only thing that can pull any of us threw life. I know it has pulled me threw many hard times. Yes it can also get us into trouble but no one would be here if it wasn't for love. It just isn't humanly possible to live with out it.
Thats another reason I am loving this board, I am feeling more love and support threw these trials I am going threw than I have from a lot of my family that are suppose to love me. And maybe thats exactly what it is, they are required to love me as it were; and you guys aren't.
You said that you think maybe my husband is blaming himself for my depression and I think you might be right. For one I think it is killing him that he wasn't there for the miscarriage, he was at his parent's house. I called him and told him that things were getting worse and for him to come home, but he couldn't come home because he lent our car to his sister (who I told him never to lend out car to her ever again because she always takes it for far longer than she says she will. I don't trust her with anything of ours especially our car) to go to the store. She didn't get back for several hours. But to show how good of a guy my husband is (even though I may make him look like a bad guy ranting about my concerns) he took the blame for her, he told me that the reason he wasn't there for the miscarriage was because he wanted to watch a movie with his family. He was protecting his sister, because he knows that the last time she borrowed our car and she didn't return when she said she would we almost had a fist fight over the matter.
I try not to make this postings so long, but when my fingers start they can't stop.
Thanks again for your hugs
Suecase
P.S.I love your name, Faith is something I need more in my life right now
I have been thinking long and hard about letting my husband see these posts, and I think I will show him tonight. I have have been kind've putting it off because the past few weeks he has been working 16 hour days and so when he gets home he needs to sleep more than go into my depression too deep. He knows I am having a hard time right now, and told me that if I wanted him to cut back his hours he would in a heart beat. I don't want to do that just yet because we do need the money. I think I have other supports here around me to help me threw this right now; my brother (not the one that calls me crazy), my friend, and then when I need to this message board. Then of course my husband when he is available to talk. I know it seems weird me putting him that far down the list but I don't want to bother him with all the details every single day. Cause I think the more and more I do the more and more he gets depressed himself. He misses Warren too, he wishes he was there when it happened too, he wishes that he could make all the pain go away, and he also thinks that he fails as a husband because I am not happy. I try to let him know it isn't him but other things in my life, but he doesn't see it that way.
Thank you again for helping me threw this difficult time. I honeslty do feel a lot better than I did when I first posted. There is already a light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to go for it. Heck I finally got some REALLY good cleaning done on my house this morning, that makes me feel good. Now I just need to finish the rest.
Thanks and best wishes to you guys
suecase82
Hi Suecase ~
I~m glad you~re feeling love and support from the board. It has always been a good place for me to go.
I really think seeing a psychiatrist about your problems is a good idea. (I am seeking a counsellor myself right now). It~s nothing to feel ashamed about, sometimes we need that kind of help.
You are very welcome for the HUGS ~
Here~s some more.......
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for Suecase
Faith
~~~~~~~
Faith,
Yeah I have been dealing with depression for some time now, and I am not even sure if I understand it the way I should. All I know is that it seems to take control of me some days. Some days I feel like I am on top of it and nothing could get me down and then all of a sudden it has taken me farther down than I have ever thought possible.
Yeah it is nice to know that I am not the only one being called crazy for having to fight with depression. It isn't good that you have to be called that too, but it is nice to know that you know exactly what I am feeling.
Yeah I am not sure why people seem to think that people with depression make it up for attention, because honestly truly this isn't the attention I want; to have my husband worry about the safety of his daughter (although I don't think he feels that way still), where my life seems more enjoyable just staying in bed all day than facing the world, where brothers call you crazy, that even even the best things that happen to me I find something wrong with and focus on that one wrong verses the 100 good, and where I myself question what is real and what isn't real. Yeah it is amazing that more people don't understand that.
By all means I am sure there are those that want attention for it, but I almost thing those people that want attention that bad to pretend to be that depressed need attention. I am not sure how to discribe it any better than, people need to feel loved, and if the only way they know how to feel loved is to be rescued in the darkest time of their lifes. Then by all means let that person feel loved. Cause sometimes love is the only thing that can pull any of us threw life. I know it has pulled me threw many hard times. Yes it can also get us into trouble but no one would be here if it wasn't for love. It just isn't humanly possible to live with out it.
Thats another reason I am loving this board, I am feeling more love and support threw these trials I am going threw than I have from a lot of my family that are suppose to love me. And maybe thats exactly what it is, they are required to love me as it were; and you guys aren't.
You said that you think maybe my husband is blaming himself for my depression and I think you might be right. For one I think it is killing him that he wasn't there for the miscarriage, he was at his parent's house. I called him and told him that things were getting worse and for him to come home, but he couldn't come home because he lent our car to his sister (who I told him never to lend out car to her ever again because she always takes it for far longer than she says she will. I don't trust her with anything of ours especially our car) to go to the store. She didn't get back for several hours. But to show how good of a guy my husband is (even though I may make him look like a bad guy ranting about my concerns) he took the blame for her, he told me that the reason he wasn't there for the miscarriage was because he wanted to watch a movie with his family. He was protecting his sister, because he knows that the last time she borrowed our car and she didn't return when she said she would we almost had a fist fight over the matter.
I try not to make this postings so long, but when my fingers start they can't stop.
Thanks again for your hugs
Suecase
P.S.I love your name, Faith is something I need more in my life right now
~~~~~~~~~~~
Thinking of you...you CAN do it!
HUGS ~ Faith
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