Lousy weekend,,,,trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Lousy weekend,,,,trigs
5
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:40pm
I had such a lousy weekend ,,,, and it is because of 'him.' Bad fighting both days,,,and nearly all of each day,,,and today was awful. This morning I was praying and crying that I would die,,,or if not me make him die! I took a knife and slid it across my wrist in front of him (didn't cut badly or anything so no big deal) and told him that he had no idea how badly I want to die to escape him. I was careful not to 'really' cut because I didn't want him to start saying anything about my real SI'ing. My little boy was in the other room too so I had to be careful. I can just hate him so much that all I can do is think about how to die to not have to ever see him again. Then later I get upset with myself because I think how selfish I would be to leave my kids (with him.) Thank goodness I see my T in two days. I can't stop SI'ing and she asked me last time what if I cut too deep? My answer was that I am angry that I feel I can't do that because of my family. Sometimes though,,,,well I wonder if it might happen regardless.
Apologies for this post,,,it isn't a nice one,,,,I'm sorry,,,I just really have nowhere else to go to try to let some of this out of me before I feel like I'm just going to crash.
Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 8:25am
(((((HUGS)))) Am sorry to hear you are feeling so down and trapped. I don't know what your circumstances are so don't know if the typical "suggestions" would apply (which I would bet you've already heard anyways). I hope your T session goes well and that you come away feeling better. I can say I understand to a point of where you are coming from with regarding to feeling trapped. I can't say that I hate my dh tho, I just don't know how I feel about him right now, and really mostly he's a really good man (has some flaws that are hurtful to me and to the kids but he's not so flawed that it makes him awful (not sure that made any sense)). Mostly I live for my kids, who it just makes me absolutely sick to think about never seeing them again. Don't mean to make this about me, sorry, just wanted to relate that you aren't totally alone even tho our situations may not be the same. I wish I could suggest something that I have found that helps me thru the really tough times, but don't feel like I've found that. So what help am I? Sorry. Again ((((HUGS)))). Hope today is a better day than yesterday and you find something uplifting.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:13am

Hey there,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:52pm

I~m glad you feel you can come here to vent.

Have you thought of leaving your husband?

Hope you post again, and that you will be feeling better.

HUGS

Faith

~~~~~~~

I had such a lousy weekend ,,,, and it is because of 'him.' Bad fighting both days,,,and nearly all of each day,,,and today was awful. This morning I was praying and crying that I would die,,,or if not me make him die! I took a knife and slid it across my wrist in front of him (didn't cut badly or anything so no big deal) and told him that he had no idea how badly I want to die to escape him. I was careful not to 'really' cut because I didn't want him to start saying anything about my real SI'ing. My little boy was in the other room too so I had to be careful. I can just hate him so much that all I can do is think about how to die to not have to ever see him again. Then later I get upset with myself because I think how selfish I would be to leave my kids (with him.) Thank goodness I see my T in two days. I can't stop SI'ing and she asked me last time what if I cut too deep? My answer was that I am angry that I feel I can't do that because of my family. Sometimes though,,,,well I wonder if it might happen regardless.
Apologies for this post,,,it isn't a nice one,,,,I'm sorry,,,I just really have nowhere else to go to try to let some of this out of me before I feel like I'm just going to crash.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 1:30pm
Hi - Just wanted to thank you guys for responding. I'm not as wiped out as I was yesterday, but he isn't here, and just that in itself helps me for awhile. I don't even know sometimes if it is me or him,,,but I do know that how he acts and the things he says just isn't right. Both of us were already kind of messed up when we met and combining the both of us I think just made it worse. I think such terrible things,,,and am always wondering how I can just make it all go away.
I understand what you are saying about how hurting myself Lori doesn't solve anything, it only adds to my problems. Oh how I realize that,,,but I am just not strong enough to let that go,,,it is mine and as odd as it sounds,,,I feel I am in control when I hurt myself because it is my decision to do so.
Sometimes I just feel I have so much 'stuff' ,,, things with other family members outside of my immediate family that I feel like I'm suffocating with it all. I try not to think about it,,,but I know it is still there,,,and when I am feeling vulnerable it is when it seems everything creeps in during that opportunity and it can just bring me to my knees.
I see my T tomorrow,,,,but yet I can't say everything to her,,,I feel like I need to protect her feelings even though I'm paying her to listen to mine. Go figure.
Thank you though sincerely,,, for being here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 7:43pm

I hope your T appointment goes well.

(((((HUGS)))))

Faith