I need help before I loose my mind
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:20pm |
Dear who ever cares,
I realize that this is a LONG LONG message but I started talking and I couldn't stop...
I need to know what is holding me back. I have been battling depression for years. It started when I was in Elementary. I always think; "If only I could have... I would be happy" I seem to get the things I want but it never seems to be enough, I always want more to pull me out of this depression.
To make my depression worse, I lost my second child 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I have had a hard time with this because most people just term it as a miscarriage and that I should move on with my life. But to me it wasn't just a miscarriage, he was a life to me. I even named him Warren after my father-in-law, which made some of my in-laws upset at me. They think that I am making a bigger deal about loosing him than I should. Most miscarriages people don't get to see and hold their baby. I was in labor for two days, my husband wasn't there when I needed to go to the hospital so a complete stranger had to drive me to the hospital. At the hospital she held my hand, and even though I didn't know here I clung to that hand for life because it was the only comfort I had at a time when you need comfort the most.
I can't stand to look at pregnant woman any more, even my own friends and family that are pregnant. My sister is now pregnant and has close to the same due date that I had with Warren a year ago, and I can't handle it!!! I am not happy for her! I know I need to be but I am so stuck on myself that I can't be happy for her.
I have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, and live my life in a dazz most days. I yell at my daughter for some of the stupidest things, even though I know that she is just being a kid. My house is ALWAYS a mess. I am not a good cook, I don't sew, I don't garden, I don't scrapbook, I can't think of anything that I do do that contributes to my family or even that I contribute to life in general. I just take up the air that could be used for someone more important. Someone that could do the world a little more good.
How I got to this point I will never know, all I know is that I need to get out of it. I am not as bad as I was when I lost Warren, because at that point in my life I had thougthts of not only harming myself but my daughter. I was doing crazy things like; I accidentally cut a lady off in traffic. I felt bad, but she didn't want me to forget what I did to her. She was honking her horn at me and following me for a good 5 minutes (I know she was following me because at one point she ended up turning around and going back the direction we came from) So I started following her at this point. We were speeding in and out of traffice during rush hour but I wasn't going to give up. I even thought "I wish she would pull over so we can fight. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot her and then myself" I must've followed her for a good 20 minutes and then finally decided to give up and let her be. When I got to the place I was going to I all of a sudden remembered; I had my at the time 10 month old daughter in the car with me threw all this. That really hit me how stupid I was.
I went to counseling and the counselor told me that I was bi-polar, and manick depressive. I believed him but everyone I told that didn't they told me that pysciatrists just try to find anything and everything wrong with a person, and that it isn't true. So I got off the anti-depressants and stopped going to the counselor because I felt like I was being judged for wasting my time on such details. I wasn't even getting support from my own husband for getting help, he was actually helping to convince me to stop going.
Most people would look at my life and say that I have a good life, but not me. I fing fault with everything and everyone. I hate my inlaws, I hate pregnant woman, I hate happy people, I hate being married (even though I love my husband), I hate working (but I guess who doesn't), I can't do anything that I use to consider fun (I haven't done the things I consider fun in YEARS).
Thanks for listening to me complain
Suecase82

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Hi Alisha,
Lori,
Yes my daughter is still young, she is 18 months old. She has a great relationship with my mother. So yeah I might start looking into taking a vacation from her for a little while and see how that goes. I think that alone will help me out a ton.
I am not going to post any more. If I feel I need more help later I will start a new discussion. Thanks again for all your help.
Alisha
Hi Alisha,
Lori,
I am not necessarily doing better, but you didn't affend me in any way. I just feel like right now I am in a state where I keep complaining to you about the same things over and over and over, and half the time I don't think I make any sense.
I am back on my anti-depressants, and I know it takes a while for them to fully take affect. I am going to get back into counseling when I have insurance at the beginning of the year. And the last few days I have actually been playing with my daughter and having fun with her. So I guess things are starting to look up.
Thanks
Alisha
Hi Alisha,
Thank you catzzy,
Your right, I need to dwell on the fact that I am lucky that my family was not injured in that fire. Right after it happened I realized how close I was to getting hurt (the fire could've easily trapped me in my room if I had not noticed it when I did), and it was then that I realized that I was glad to be alive. I have had thoughts of being dead for so long, that it was actually nice to think I was glad to be alive. I had almost forgot that feeling, until now, with all the other hussle and bussle I have been having to go threw now.
Thanks for helping me remember it,
Alisha
Lori,
Thanks for letting me know that I can vent to you any time, that means a lot to me. It really does. I just think that right now I will take a brake from it and try to face my problems here face to face a little more. Which might mean I need to push some of the negative aside for a little bit. I know I am going to have to face it sooner or later, but to survive the holiday season I am going to need to not think about them right now.
Thanks again for all the help you've given me.
Alisha
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