NEW HERE/WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING?
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NEW HERE/WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING?
| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 8:14pm |
I really don't know where to start, and the thought of "rehashing" my story again makes me more tired than I can bear. I am a 33 year old, depressed,overweight woman who left her abusive husband a year ago. I left the state we were in (military) and came back down south to live with my parents out of desperation. I was depressed before he hit me, and you would not believe me if I told you everything that has happened to me in the past year and a half (his being diagnosed bipolar, his 2 suicide attempts that I saved him from, me looking down the barrel of a gun he had pointed at me, him cheating on me in a physch hospital with another patient that was SUPPOSED to be on suicide watch, I could go on and on).....I have been on different antidepressants, found a shelter that has provided me w/ free therapy for the past few months,etc. Now they are having budget cuts and cannot continue the therapy. I just feel like I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to hear all that generic, try-and-make-you-feel-better crap. Don't tell me it can't be all that bad-yes it can. And don't tell me that a person cannot go through everything I have gone through ALONE or without friends-because I have/am. I have never been so alone LITERALLY even though I have always been a loner to a point. This is a po-dunk tiny little redneck town and I hate every second I am here yet do not have the means to leave. The only thing that makes me get out of bed is not wanting to disappoint my parents. They would never get over it if I ended it all. Butit doesn't seem fair for me to have to continue suffering because of someone else-no matter how much I love them. I wouldn't want them to suffer for me.I know I am rambling. I decided to go back to school at age 33, and that is the only thing I feel I have done right, but I know I will be so ashamed if I do not get fabulous grades (and therefore feel guilty for not doing better even though my parents will probably be satisfied just with a passing grade).I culd go on and on, but I want so bad to have female friends and live a totally different life. It seems like there is a glass wall in front of me where I can see things, but am prevented from reaching them. I know what he did to me made all this much worse, but it has been a year and I feel like I am backpedaling-that things should be better by now. That's what everyone else seems to think. Oh, you have your parents, you're back in school, you're away from the abuse, you're so strong! That's what it looks like from the outside, but I do not feel strong now. The past year has been more of a hell than when I was still with him. Not that I would go back, but it's true. I know I did the right thing, but it sure doesn't make it any easier. I am 33, living with my parents (I am grateful for them, but it makes me look like a LOSER), have no money, injured my back at one of my 2 crappy jobs (because for the first time ever I am unable to get a job in this tiny town-even with 12 years medical experience), so I am broke. I feel like a failure every time my parents write a check for a bill I have. How could I have been so stupid not to see the warning signs sooner? Even if this rambling does nothing for anyone, I am glad I'm letting it all out. I just keep going on and on everyday,no one speaking to me,me not wanting to feel like more of a dork and try to "meet people". I have tried church singles groups (this town is such a joke), a "new to town" meeting (was cancelled becasue they couldn't even get FIVE people), the only guy that I was attracted to in the past year is not interested in me-and he weighs like 250 pounds! It's like I am invisible-no one knows I am here or cares to get to know me. I used to have such a way with men, but that day has come and gone apparently. All these other people say they went through this "and then they magically found the right person and all that changed"---when is it my turn? Haven't I suffered enough? All I do is try,try,try and every door gets slammed in my face. I'm tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of everything. Sorry this is so long, but trust me, this isn't even making a dent in the whole story.i can't imagine what it would be like to have girlfriends to chat with, write letters to, shop with, go out to eat/have coffee with-do girly things! And I don't want any "sympathy friends"--so what to do? :(

Hi and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found your way here--I think you'll find we are a supportive bunch and we can understand at least some of your pain/experiences.
Wow, you ARE seemingly "stuck between a rock and a hard place!" I DO believe you when you say you've done the legwork to find a therapist---I have no reason not to, nothing to indicate otherwise and it's not my place to judge whether the people on this board are doing what they say they are doing, okay? One thing I do want to ask is probably something you aren't yet even aware of but I'd rather it come from me than someone "higher up" at ivillage. Ivillage has what we refer to as TOS--terms of service that all members must abide by. Some of the more important community guidelines/rules are that we respect each person's opinion, no "attacking" others (you've done fine with that) and also no swearing. We can't use symbols in substitution of letters to form swear words and so can I ask that you click on "edit" to the right of that last post and delete the few places you did that and put in other words? Thanks, I appreciate it!!
Hi there!
Just wanted to say hi as I feel we have quite a bit in common - I don't post on this board often (actually I don't think I ever have) but I read it fairly frequently.
Anyhow, I too am unhappy in the town I am in (and that is so, so important to overall happiness - don't let anyone tell you otherwise) and went back to school after many years away. I also have some physical illness stuff that bothers me, although probably doesn't interfere with daily life the way a back injury would.
I can't write much more - way too tired. I really think finding your passion is key. Depression dulls a person's enjoyment of everything, so it is often harder to find a passion when you feel down about life in general. Hope you find yours. Epidemiology? Diseases, right? That DOES sound interesting. Check it out, contact people in the field and ask, ask, ask. There is a student in our class who is always emailing experts in our field and asking them questions that interest her. She has yet to email a professional that hasn't responded in a flash.
Must go to bed. Good night, everyone.
Hi again,
Hi there cariad11 and welcome to the board! I've not seen you around here before but i DO hope you'll stick around and get to know us and let us get to know you!