A student came to me today... (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
A student came to me today... (long)
3
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:23am

... an revealed to me that he tried to kill himself last night. He told me he put a belt around his neck and pulled it so tight that he passed out but for some reason came to when his grandfather began knocking on the bathroom door asking what he was doing; he wasn't quite sure why it didn't work. His girldfriend broke up with him (he showed me the note though it lasted about a week it was a strange mix to begin with) and he was just tired of his grandparents being so strict/nagging, etc. He also told me that his grandmother only cared about the men in her life, not her own children. That she allowed his mother to be abused by men/husband when his mother was young (his mother lost custody of him b/c of drugs). And his grandmother has told him on more than one occassion that she doesn't care if he's around or not. Now I don't know his grandparents so I can't/won't speculate whether any of this is true but I have gotten notes from his grandfather that always made me think they care about him. These kids do have issues with the guardian/parental units at times so I can't jump on the bandwagon just yet.

I'm a sub at school but it's a small school and I started the year as one of the teachers (the teacher was still off island and we were waiting for her arrive). I've been in another 8th grade class room for the last two weeks but I've known since the beginning of the school year that this student simply has wanted someone to talk to. I have always been there for him whenever he wanted to talk and have told all my students that I am willing to talk to them about anything, any time but I am aware of the limits of some things. I was a Big Sister volunteer for five years before my step-daughter came into my life and realized that she needed alot of attention.

So, here I am, for the second time this year (there are only 55 students in 8th grade) that I've had to deal w/ a self-injury situation. The first time it was handled so poorly by one of the student counselors and vice principal that I decided not to report my discussion to admin. It happened after school hours - I wasn't on the clock. He simply needed to tell someone. He's an intelligent boy - smart enough to know that if he had really wanted to kill himself he would have - I told him that. I didn't see any indication on his neck that he had tried to choke himself which was the only other reason I decided not to go to anyone.

He was in my reading class earlier this year when we read "The Outsiders" and I talked my class about suicide (Johnny had talked about it when he was in the hospital in the story) and told them the story of a friend of mine who committed suicide my sophmore year. My student remembered that story. I gave him info to the Fleet & Family Services here on base and told him that, though I'm willing to talk to him anytime he needs to, I'm not a professional and he needs someone more qualified than me. He seemed very open to all that but his grandparents who are seemingly very strict and perhaps overbearing at times and his free time doesn't coincide with the times that the center is open but he's gonna try. I told my daughter (who's also in 8th grade) that I may invite him over to hang out w/ us (she has a friend spending the weekend) so maybe they can play on the PS2 or something.

He's had a hard time making/keeping friends and perhaps he just needs to know someone cares. While talking to him today I asked him what he thought he had to offer the world. He finally came up with he can make people laugh. I told him that suicide is a very selfish way out of this world as well as a cop out and I know that he has something to offer others. I also told him that even though he (as well as a few other boys) can be very obnoxious we (teachers) would be so bored w/out them - that we set aside time in our day to ask them to stop talking, acting up, to do their work, etc., just to make sure we didn't have time left over in class w/ nothing to do!! LOL I don't know if he really believed that but I think the fact that I told him that he mattered to me/us made him feel good, though he questioned it. He said he just didn't understand b/c I didn't know him, how could I care about him? He said that his foster parents (he has had a difficult life) had told him the same thing and he just didn't get it - how could they care about him if they didn't know him? I told him that why he was 13 and I was 40 - I had what he didn't have: life experience. His world is filled with kids who are self-absorbed, have raging hormones, and can be superficial at times. I promised him that things will get better but he needs to just realize that and give it time.

I will continue to make sure he's okay - he just lives around the corner from me. He's a good kid who, yes can be very annoying at times but part of that is that he just wants to someone to listen to him and not be judgemental. It breaks my heart to know that its that simple and no one takes that time. I would be even more upset if something were to happen to him. Since I had a promise to him not to tell anyone this is the forum I needed to get some advice. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 12:40pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:26am

Thank you, Lori for replying.

I need to say that I agree 100% w/ the things that you have said. I am fully aware that I am mandated to report this and I even told him that, but as I said there are specific reasons at this point I didn't. The students are aware that I had to turn in a girl earlier this year because she showed me that she had been cutting herself and then later that day, after sending her to the nurse to have it documented, she purposefully ran out of the classroom (after returning from the nurse) taking a pushpin w/ her and upon arriving back in the class room I figured out what she had done and immediately took her to the VP's office. "Lyle" (not his real name) asked me about that prior to telling me what he had done. Before he disclosed anything to me I asked him all the questions that would have led me to report what he was about to say before I agreed to keep his promise - one of which was "did you tried to hurt yourself?". He told me 'no'. I never thought I would have had to ask if he had tried to kill himself. His demeanor during the day had been like every other day as well. Once I thought I had covered all those bases did I agree to let him tell me so we could talk about it. Afterwards, I did tell him that I really was obligated to tell someone else but have, for the moment agreed to keep it confidential. I have gone to all but one of his teachers today to let them know that he came to me yesterday and that he is having difficulty with some internal issues so that hopefully they will be a bit more understanding w/ him for a while.

I haven't completely ruled out telling anyone. However, when it came to the situation of the girl cutting herself the administrators that I went to were, in my opinion and the opinion of my collegues, completely out of line in their handling of the situation. This wasn't the 1st time this girl ("Kim") had done this and the elementary student counselor I went to just blew it off saying that "Kim" was just playing me. The Vice Prinicipal was the only other admin person available and he, w/out really listening to anything I had to say about the situation gave the parents incomplete and confusing information when they came to pick her up (based on what he wrote later to the teachers), then questioned me about the situation. There was another student involved that day as well adding to the mayhem and I had brought him to the office shortly after I delivered "Kim" and I was never once asked about that situation. Later that evening, on my own time, I looked up info regarding self-injury. The next day I forwarded this infor to top school admin, student counselors and psychologist, along with a note which started off: "I have been aware of students cutting themselves since I arrived on island in Jan and recent events have verifed those rumors...." Never once did I speak of the incident (in any way, shape or form) nor the students involved. I also added that I believed that b/c other students were wanting to talk about some (listed) things that Advisory (a class dedicated to enriching middle school students) would be the appropriate place to do that w/in reason. The next day the VP called me down to his office and read me the riot act (our prinicpal was off-island w/the middle school student counselor and school psychiatrist) and told me that had the prinicipal been there he would have fired me on the spot for what I had done. He also dressed me down for 'informing' the teachers of the incident (which I didn't do) and that simply b/c I hadn't mentioned names they(the teachers) could put 2+2 together. That it was his job to inform them. What I later found out was that he HAD informed them - almost 2 hours b4 my email AND went on to discuss one of the students' parent's marital affairs beginning the statements w/ "as you well know...". None of the other 8th grade teaching team members were aware of the marital issues of any student's parents. When I finally got to talk to the principal, three weeks later, 1st - he hadn't even been informed of the incident and 2nd - never took my note to be anything more than helpful info and said he never would have fired me b/c of it.

So, there I sat yesterday afternoon w/ "Lyle" telling me all this stuff and I now have a burden to bear. I know I can go to the principal and the middle school guidance counselor and discuss this matter with them. I did see "Lyle" in the hallway today and he informed me that he couldn't go talk to the counselors at Fleet and Family Services so I'm going to go over there to find out what they offer - at the very least a hotline. I know they have to have one.

Not to worry, I am aware of the consequenses (sp?) and I do not offer full confidentiality - students are aware of what can happen. I do feel between a rock and a hotspot though. I did tell "Lyle" to come see me today when he gets home and I will talk to him again about breaching our confidentiality. Hopefully I can talk to the principal w/out causing too much of an issue being created "Lyle's" life. I'm open to anything right now.

Thanks again for your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:57am

Wow, you are in a tough spot! I understand a bit more now about why you decided to withhold information "for now" but like you, am still concerned about "Lyle" and I believe something needs to be done so I'm glad you are working on that!


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