Lousy weekend,,,,trigs
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Lousy weekend,,,,trigs
| Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:40pm |
I had such a lousy weekend ,,,, and it is because of 'him.' Bad fighting both days,,,and nearly all of each day,,,and today was awful. This morning I was praying and crying that I would die,,,or if not me make him die! I took a knife and slid it across my wrist in front of him (didn't cut badly or anything so no big deal) and told him that he had no idea how badly I want to die to escape him. I was careful not to 'really' cut because I didn't want him to start saying anything about my real SI'ing. My little boy was in the other room too so I had to be careful. I can just hate him so much that all I can do is think about how to die to not have to ever see him again. Then later I get upset with myself because I think how selfish I would be to leave my kids (with him.) Thank goodness I see my T in two days. I can't stop SI'ing and she asked me last time what if I cut too deep? My answer was that I am angry that I feel I can't do that because of my family. Sometimes though,,,,well I wonder if it might happen regardless.
Apologies for this post,,,it isn't a nice one,,,,I'm sorry,,,I just really have nowhere else to go to try to let some of this out of me before I feel like I'm just going to crash.
Apologies for this post,,,it isn't a nice one,,,,I'm sorry,,,I just really have nowhere else to go to try to let some of this out of me before I feel like I'm just going to crash.

Sandra.
Hey there,
I~m glad you feel you can come here to vent.
Have you thought of leaving your husband?
Hope you post again, and that you will be feeling better.
HUGS
Faith
~~~~~~~
I had such a lousy weekend ,,,, and it is because of 'him.' Bad fighting both days,,,and nearly all of each day,,,and today was awful. This morning I was praying and crying that I would die,,,or if not me make him die! I took a knife and slid it across my wrist in front of him (didn't cut badly or anything so no big deal) and told him that he had no idea how badly I want to die to escape him. I was careful not to 'really' cut because I didn't want him to start saying anything about my real SI'ing. My little boy was in the other room too so I had to be careful. I can just hate him so much that all I can do is think about how to die to not have to ever see him again. Then later I get upset with myself because I think how selfish I would be to leave my kids (with him.) Thank goodness I see my T in two days. I can't stop SI'ing and she asked me last time what if I cut too deep? My answer was that I am angry that I feel I can't do that because of my family. Sometimes though,,,,well I wonder if it might happen regardless.
Apologies for this post,,,it isn't a nice one,,,,I'm sorry,,,I just really have nowhere else to go to try to let some of this out of me before I feel like I'm just going to crash.
I understand what you are saying about how hurting myself Lori doesn't solve anything, it only adds to my problems. Oh how I realize that,,,but I am just not strong enough to let that go,,,it is mine and as odd as it sounds,,,I feel I am in control when I hurt myself because it is my decision to do so.
Sometimes I just feel I have so much 'stuff' ,,, things with other family members outside of my immediate family that I feel like I'm suffocating with it all. I try not to think about it,,,but I know it is still there,,,and when I am feeling vulnerable it is when it seems everything creeps in during that opportunity and it can just bring me to my knees.
I see my T tomorrow,,,,but yet I can't say everything to her,,,I feel like I need to protect her feelings even though I'm paying her to listen to mine. Go figure.
Thank you though sincerely,,, for being here.
I hope your T appointment goes well.
(((((HUGS)))))
Faith