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| Sun, 11-21-2004 - 11:57pm |
Hm. I don't know if I'm posting in the right board or not. But I guess this is as good a place to rant as any other. I've been reading posts in this board and the depression support group, and I realize that compared to others, I have a pretty good life. I live with my parents...so no bills/rent to worry about. I don't go to school. No stress there. I just work in retail. When I was in grade 12 and 1st year of University I took paxil and switched to celexa. I didn't go back to school for 2nd year uni, and my parents told me that my health care would be cut off(since I wasn't in school), so stopped taking celexa(and seeing my doctor). So...it's been a year or two now since university, and I know that without a good education I won't be able to get a good job. And if I can't get a job....then what will I do? All my friends are in school, so they're studying and I've kinda had a falling out with them. So, no support there. My bf doesn't understand why I can't just be happy. But honestly. Compared to some of the other posts, my so called problems seem so insignificant. But I still want to cry. And die. It's like I can't deal with life's simple problems.
I don't know. But remember in school, they teach you Darwin's Theory-the strong live and the weak die, that is the process of evolution? Well...obviously I don't have what it takes to make it out in the real world. I don't have or want the ability to cope with life and it's many problems. Death would be such an easy solution. And obviously according to Darwin's theory I should die, since I'm weak, and the human race would be better. I don't know......obviously I'm not making any sense to anyone, not even myself. I think all my friends are just tired of me and how I'm always so sad/pessimistic. Even my coworkers avoid talking to me when they can. It's like I want to fail, so that I'd have more reason to kill myself, but I'm too chicken to do anything. I have suicide ideation...read that in another post. I wish so hard that one day I'll get the courage(or whatever) to just do something.....whether it be to stab/jump/shoot myself or start exercising more and seeing my doctor. It's like I've been living in a limbo of sorts for 5 years now, with times when I'm 'okay' to times when I'm just a nutcase. I don't know.....I'm just too lazy to help myself and expect others to do everything for me. I can't even kill myself. I don't know......thanks to who ever reads this. I'm sure it was very stupid waste of time. I just don't know......
I don't know. But remember in school, they teach you Darwin's Theory-the strong live and the weak die, that is the process of evolution? Well...obviously I don't have what it takes to make it out in the real world. I don't have or want the ability to cope with life and it's many problems. Death would be such an easy solution. And obviously according to Darwin's theory I should die, since I'm weak, and the human race would be better. I don't know......obviously I'm not making any sense to anyone, not even myself. I think all my friends are just tired of me and how I'm always so sad/pessimistic. Even my coworkers avoid talking to me when they can. It's like I want to fail, so that I'd have more reason to kill myself, but I'm too chicken to do anything. I have suicide ideation...read that in another post. I wish so hard that one day I'll get the courage(or whatever) to just do something.....whether it be to stab/jump/shoot myself or start exercising more and seeing my doctor. It's like I've been living in a limbo of sorts for 5 years now, with times when I'm 'okay' to times when I'm just a nutcase. I don't know.....I'm just too lazy to help myself and expect others to do everything for me. I can't even kill myself. I don't know......thanks to who ever reads this. I'm sure it was very stupid waste of time. I just don't know......

Hi Catzzy and welcome to the board!! I'm glad you found us and have been reading some posts. I hope you will stick around and let us get to know you better and you will also get to know us!
You aren't "weak," "lazy," "stupid" or any of those other negative words you call yourself and you certainly don't deserve to die!! You are DEPRESSED and that is just as real an illness as cancer because rather than eating away at your body, it eats away at your mind, your self esteem, your energy and your interest in life. It can strike anyone at any age and it CAN be fatal if it gets severe enough and is left untreated. The GOOD news is that it usually DOES respond to treatment with medication and/or therapy!!
You don't mention how old you are but I'm guessing perhaps early 20's? It isn't unusual for people at that age to go through a period of indecisiveness and being unsure of what they want out of life and how to go about getting it. You mention you live at home. Are you comfortable and happy living there? If so, then stay put for a while--nothing wrong with that as long as both you and your parents are okay with it! If not, then perhaps a change in environment would do you good. A small studio or one bedroom apartment might give you a sense of accomplishment and independence and be a real boost to your ego. You say you work in retail. Do you like it? If not, what would you do different if any job opportunity were available to you? What did you major in at university? Look at your interests and talents and aim in that direction with work and/or education. Do you intend to go back to university? Sometimes when we don't finish what we start we are left with the feeling that things are unresolved and that can be difficult for some people. Did you enjoy school? These are all things to consider. You might decide to stick with work for now due to lack of energy for your studies and there is nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's called SELF CARE--to be aware of your needs and work to meet them to the best of your ability.
Hello Catzzy, welcome here ~
Your problems are certainly not insignificant, I am just glad you took the courage to post about how you~re feeling.
Are you saying that you are not taking any meds now? Do your parents know how you~re feeling? It would be a very good idea to talk to them about it. I~m sure they care very much about you.
Just wondering...do you have any interests/hobbies? Is there anything that makes you "tick"?
I hope you post again ~
Sending you (((HUGS)))
Faith
~~~~~~~
Hm. I don't know if I'm posting in the right board or not. But I guess this is as good a place to rant as any other. I've been reading posts in this board and the depression support group, and I realize that compared to others, I have a pretty good life. I live with my parents...so no bills/rent to worry about. I don't go to school. No stress there. I just work in retail. When I was in grade 12 and 1st year of University I took paxil and switched to celexa. I didn't go back to school for 2nd year uni, and my parents told me that my health care would be cut off(since I wasn't in school), so stopped taking celexa(and seeing my doctor). So...it's been a year or two now since university, and I know that without a good education I won't be able to get a good job. And if I can't get a job....then what will I do? All my friends are in school, so they're studying and I've kinda had a falling out with them. So, no support there. My bf doesn't understand why I can't just be happy. But honestly. Compared to some of the other posts, my so called problems seem so insignificant. But I still want to cry. And die. It's like I can't deal with life's simple problems.
I don't know. But remember in school, they teach you Darwin's Theory-the strong live and the weak die, that is the process of evolution? Well...obviously I don't have what it takes to make it out in the real world. I don't have or want the ability to cope with life and it's many problems. Death would be such an easy solution. And obviously according to Darwin's theory I should die, since I'm weak, and the human race would be better. I don't know......obviously I'm not making any sense to anyone, not even myself. I think all my friends are just tired of me and how I'm always so sad/pessimistic. Even my coworkers avoid talking to me when they can. It's like I want to fail, so that I'd have more reason to kill myself, but I'm too chicken to do anything. I have suicide ideation...read that in another post. I wish so hard that one day I'll get the courage(or whatever) to just do something.....whether it be to stab/jump/shoot myself or start exercising more and seeing my doctor. It's like I've been living in a limbo of sorts for 5 years now, with times when I'm 'okay' to times when I'm just a nutcase. I don't know.....I'm just too lazy to help myself and expect others to do everything for me. I can't even kill myself. I don't know......thanks to who ever reads this. I'm sure it was very stupid waste of time. I just don't know......
I've been too lazy to help myself too,,,right now I am seeing another therapist,,,,and I am everyday telling myself not to quit like I have all the others. For me anyway,,,just finding myself a therapist was a huge deal for me as I could honestly tell myself that I 'am' doing something to help myself this time. Just something to consider maybe if you would think that may help you.
Anyway,,,hope you are doing better today,,,,take care please
Thanks for responding. I've read your other responses and they were quite...uplifting I guess. I don't know. Some of my friends think I choose to be sad/depressed. I asked them why would I choose to be unhappy? My bf thinks it's because I'm just so used to it. Even one of my friends whose beent through depression etc thinks that I'm choosing to be depressed.....though I can understand why. It's now like I'm doing anything to not be depressed. I just complain and whine to whoever listens. I am comfortable living at home for now becaues I'm terrified of the "real world" out there. Cooking, laundry, paying rent...all things I don't have to worry about. And the whole education thing.....I keep putting it off. It's always next semester. Next year. Next semester. I'm afraid I'll never go back. I don't know what to take. I don't even know what my interests are anymore. It's like the things that I used to like just don't make me as happy as they used to.
I know that if I go back to school I'll be covered under my dad again. But...that would require going back to school? I think school was one of the triggers of my depression. I'm unsure of the premium for insurance at my job. And I've never heard of low cost mental health clinics, I should look into that. I don't know. I still find it strange how people who've lived more horrific lives than I have been able to move on and live a happy life when I'm stuck in limboland.
Thanks for reading my lil rant. No. I'm not taking any anti-depressants. I just stopped taking them when I thought that my insurance would be cut off. I've been drug free for years now. I don't think talking to my parents would be a good idea. I think I know what they would say. "Why would you be so unhappy? YOu have food and a roof over your head and everything else that you could want. When I was in China I had to take care of all your uncles and aunts and cook and clean.....you're ungrateful.......blah" And I'm serious......they probably would yell that at me, in chinese though.
Nothing really makes me tick anymore. Life is just a dud now.
You mentioned you wish you could see a therapist but are kind of reluctant because of "all that pain." I just want to remind you that you are in pain NOW and so actually facing and dealing with it can only help you feel better in the long run. What do you have to lose by making a few phone calls? Try looking under "clinics" in your phone book or "Marriage and Family Therapists" or even "Social Service Organizations" and just call around and ask if they offer a sliding scale fee. Explain your situation a bit and see if they can help.
I don't know Lori......you always sound so chipper and stuff when you respond to posts. If you didn't tell us about your troubled past......never would have guessed it.
But yea.....I'm looking into mental health clinics in my area. Trying to get information about health care and stuff. I'm thinking of switching jobs(benefits would be nice) but...yea......haven't done anything yet. But I might someday.
READ WITH CAUTION...PARTS OF THIS RESPONSE MAY TRIGGER BECAUSE I'M SHARING SOME PERSONAL STUFF WITH CATZZY!! (And the rest of you too if you care to read it--lol!)