New and Desperate
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| Sun, 11-28-2004 - 10:47pm |
I'm so overwhelmed and lost. I'm tired and I just don't care anymore. Reading all the posts on this board have made so much sense to me and I feel exactly like everyone else here. I cry all day long and all I want is to end the pain, I'm just too afraid to do it. I wish incesently that somehow I'll get in a fatal accident so that I don't have to suffer this anymore. I'm too chicken to do it myself because I don't want to hurt the people I love. I wish I was invisible so that no one would miss me.
I can't wait any longer and realize that I can't help myself anymore. I'm going to find a therapist tomorrow even though I can't afford it. But I don't want to feel like this while I'm waiting for an appointment. I start a new job on Wednesday and I'm so stressed that this is going to affect my performance. I can't talk to my friends about this and I've been seeing a guy for only a couple of months so I can't talk to him about it. But its ruining all my relationships. No one wants to be around me anymore. Why is it that when you see that a friend is struggling everyone runs away. In my mind I'm ready to jump off a bridge and no one is taking me seriously. Is it because I have crappy friends? Or because I don't know how to ask for help? Or because I do a too good of a job pretending I'm happy and cheerful that people don't believe me?

Hi there and welcome to our board! I think you will find it a supportive place to hang out and get to know us!
As you can see from having read some posts, we know depression here because we have lived it! And the fact that we are all still here says something. That is that there IS hope no matter how dark things seem! Depression is an illness--a mood disorder. If you have depression (we can't diagnose here) you have something just as real and legitimate as diabetes or any other illness. It is not a weakness or character flaw and it can happen to anyone at most any age.
I can almost understand where you are coming from. A few years ago I felt similar to the way you are now. I wished that I would get hit by a car/bus or that I would fall down the stairs and break my neck because I was too chicken to actually kill myself. I cried daily wtih no provocation. It's great that you're going to see a therapist. I went to see my doctor and he prescribed something.
Depression is kind of wierd at times. So I find anyways. I tended to push people away. And then I would be alone and comment on how I had no friends.....I was kind of self destructive. I'm not saying that you are.....it's just that you don't know how your friends will react to this and this is one way to figure out who you can really trust/rely on.
There are many crisis lines and hotlines that you can call if you can't get a hold of a therapist if you don't want to talk to friends. Or you could just post on this board like I do?