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| Fri, 11-26-2004 - 11:10am |
I am new here; at least, I do not remember if I ever posted on this board and if I have it has been a long time ago.Although my story is long, I will try to keep this as short as possible.Through the years I have seen many psychiatrists,counselors and have been on many medications.Right now I am on Wellbutrin XL, Lamictal and Klonping. I was taking Geodone for a while but that gave me really bad side affects.I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and I believe he is going to add Lexapro in addition to my other medications. I also have several physical problems for which I ttake medications.
To introduce myself a little, I am a 54 year old Mother of two: a 29 year step-son who is married and lives with his wife in New jersey,He is ADHD and canot keep a job.My younger son is 21. He, too, suffers from depression, OCD, JRA, and finromyalgia.He isa senior in college, very talented and intelligent and has conquered many difficulties, He is very successful in college and is trying to get into Grad School.
I had seen the same counselor for 6 years and she went far beyond the duty of "just being a counselor." She got another job with our insurance company so we could no longer see her. I still miss her.
In the last three years, I have seen three different counselors.I have just started seeing my third and she seems to be Great.She is very kind and understanding.
However, my depression is getting more severe and there are many days I feel like I cannot go on living.I think I live only for my son.
I do not want to and cannot go into the hospital.First of it would scare and hurt my son and I do not want to do anything which will affect his school performance.I would lose my job and my husband may lose his.My husband is great,but very controlling.
I am also a "cutter" and have been thinking abut "cutting" myself a lot lately..Since my new counselor work for the some organization as my psychiatrist, I fear if I mention these things, she will want my psychiatrist to hospitalize me.Since I have only seen her three times, I am still going through a "trust" phase. I know she knows I am severely depressed,but I am not sure she knows I have suicidal thoughts and that I want to "cut" myself.I try to hide these feelings so I will not lose my job and I do not want my family to know how depressed I really am.I always say I put on my fake "Smiley" face.
The holidays are always hard for me.I have problems with my sister((a long story) and we usually go to her house for Thanksgiving and Chritmas.She has herown problems, but she can be really mean and nasty.We walk on eggshells every time we are around her.My son and husband hate going to her house.
Yesterday(Thanksging I even volunteered to work from 9-5 to avoid going to her house for dinner.After work my husband ,son and I had avery simple , but nice ham dinner at our home.
I also get extremely anxious when I go into large stores and I find that I am getting more and more anxiety attacks, I do not have "fun" anymore and it is a chore to get out of bed in the morning,Sonme days I question if I am going to make it.Like I said I am "hanging in there" for my son' s sake and perhaps ther is some fear too.
I also feel alone and abandoned.My old counselor us to say "Fake it 'til you make." Lately I have been having a hard time "faking"
My old counselor could always talk me out of it when I had suicidal things or wanted to hurt myself.Thanks for listening,careyfeel
To introduce myself a little, I am a 54 year old Mother of two: a 29 year step-son who is married and lives with his wife in New jersey,He is ADHD and canot keep a job.My younger son is 21. He, too, suffers from depression, OCD, JRA, and finromyalgia.He isa senior in college, very talented and intelligent and has conquered many difficulties, He is very successful in college and is trying to get into Grad School.
I had seen the same counselor for 6 years and she went far beyond the duty of "just being a counselor." She got another job with our insurance company so we could no longer see her. I still miss her.
In the last three years, I have seen three different counselors.I have just started seeing my third and she seems to be Great.She is very kind and understanding.
However, my depression is getting more severe and there are many days I feel like I cannot go on living.I think I live only for my son.
I do not want to and cannot go into the hospital.First of it would scare and hurt my son and I do not want to do anything which will affect his school performance.I would lose my job and my husband may lose his.My husband is great,but very controlling.
I am also a "cutter" and have been thinking abut "cutting" myself a lot lately..Since my new counselor work for the some organization as my psychiatrist, I fear if I mention these things, she will want my psychiatrist to hospitalize me.Since I have only seen her three times, I am still going through a "trust" phase. I know she knows I am severely depressed,but I am not sure she knows I have suicidal thoughts and that I want to "cut" myself.I try to hide these feelings so I will not lose my job and I do not want my family to know how depressed I really am.I always say I put on my fake "Smiley" face.
The holidays are always hard for me.I have problems with my sister((a long story) and we usually go to her house for Thanksgiving and Chritmas.She has herown problems, but she can be really mean and nasty.We walk on eggshells every time we are around her.My son and husband hate going to her house.
Yesterday(Thanksging I even volunteered to work from 9-5 to avoid going to her house for dinner.After work my husband ,son and I had avery simple , but nice ham dinner at our home.
I also get extremely anxious when I go into large stores and I find that I am getting more and more anxiety attacks, I do not have "fun" anymore and it is a chore to get out of bed in the morning,Sonme days I question if I am going to make it.Like I said I am "hanging in there" for my son' s sake and perhaps ther is some fear too.
I also feel alone and abandoned.My old counselor us to say "Fake it 'til you make." Lately I have been having a hard time "faking"
My old counselor could always talk me out of it when I had suicidal things or wanted to hurt myself.Thanks for listening,careyfeel

Hi and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us and took the "risk" always involved in "wearing your heart on your sleeve." We are a friendly, caring bunch and we will do our best to support you through the rough times if you decide to stay with the board--and I hope you will!
Welcome to this board, Careyfeel!
Of course the circumstances why you are here are not wonderful, but you are among people who know what you~re going through...
Don~t you feel it might be a good idea to say that you need more help now, to be hospitalized?
You mention that your husband is "great", "but controlling"...does he know how it really is for you? Is he supportive at all?
Sending you BIG (((HUGS)))
Faith
The problem is that I think the only ones who would really care if I killed myself are my son and husband(I do not know how much my husband would care).I know I am fourth or fifth on his list of important people/things)..
I guess I am even more concerned about hhurting myself.I know how easy it is to do when I am very anxious and negative,It takes away the emotional pain.
I think I am a little concerned because I only saw the new therapist three times.She does know a little bit of how I am feeling,but I guess I still have to build up a "trust" with her.She has told me not to make any major decisionsin my state of depression and I am sure I caoulsd call if I wanted to hurt myself.She is very kind and I think she is a little overwhelmed by my history.
I was terribly hurt by my last therapist.He said I was just pessimitic and wwould not call it depression.He talked the whole time and made me feel more guilty,confused and depressed after a session with him.He would give me exercise , but I had trouble doing them.
My other therapists give /gave me something to work on at home,but they are simple easy things and if I do not succeed in completeing them that is OK;we just try again later
My last tehrapist said he could cure me in 10 weeks or so and I was unhappy because I was not getting better soon enough. he did not believe in anti-depressants and was upset that I expressed anger toward my sister.
The holidays are always hard for me.Although I love my sister very much,she usually hurts me at Christmas.She insists we come for dinner and then something painful always happens.My son and husband do not even like to go there.There are a lot of other serious concerning my sister.
My psychiatrist and counselor think she has severe OCD(Hoarding type) and if she is not psychotic,she is very close to it.I never know what to expect from her.She makes promise she does not keep.I do not mind that for me,but hated it and still hate it when she does it to my kids.
However, my relative thnk she is a "Saint and I am a "devil." (although they never really called me a devil).
My relatives do not like my family,except maybe for my son.My sister and family practically hate my husband.
I work part-time in sales for a larger company that I know would let me go if I were hospitalized(we are a small division of a bigger corporation which is often not very fait and nice).Fortunately my manager and co-workers at the store are wonderful.
I amnot sure why my husband think he would be fired, but he does.
Last time when hospitalization was discussed, both my son and husband got very angry, but for different reasons: my husband because of finances and my son because he was very worried and scared..
He has "radar" I think and can know I am upset when he calls me even if I tell him I am not.
If I do get hospitalixzed (I hope not), I want to try to wait it out until after Christmas. In retail this season is the biggest so I am sure I will be replaced,
My son has exams , papers and work to do to get into Grad School.If I went into the hospital he would be so upset that I know he would do badly on all those things.He is at school on scholasrships and lons and if ihe does not maintain a certain GPA each smester he is in danger of losing the scholarship.It wil hurt his chances of getting money for Grad School and he would be ousted from several National Honor Societies he belongs to.
Last year I had a total knee replacenment.,My sister recently hurt the soft tissue in her knee.She wants me to help her clean and carry boxes up and down the basement steps. I almost fell severl times and my knee is hurting almost as badly as it did after surgery.It was doing very well and I had nor pain. My husband has told me I cannotther go there to help her.
I cannot even get my own house clean.With the fatigue and depresseion and there are certain things I cannot do because of my knees like srrubbing the bathtub or floors ,wash windows,etc.It is even hard to vacuum.
I have had several surgeries and not once did my sister come up here to help me.I donot mean to sound bitter,but last Christmas I was so hurt by her and I know that emotionally I cannot be hurt like that again.
Because I am a part-time worker, I actually was dismiised/fired when I had surgery since I would be out for three months.The only reason I was re-hire was because the person who took my place did not do a good job and was fired.Thanks again.Fran
I looked up your profile and we have a lot of similaities(although I have to update my profile).
I, too, suffer from PTSD.Atleast that is what I have been told by two people in the last two months.The first one is my new counselor.The second was a presenter of a Retreat I went to on the weekend of October 8th.People may have told me I suffered from this before, but it just clcked within the last two monts.
Strangely enough the Retreat ws on the 12 Steps and only one other person and I were not alcoholics. However, the 12 steps can be used to increase spirituality.
I think I am a spiritual person , but when I am so depressed it clouds my faith.I am trying to differentiate between spirtuality,faith and religion.Religion has hurt me very much and I have to remember that religion is composed of people who make mistakes.
Amyway the presenter of the Retreat was excellent and I got to talk to her alone.She told me I have PTSD(she is a social worker and therapist).She is also the person who encouraged me to stop seeing my last therapist.
She gave me 12 steps for people who suffer from PTSD.
I graduated from college years ago with a degree in psychology.I did not have the money to go to Grad School so I took a job as a day care center teacher.
Although my depression started in high school, it got worse during college and after I was out of college I had a lot of physical problems which caused my depression to become severe.I lost my job due the physical problems.I was in a out-patient psychiatric day center for 3 montha ,but signed mysel out AMA.
When I started self -abusing I was in High School.I did not know it was a disease and it did not know anyone else did it.I wwas /am very good abouit hideing it. The presenter of the Retreat said you can use the 12 steps to deal with self-abuse issues too.I think self -abuse is like an addiction.Even if you do not do it, the temptation is always thereand you think about when depressed and stressed.
I discovered I was probably sexually molested or abused at a Retreat five years ago.I had some inking something was wrong, but had no memorry of what, who or when. It practically hit me in the head on the Retreat(but that is a long story).
Although I have had at least four people confirm that I was molested /abused. I think I am still in deniual.
I was young and my memories of my childhood are like Swiss Chess .they have are lots of holes in them. I do not know if it was one time or more ;I tend to think there was more
but I am not sure.I have a good friend(a priest) who tells me that the mind can only handle so much and when it handles too musch, it shuts down often causing us to forget certain memories.Thanks again.Fran
Hey Fran,
Hi Fran,