I need help before I loose my mind
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:20pm |
Dear who ever cares,
I realize that this is a LONG LONG message but I started talking and I couldn't stop...
I need to know what is holding me back. I have been battling depression for years. It started when I was in Elementary. I always think; "If only I could have... I would be happy" I seem to get the things I want but it never seems to be enough, I always want more to pull me out of this depression.
To make my depression worse, I lost my second child 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I have had a hard time with this because most people just term it as a miscarriage and that I should move on with my life. But to me it wasn't just a miscarriage, he was a life to me. I even named him Warren after my father-in-law, which made some of my in-laws upset at me. They think that I am making a bigger deal about loosing him than I should. Most miscarriages people don't get to see and hold their baby. I was in labor for two days, my husband wasn't there when I needed to go to the hospital so a complete stranger had to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital she held my hand, and even though I didn't know here I clung to that hand for life because it was the only comfort I had at a time when you need comfort the most.
I can't stand to look at pregnant woman any more, even my own friends and family that are pregnant. My sister is now pregnant and has close to the same due date that I had with Warren a year ago, and I can't handle it!!! I am not happy for her! I know I need to be but I am so stuck on myself that I can't be happy for her.
I have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, and live my life in a dazz most days. I yell at my daughter for some of the stupidest things, even though I know that she is just being a kid. My house is ALWAYS a mess. I am not a good cook, I don't sew, I don't garden, I don't scrapbook, I can't think of anything that I do do that contributes to my family or even that I contribute to life in general. I just take up the air that could be used for someone more important. Someone that could do the world a little more good.
How I got to this point I will never know, all I know is that I need to get out of it. I am not as bad as I was when I lost Warren, because at that point in my life I had thougthts of not only harming myself but my daughter. I was doing crazy things like; I accidentally cut a lady off in traffic. I felt bad, but she didn't want me to forget what I did to her. She was honking her horn at me and following me for a good 5 minutes (I know she was following me because at one point she ended up turning around and going back the direction we came from) So I started following her at this point. We were speeding in and out of traffice during rush hour but I wasn't going to give up. I even thought "I wish she would pull over so we can fight. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot her and then myself" I must've followed her for a good 20 minutes and then finally decided to give up and let her be. When I got to the place I was going to I all of a sudden remembered; I had my at the time 10 month old daughter in the car with me threw all this. That really hit me how stupid I was.
I went to counseling and the counselor told me that I was bi-polar, and manick depressive. I believed him but everyone I told that didn't they told me that pysciatrists just try to find anything and everything wrong with a person, and that it isn't true. So I got off the anti-depressants and stopped going to the counselor because I felt like I was being judged for wasting my time on such details. I wasn't even getting support from my own husband for getting help, he was actually helping to convince me to stop going.
Most people would look at my life and say that I have a good life, but not me. I fing fault with everything and everyone. I hate my inlaws, I hate pregnant woman, I hate happy people, I hate being married (even though I love my husband), I hate working (but I guess who doesn't), I can't do anything that I use to consider fun (I haven't done the things I consider fun in YEARS).
Thanks for listening to me complain
Suecase82

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You know... I think that's the reason why I hesitate to try counselling again...(it's great how you can give advice and never take it huh?) It really hurt to talk about what problems I have and to dig deeper and deeper into misery. But I guess it's just something that you gotta do to get out of the pit? It's horrible what was done to you in high school, and it must be painful to relive the memories again when you've tried so hard to forget it, but if that pain helps you heal just a little bit, then it's going to be alright in the end? I don't know. Maybe come the new year I'll find that counselling place I saw in the paper and actually call for information instead of just putting it off...become pro-active and not procrastinate like I always do.
I dunno. Life can only get better when you're so far down...
Not sure what you mean by hesitating to try counseling again; do you mean go back to counseling others or being counseled yourself. If you are talking about being a counselor, then I think you would be great (It was you that said you had all the education in this field, wasn't it?). But if you were talking about going to counseling yourself, I also agree with that. Cause although you seem like you have it all together and know how to handle depression, it is always easier to know what others need to do than it is to see what you yourself need to do.
That is true about that once you hit bottom there is no where else to go but up. It helps put things into perspective that is for sure.
Hi there,
Lori,
Things were getting better like I told you, they really were, but not they have officially gone bad!!!! My husband had a fire in our house the morning of December 1st. It was bad but not too bad. Our masterbed room was burnt, and my office area. We are now having to live in a apartment for two months until they get our house fixed. The reason it is going to take so long is because they have to redue the whole roof (only part of our roof was ruined, but due to some way the roof was done they are going to have to do it all), and since it is winter it is going to take them awhile to fix it all. Also since my house is 100+ years old, there are quite a few things that aren't up to code and so they are going to have to fix a lot of those things before they can let us move back in.
It was a very stressful day when I had the fire, for obvious reasons. Then the stress of trying to decide what was to be done with our house, because like a scheduled remodel there are a ton of choices for my husband right now with what we are going to do with our house (which you would think would be exciting, but it stressing me out to no end, and I am not doing all the work, my husband is the one doing most of the planning). Then having to pack up our whole house in less than 12 hours was a nightmare!!!! We didn't get it all done before the movers got there so it was a mess because no things that I need here at the apartment went to storage and things that we didn't want here are here. Then obviously the hassel of getting all phone internet tv, gas, utilities taken care of over here really wasn't something I wanted to deal with this time of year. My other frustrations include; unpacking our stuff knowing we will only be here for 2 months (not a lot of motivation for me to unpack in other words), phone problems, internet problems, my daughter is unhappy because she isn't home isn't in her normal routine, my husband can no longer come home for lunch or dinner because we now live too far away from his work for him to do so, even though the fire was over a week ago we still don't have all our clothes towels or bedding for our apartment, I just started a new birth control that is making me feel sick (and even throwing up, but no I am not pregnant), I am far behind on work hours but yet can't seem to work because of problems with my computer connecting to work, ok I guess a lot of these seem really stupid, but that is how depressed I am getting again. Every little thing is setting me out for a bad mood, which takes me a long time to get out of, and by the time I do get out of it there is always something else that sets me off.
An example of something that set me into a bad mood yesterday; we had a wood burning stove in our home, and due to the fact that the chimney and the wood burning stove are not up to code and the contracter cant find a way to make them up to code we have to get rid of the wood burning stove and the insurance will give us a brand new gas stove. This might make some people happy, but not me, it is VERY depressing. I want my wood burning stove, just in case there is no power or gas, I still can heat our house. The gas stoves look really nice, but I don't want to look at them. I just get grouchy thinking about having to pick one out.
I called to make a appointment with my counselor today, but they said that since we don't have any insurance any more that they highly recomended that I wait until I have insurance before I go back. I agree that this is a good idea, but I think I need help now.
Suecase82
It sounds like you have a lot to deal with,,,and it will be hard for you I imagine having to live somewhere else until everything is taken care of. I so hope that it doesn't take too too long and that you will be able to cope with it the best you are able to right now. Again,,,I am so sorry that you have to go through this,,,and especially at this time of year,,,please take care!
Hey there,
Thank you come to nothing. That means a lot to me that you took the time to respond to my post. I say this a million times but it is so true, knowing that people take the time out of their day to write me a message helps me realize that there is hope.
I can't imagine dealing with a fire in your home that was arson related. Did they ever find out who did it? If so were they punished in any way? Why do you think they did it? I am guessing that no one was hurt in the fire, but what about your things? My first wasn't arson, and wasn't from us, but a pure accident. We live in a 100+ year old house and the chimmney got a crack in it some where and let the fire out (I can't remember if I already mentioned that or not) so I think it is a little easier to deal with knowing that we didn't do it and no one did it to us. But of course I will have a different respect for fire from now on.
Yeah it is weird being some where else for the holidays. We were just setting up everything for Christmas, and had to take that stuff down before we moved here. That part is depressing because now I don't feel like putting it up, you know.
Thanks again for your concerns best of luck to you in all that you do
suecase82
Lori,
I agree with you that I need to give my daughter more love and attention than before because she so needs and deserves it. Yet there is a part of me that wants to abandon mother hood all together right now. I am not sure if you have seen the movie, but I watched the Ya-ya sisterhood today, and I forget her name, but the mothers story is being told about how she ran away from her kids because of all her emotional problems. Then she later is beating them with belts. I am not sure all the emotions that she was feeling for sure, or if I was just putting my own into the story but it really felt like it was describing how I feel. I love my daughter but don't want to be a mom to her. I feel like most things involved with taking care of her is a burden; feeding her, cleaning her, dressing her, etc. The part where they tell of how she married her husband because the love of her life died at war, and that you can never have a true love again reminded me of me as well. My true love isn't dead though. He is a live, and lives some where close by to me. I still feel in love with him, and often wonder about leaving my husband for him. I realize that that would be insane, but often thing I married my husband to prove to others and myself that i was over this other guy.
Well back to the fire stuff; no we didn't loose any possessions to speak of, some but not anything of real value. The fire was in the walls and did more damage to them than anything else.
This is making me not look forward to the holiday season even more. If it wasn't for a daughter and a handicap kid we will be having for the weekend I would almost say bag Christmas. Yet I know that if I just get my tree up, I will feel better, but I sure don't right now. And I am not liking going to church things or family things now, because all I hear is "Are you alright?! What damage is done to your house" and it is nice that they are concerned but it gets old. I want someone to talk to about all this, but can't seem to even talk to my best friend about all the emotions I am feeling right now. Partly because I am not sure what I am feeling. At first I was concentrating on the part of remodeling, and getting excited about all the things we could do with our house right now. But the more and more I have to deal with all this crap the more and more I wish I could just get back to normal. Yet that doesn't even seem good enough to me.
I don't drink at all, but the day before the fire occured I was telling her that I was feeling blue and wanted her to come up and visit me and we would get drunk together. I was about to go get some alcohol today and get myself drunk. I guess the kind of drunk I want to get is the hardly can walk or function normal kind of drunk. I know it won't make my problems go away but for one night I want them to be gone.
Yeah I think my counselor should over look the money issue for a little bit, because I the more and more I think about it being on paxil alone is going to do jack for me. Drugs are nice and sometimes people need to take them for the rest of their lives, but some people can find ways to solve their problems and get off the drugs eventually. So in a lot of ways I to wait to take the drugs until I can get the help I need so deperatly now.
It is also hard right now not to leave my husband, because my friend is thinking about leaving her husband right now. And her talking about it is almost giving me courage to do the same. I it would be the biggest mistake of my life if I leave him, but I feel like I need space right now. I am the type of personality that would rather be alone than in a room full of people that love me, and being a mom and a wife I don't get that alone time like I would like. I want to be able to be myself.
Lori I am sorry I always rant and rave about my thougthts and feelings as if I was the only one that has problems. I know I am not, and feel selfish for taking up so much of your time but it is so nice to get some of these crazy emotions out. I would try and get more out right now but my hands are tired right now so I am going to watch a movie and then go to bed.
Loves
Alisha
Hi there Alisha,
Thank you Lori,
I think your right about me wondering about what could've been more than thinking about what good I do have here with me right now. My husband is a amazing man, he really is. I couldn't ask for better but yet I think the fact that some times it isn't always as exciting to be with one man, so I figure "Some one new would be funner1" but they would also get old too.
I don't think my thoughts of not wanting to be a mom are long term. I love her, and love watching her grow up. I just don't like it right now. I am half tempted to let my mom take her for awhile so i can decide for myself that I want her back. Cause I know if I didn't have her around thats exactly what I would be thinking.
Thanks
Alisha
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