HELP...I CAn'T GO ON!
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HELP...I CAn'T GO ON!
| Sat, 12-04-2004 - 2:57pm |
I feel like I cannot go on much longer.I HATE THE HOLIDAY SEASON!There is a big conflict with my sister(who has been diagnosed as being close to psychotic by my psychiatrist,but she does not know it). I am the "black sheep" of the family and she is the "saint.'
If we go to her house for Christmas dinner it will be frustrating and stressful and she will be angry (and maybe drunk).If we do not go she will get angry too.
I do not have much money for gifts and I have anxiety attacks in big stores.Although I only work part-time,I cannot stand working in retail this time of a year.By the time Christmas comes I do not want to hear another Christmas carol or say "Happy Holidays" to another person. I do not have the energy to make gifts(which I usually do)
The Christmas season always brings back bad memories for me. I cried hysterically when I was writing Christmas cards the other day and I cry at things that are supposed to be funny.
Thursday I went to see "The Polar Express" to cheer myself up and for 1 1/2 hours I felt good(athough I cried during the movie too). That night at work my drawer was short by $10.It is the seconfd time this week that happened; the first time I was short by $6.I paid the money back.If I didn't I was afraid that I would get"written" up. However, it made me short of money until pay day.
Although I hope (and think ) I will not really commit suicide, I don't care about life anymore.I do't care about what I eat or what I wear and look like. I am mostly on a chocolate diet(I eat chocolate for breakfast and lunch most days;if I eat breakfast or lunch at all.I wish I could just sleep until after the holidays.I am constantly tired and have stomach crmaps and migraines. It is a chore to get dressed in the morning although I promised my therapist I would.
I feel alone and guilty especially about the money shortage in my drawer.Am I that distracted? I have only one "real" friend and she does not live close
I am trying to find a way I can hurt-punish myself-without my husband , son, therapist or psychiatrist knowing.
My psychiatriat put me on Lexapro on Thursday and I pray that it kicks in soon. He also suggested Fish Oil and light therapy. Thanks for listening.Fran
If we go to her house for Christmas dinner it will be frustrating and stressful and she will be angry (and maybe drunk).If we do not go she will get angry too.
I do not have much money for gifts and I have anxiety attacks in big stores.Although I only work part-time,I cannot stand working in retail this time of a year.By the time Christmas comes I do not want to hear another Christmas carol or say "Happy Holidays" to another person. I do not have the energy to make gifts(which I usually do)
The Christmas season always brings back bad memories for me. I cried hysterically when I was writing Christmas cards the other day and I cry at things that are supposed to be funny.
Thursday I went to see "The Polar Express" to cheer myself up and for 1 1/2 hours I felt good(athough I cried during the movie too). That night at work my drawer was short by $10.It is the seconfd time this week that happened; the first time I was short by $6.I paid the money back.If I didn't I was afraid that I would get"written" up. However, it made me short of money until pay day.
Although I hope (and think ) I will not really commit suicide, I don't care about life anymore.I do't care about what I eat or what I wear and look like. I am mostly on a chocolate diet(I eat chocolate for breakfast and lunch most days;if I eat breakfast or lunch at all.I wish I could just sleep until after the holidays.I am constantly tired and have stomach crmaps and migraines. It is a chore to get dressed in the morning although I promised my therapist I would.
I feel alone and guilty especially about the money shortage in my drawer.Am I that distracted? I have only one "real" friend and she does not live close
I am trying to find a way I can hurt-punish myself-without my husband , son, therapist or psychiatrist knowing.
My psychiatriat put me on Lexapro on Thursday and I pray that it kicks in soon. He also suggested Fish Oil and light therapy. Thanks for listening.Fran

Hi Fran,
Hi Fran:
Nice to meet you. This sounds like a very rough time of year for you. I can empathize with your "holiday plans" situation. I always have to see my aprents, who, like you sister, seem to be wonderful people...except for the slight fact the were monsters to me. It's hard, isn't it...seeing things from a different perspective than your family and then wondering...am I crazy, or is it everyone else?
I'm glad your therapist is being proactive with treatment and meds. i was actually going to mention light-therapy, because it does seem that the season is tough on you and wondered if it was a seasonal affective disorder thing maybe (but I'm not doctor).
Please, please let me strongly urge you not to start harming yourself. I am a self-injurer and it is addictive and very hard to stop. Please don't go down that road. You deserve kindness from yourself, not pain.
As to why you are here. Well, it sounds like you love your husband and son deeply, since you are trying to protect them from seeing your pain. You are a child of God. God loves you. God has a purpose for you and your life... it just maybe hard to see right now. I'd encourage you to keep posting, keep talking to everyone that will listen about your feelings.
As for your holiday plans, I'd vote for skipping your sister's thing. You need to take care of you right now.
Be well,
Emily