I need help before I loose my mind
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:20pm |
Dear who ever cares,
I realize that this is a LONG LONG message but I started talking and I couldn't stop...
I need to know what is holding me back. I have been battling depression for years. It started when I was in Elementary. I always think; "If only I could have... I would be happy" I seem to get the things I want but it never seems to be enough, I always want more to pull me out of this depression.
To make my depression worse, I lost my second child 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I have had a hard time with this because most people just term it as a miscarriage and that I should move on with my life. But to me it wasn't just a miscarriage, he was a life to me. I even named him Warren after my father-in-law, which made some of my in-laws upset at me. They think that I am making a bigger deal about loosing him than I should. Most miscarriages people don't get to see and hold their baby. I was in labor for two days, my husband wasn't there when I needed to go to the hospital so a complete stranger had to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital she held my hand, and even though I didn't know here I clung to that hand for life because it was the only comfort I had at a time when you need comfort the most.
I can't stand to look at pregnant woman any more, even my own friends and family that are pregnant. My sister is now pregnant and has close to the same due date that I had with Warren a year ago, and I can't handle it!!! I am not happy for her! I know I need to be but I am so stuck on myself that I can't be happy for her.
I have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, and live my life in a dazz most days. I yell at my daughter for some of the stupidest things, even though I know that she is just being a kid. My house is ALWAYS a mess. I am not a good cook, I don't sew, I don't garden, I don't scrapbook, I can't think of anything that I do do that contributes to my family or even that I contribute to life in general. I just take up the air that could be used for someone more important. Someone that could do the world a little more good.
How I got to this point I will never know, all I know is that I need to get out of it. I am not as bad as I was when I lost Warren, because at that point in my life I had thougthts of not only harming myself but my daughter. I was doing crazy things like; I accidentally cut a lady off in traffic. I felt bad, but she didn't want me to forget what I did to her. She was honking her horn at me and following me for a good 5 minutes (I know she was following me because at one point she ended up turning around and going back the direction we came from) So I started following her at this point. We were speeding in and out of traffice during rush hour but I wasn't going to give up. I even thought "I wish she would pull over so we can fight. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot her and then myself" I must've followed her for a good 20 minutes and then finally decided to give up and let her be. When I got to the place I was going to I all of a sudden remembered; I had my at the time 10 month old daughter in the car with me threw all this. That really hit me how stupid I was.
I went to counseling and the counselor told me that I was bi-polar, and manick depressive. I believed him but everyone I told that didn't they told me that pysciatrists just try to find anything and everything wrong with a person, and that it isn't true. So I got off the anti-depressants and stopped going to the counselor because I felt like I was being judged for wasting my time on such details. I wasn't even getting support from my own husband for getting help, he was actually helping to convince me to stop going.
Most people would look at my life and say that I have a good life, but not me. I fing fault with everything and everyone. I hate my inlaws, I hate pregnant woman, I hate happy people, I hate being married (even though I love my husband), I hate working (but I guess who doesn't), I can't do anything that I use to consider fun (I haven't done the things I consider fun in YEARS).
Thanks for listening to me complain
Suecase82

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Faith,
Thanks It means a lot that you have been giving me such encouragement and love threw all this. It is so amazing how sometimes just the right words can make a person change their whole train of thought almost. I will go to counseling if I feel like I am getting any worse, but right now I don't feel that bad, I realize that something could happen, but I am making sure I take the proper percausions that something doesn't happen. Like last night my cousing took my daughter for the night, and it was amazing how much that alone helped me de-stress.
My friend off line that I have mentioned that I trust with everything, has offered to be at a memorial service if I choose to do one for Warren. I don't think I will, but it ment so much to me that she said that she would be willing to do that. She bought two candles that say guardian angel on them, one for her and one for me. And when ever I feel particularly sad or am thinking about Warren a lot we are both to light the candle in memory of him. (she never got to see him in person, but saw a picture I had of him). Then on top of that she bought him a Christmas present, for what would've been his first Christmas. Something that I can look back at over the years and say, this was given to him. I think that will help me realize that there are other people that count him as my son and that he wasn't just a forgotten unloved little baby.
Its the darkest times in our lives that we find who really cares about us. And for that I am greatful for the bad times, because they not only help us appreciate the good times, but they also help us know who we want to spend the good times with. And I would love to spend my good times with you Faith & Lori. Cause you both have given me some good advice that I am going to keep for later times when I need some help.
Loves
Suecase82
Faith,
Thanks It means a lot that you have been giving me such encouragement and love threw all this. It is so amazing how sometimes just the right words can make a person change their whole train of thought almost. I will go to counseling if I feel like I am getting any worse, but right now I don't feel that bad, I realize that something could happen, but I am making sure I take the proper percausions that something doesn't happen. Like last night my cousing took my daughter for the night, and it was amazing how much that alone helped me de-stress.
~~~Hi Suecase ~ You are VERY welcome, I am glad I can be of some help. I~m happy for you that you do have supportive family/people round you...let them take care of you (which helps you to help yourself). You are worthful.
My friend off line that I have mentioned that I trust with everything, has offered to be at a memorial service if I choose to do one for Warren. I don't think I will, but it ment so much to me that she said that she would be willing to do that. She bought two candles that say guardian angel on them, one for her and one for me. And when ever I feel particularly sad or am thinking about Warren a lot we are both to light the candle in memory of him. (she never got to see him in person, but saw a picture I had of him). Then on top of that she bought him a Christmas present, for what would've been his first Christmas. Something that I can look back at over the years and say, this was given to him. I think that will help me realize that there are other people that count him as my son and that he wasn't just a forgotten unloved little baby.
~~~Good friends are so precious...she sounds like a really good friend. I think this is a nice idea. That way Warren will never be forgotten and cherished.
Its the darkest times in our lives that we find who really cares about us. And for that I am greatful for the bad times, because they not only help us appreciate the good times, but they also help us know who we want to spend the good times with. And I would love to spend my good times with you Faith & Lori. Cause you both have given me some good advice that I am going to keep for later times when I need some help.
Loves
Suecase82
~~~Oh how true! I always say when the hard times hit, it~s only then when you know who is really a friend. I~m glad that this board has Lori...I appreciate her kindness in responding to my posts too. I am only too glad I could be of some kind of help, Suecase.
Love and (((HUGS)))
Faith
Hi there,
Hi Sue!
I have not read anyone's replies yet but want to talk to you straight from my heart......
I am sorry you are going through so much inner pain.
I can not count the numbers of miscarriages I had before I was blessed with my children. ((((HUGS))))
I went a long time not being able to look at women pregnant.
Hope you are on a good antidepressant and hope it will help you. When this happened in my life I took no meds but prob should have.
Will you think about trying to do something for YOU? Like a warm bath with bubbles.. Things will get easier, they really will.
Lori,
Thank you for again. It amazes me that people like you will take the time out of your day and help people like me. I know that it feels good to help other people, and sometimes that is how I get myself out of some moods I get myself into. I would like to think that I know exactly what to say but I bet have the time I don't have a clue what to say, but I just want you to know that I think you know the right things to say.
Things haven't gotten worse, but then at the same time I have been more irritable than I normally am. I mean REALLY moody. To the point that anything and everything sets me off for a bad mood. I don't think of it as part of my depression, but then I am sure it is related. So I am going to start going back to counseling at the beginning of the year. I don't want to go right now because I really don't have money to right now with the holiday season and all.
Is it just me being depressed or do you sometimes have a hard time going to family gatherings during the holiday season. Cause seriously the whole day on Thanksgiving I was like when are we going home!! We went to my dad's side of the family Thanksgiving, then my mom's and then we were going to my in-laws who by the way I had a fight with the night before so I refused to go. I went shopping at Walmart instead, which by the way was very depressing in of itself.
Thanks again
Suecase82
Thank you debbbt,
I am so glad you replied, because it helps me put things into perspective. I realize that life is not over, but I sure think it is some days. But knowing that other people have gotten threw things like this and heck other like you have worse things happen and get threw it, and here I am complaining about my little wows when I should be greatful that I have so much.
I am sorry to hear about your looses, I really am. I can't imagine going threw this more than once let alone time after time.
Best of wishes
Suecase82
Catzzy,
Yeah I think counseling is a good thing for me, I really do, but I hate to admit that I need that kind of help. I don't know why but I do. I also think that the reason I am avoiding it is because I don't want to face that pain that counseling sometimes brings. You know looking deep into the reason for the depression. Cause according to my last counselor the reason for my depression is from raped when I was in high school. The counselor wants so many details, and makes me relive the horror, and I know it will help to face it, but I don't want to.
Thats the strange thing about depression, it will trick you into thinking that you don't have it until the next blow hits you. Then you sink farther down still, until you are where I am not knowing how far you are down and not knowing how high you need to climb to get out.
Thanks
Suecase82
Hi there,
Lori,
I let my husband read all the posts on here last night, and even before we were done he was trying to get me to get on anti-depressants this week, to make an appointment with the counselor this week. He thinks that after the holidays is too far away. I agree, but if I do like you say and find things to get me threw then I will be ok. Like right now I am having fun buying things to decorate for the holidays. We have only been married 2 years and have yet to get a lot of decorations. So this is the year. I have already spent more money than I should but I know that it will make me feel good about the holidays so I will go for it.
I am also involved with planning and running three Christmas activities; Family Home and Personal Enrichment Christmas party, a adult ward Christmas party, and possibly my husband's family party here. So I am trying to stay focused on these things, and I am sure that will help me as well.
I know it won't be easy but right now I would much rather spend my anti-depressant and counseling money on decorating! Cause I am finding that I am liking it. I have never done much for decorating at all. All the stuff in our house is mismatced stuff that we got for our wedding, or hand me downs. We have been lucky because most of the furniture in our house has been hand me downs, but then at the same time you can tell that they are! So it is time to personalize it for the holidays.
Thanks,
Suecase82
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