NEW HERE/WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
NEW HERE/WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING?
7
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 8:14pm
I really don't know where to start, and the thought of "rehashing" my story again makes me more tired than I can bear. I am a 33 year old, depressed,overweight woman who left her abusive husband a year ago. I left the state we were in (military) and came back down south to live with my parents out of desperation. I was depressed before he hit me, and you would not believe me if I told you everything that has happened to me in the past year and a half (his being diagnosed bipolar, his 2 suicide attempts that I saved him from, me looking down the barrel of a gun he had pointed at me, him cheating on me in a physch hospital with another patient that was SUPPOSED to be on suicide watch, I could go on and on).....I have been on different antidepressants, found a shelter that has provided me w/ free therapy for the past few months,etc. Now they are having budget cuts and cannot continue the therapy. I just feel like I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to hear all that generic, try-and-make-you-feel-better crap. Don't tell me it can't be all that bad-yes it can. And don't tell me that a person cannot go through everything I have gone through ALONE or without friends-because I have/am. I have never been so alone LITERALLY even though I have always been a loner to a point. This is a po-dunk tiny little redneck town and I hate every second I am here yet do not have the means to leave. The only thing that makes me get out of bed is not wanting to disappoint my parents. They would never get over it if I ended it all. Butit doesn't seem fair for me to have to continue suffering because of someone else-no matter how much I love them. I wouldn't want them to suffer for me.I know I am rambling. I decided to go back to school at age 33, and that is the only thing I feel I have done right, but I know I will be so ashamed if I do not get fabulous grades (and therefore feel guilty for not doing better even though my parents will probably be satisfied just with a passing grade).I culd go on and on, but I want so bad to have female friends and live a totally different life. It seems like there is a glass wall in front of me where I can see things, but am prevented from reaching them. I know what he did to me made all this much worse, but it has been a year and I feel like I am backpedaling-that things should be better by now. That's what everyone else seems to think. Oh, you have your parents, you're back in school, you're away from the abuse, you're so strong! That's what it looks like from the outside, but I do not feel strong now. The past year has been more of a hell than when I was still with him. Not that I would go back, but it's true. I know I did the right thing, but it sure doesn't make it any easier. I am 33, living with my parents (I am grateful for them, but it makes me look like a LOSER), have no money, injured my back at one of my 2 crappy jobs (because for the first time ever I am unable to get a job in this tiny town-even with 12 years medical experience), so I am broke. I feel like a failure every time my parents write a check for a bill I have. How could I have been so stupid not to see the warning signs sooner? Even if this rambling does nothing for anyone, I am glad I'm letting it all out. I just keep going on and on everyday,no one speaking to me,me not wanting to feel like more of a dork and try to "meet people". I have tried church singles groups (this town is such a joke), a "new to town" meeting (was cancelled becasue they couldn't even get FIVE people), the only guy that I was attracted to in the past year is not interested in me-and he weighs like 250 pounds! It's like I am invisible-no one knows I am here or cares to get to know me. I used to have such a way with men, but that day has come and gone apparently. All these other people say they went through this "and then they magically found the right person and all that changed"---when is it my turn? Haven't I suffered enough? All I do is try,try,try and every door gets slammed in my face. I'm tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of everything. Sorry this is so long, but trust me, this isn't even making a dent in the whole story.i can't imagine what it would be like to have girlfriends to chat with, write letters to, shop with, go out to eat/have coffee with-do girly things! And I don't want any "sympathy friends"--so what to do? :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:22pm

Hi and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found your way here--I think you'll find we are a supportive bunch and we can understand at least some of your pain/experiences.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:44pm
Thanks for responding..I was so looking forward to there being a lot of responses and people to talk to. I wanted to answer a couple of your questions....1)I was eligible for food stamps for 3 months last year...then they said that I could only keep getting them if I was working at least 20 hours a week! Is that a*s-backwards or what? If I was working 20+ hours a week, I wouldn't need them SO much.Only in this state. 2) I have been here for 13 1/2 months now. I could not find a job at all when I first got here, much less one like I was accustomed to before I had to take care of "him". I looked for months, finally got 2 jobs (one retail-paid crappy and hard to stand on my feet, but needed the money), and one at FEDEX (hurt my back in July unloading/loading planes. The orthopedic doc has said I cannot do either one of those jobs again. So I decided I would go back to school to make use of the time, and try not to injure it further by pulling a heavy bookbag. It still hurts a lot, but with no insurance after my "case" is closed with FEDEX this week, what to do? My big $85 a week check isn't cutting it. 3) As I stated in the first email, I HAVE HAD DEPRESSION FOR YEARS. There's no question about that--it just got worse when I got married. The question is why haven't ANY of the antidepressants, modd stabilizers, etc. worked? NONE. For the past year, I have felt like I wanted someone to "acknowledge" everything I went through--almost like I needed someone's approval in order to be able to grieve. I don't want to be like my ex and use something as a crutch or excuse. No one knows or cal really "acknowledge" or understand becasue I was in another state ALONE--nobody knew the daily hell but me. 4) I have spent SO MUCH TIME since I got here scouring this dump of a town to find some resources, and there are none here becasue the town is too small. I know you won't believe me, but it is true. I had to fight for the free counseling the past few months, was only eligible for food stamps for 3 months (because I don't have a small entourage of children nipping at my heels), and to get my meds at the free clinic. It sickens me to think of how many DAYS I have sat at that place ALL DAY into the evening, and then get 5 minutes with the "doc" that volunteered to come. I am grateful for that, but you have no idea what a pain in the a** it has been. So I have done the research, calling, etc. part--the money just isn't in the town's budget. Doctor's leave here becasue their wives cannot stand how there is nothing here, so we have nothing to choose from. I have heard this fromt he doctors themselves and others, because I worked inthe healthcare industry for 12 years. One psych doc also thought the PTSD diagnosis may be accurate. I have researched it and I agree. I have had to work throught that alone,too, like everything else. I just feel that I have had enough time (in society's eyes) to "get over what happened", so even if I don't aggree, I should feel better than I do. Does that make sense? 5) This WAS my "fresh start"...I don't have any money to move...I went back to the capital city all last winter (stayed w/ a cousin) to job hunt,etc. I had plenty of interviews, but always got rejected. One interviewer said that I didn't need to be job hunting-I needed to be healing! I don't even know how we got started talking about my "situation", but that blew it! I guess it was just too soon/fresh. 6)My parents are fine with me here-in fact, my dad has gotten very upset the times that I was job-hunting up there and wanting to move out. He doesn't see why I would want to struggle MORE when I can live for free with them and go to school. I know that makes "logical sense", and I have tried, but I am miserable in this town and have no means to leave. I don't want to disappoint them any more by moving (I would still go to school if I could get all my financial aid stuff finalized--I couldn't pay rent, so how to do that?)..There's just a ton of issues..it's so exhausting to get up every day..I just want to have some interaction with some people! This is a retiree town and if I wasn't in school I would NEVER see anyone under 65! But I don't know how to make friends or take conversations to the "let's be friends" stage without feeling like the bigges NERD on the planet. I was always "Miss Independent"--just like the song. I took care of everything--even when I was married. So this has been HUGE for me to be having to have my folks pay my bills. I just can't stand it. As you can see by the length of this entry, I am desperate for some "connection" with someone...I've never been so alone-even the 10 months of hell when all that stuff happened wasn't like THIS. Anyway, thanks for listening. I need to vent everyday, so beware. I would love to correspond with anyone who would bother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:37am

Wow, you ARE seemingly "stuck between a rock and a hard place!" I DO believe you when you say you've done the legwork to find a therapist---I have no reason not to, nothing to indicate otherwise and it's not my place to judge whether the people on this board are doing what they say they are doing, okay? One thing I do want to ask is probably something you aren't yet even aware of but I'd rather it come from me than someone "higher up" at ivillage. Ivillage has what we refer to as TOS--terms of service that all members must abide by. Some of the more important community guidelines/rules are that we respect each person's opinion, no "attacking" others (you've done fine with that) and also no swearing. We can't use symbols in substitution of letters to form swear words and so can I ask that you click on "edit" to the right of that last post and delete the few places you did that and put in other words? Thanks, I appreciate it!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 11:22pm
Hi again..well I went to therapy today (finally after 3 weeks-she was out of town,etc)...I had so much to get out and there is so much more...sorry about the pseudo-profanity...didn't mean to offend, just wanted to make a point..as for your questions...1)no, I certainly am NOT where I want to be physically (or in any other sense,either)..I feel that I would disappoint my father,esp. if I was to "make it harder on myself" and try to pay rent and go to school/move. He doesn't understand why I couldn't deal with being in this retiree town to live rent free and go to school. I agree with him in theory--that was my plan, but I am miserable (not in their house, in this town)..2) I know I desperately need an outlet...that's what I am hoping to find here on this site...I am so disappointed that there haven't been any more replys since this morning. I want to chat so bad-just connect with someone. 3) I do not want to give the impression that my parents have not tried to "acknowlege" what I went through. They have-well, my mother has. My father thinks that if I "get down" about it, then I am letting him win, so they just want me to "get past it". I just want to make that clear because I am very defensive/protective of them, you know? 4) about school, I am just taking my general stuff that i didn't get 12 years ago-the general stuff I'll need no matter what. I have been in the medical field for 13 years and either want to stay in that, go for something creative (jewelry design, interior design), or epidemiology. Not sure yet. Anyway, I guess I will go for now..haven't had a paiion for anything in so long I don't even know what I like anymore. I have no passion and don't know why I haven't had my "lightbulb moment" yet to clue me into it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:01am

Hi there!

Just wanted to say hi as I feel we have quite a bit in common - I don't post on this board often (actually I don't think I ever have) but I read it fairly frequently.
Anyhow, I too am unhappy in the town I am in (and that is so, so important to overall happiness - don't let anyone tell you otherwise) and went back to school after many years away. I also have some physical illness stuff that bothers me, although probably doesn't interfere with daily life the way a back injury would.
I can't write much more - way too tired. I really think finding your passion is key. Depression dulls a person's enjoyment of everything, so it is often harder to find a passion when you feel down about life in general. Hope you find yours. Epidemiology? Diseases, right? That DOES sound interesting. Check it out, contact people in the field and ask, ask, ask. There is a student in our class who is always emailing experts in our field and asking them questions that interest her. She has yet to email a professional that hasn't responded in a flash.
Must go to bed. Good night, everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:25am

Hi again,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:33am

Hi there cariad11 and welcome to the board! I've not seen you around here before but i DO hope you'll stick around and get to know us and let us get to know you!


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