Where I'm at (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Where I'm at (long)
5
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:47pm

Hi everyone:

I'm so sorry I've been away for a few months. I had a Statistics course (my first college class in 18 years) and it took up a lot of time. It's over though and I got an A+, so glad that's done.

Also, for those of you who might remeber, I had applied to grad school. I was accepted and start in January.

Other than that... I'm a complete mess for no real reason. My mirgraines have been as bad as ever (which means nearly daily)for a couple of months. Nothing they try works. Now they are trying depakote and it isn't helping. It all feels hopeless

On top of that, my panic is out of control. I am just plain scared... all the time. Mainly, I'm scared I'm going insane and that I'm never going to get any better. I should be happy about grad school, it took me so much work over the last 6 months...with the GRE and the autobiography, the interview, the stats class.... but I did it, and I should be happy. I'm not. I'm just scared I'll never get to make my dream come true. I'm scared I'll be sick and weak forever.

I'm pretty sure I'm awfully chemically imabalanced. I drink too much and also take too much caffiene. I think my Rememeron (anti-depressant) and Klonipin aren't working. I can't talk to my med doctor...he intimidates me..so I don't know what to do. I'm also terrified of him trying new meds...I get migraines from almost every med I try. I just want to sleep away my life. I feel so black and so hopeless. The funny thing is... nothing is wrong in my life. Objectively, life is good. But it feels horrible. I feel the same way I did after my last miscarriage, bleak and hopeless and hardly able to speak about the pain. But this time, I have no reason for it.

Thanksgiving with my parents was a mess. I completely blew up at them, over something just slightly demeaning they said to me. I'm like a powder keg. I don't know how much longer I can keep the rage of what they did to me, locked inside. But where do I go with it?

I still have childhood memories coming back, and am trying to deal with that in therapy.
I guess I just feel so lost. I can't find me. I can't get back to the me I know. I hate this. So I came here, so I wouldn't feel so lost. I keep thinking I need to be put away, I feel so crazy...but then I'd just be even more scared.

So, if anyone wants to give me some feddback, I'd sure appreciate it. The tunnel is very dark right now and I'm having trouble finding my way.

Hugs,
Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:50pm

Emilyyyyy, welcome back!! I've sure missed you and have often wondered if you were doing okay but I did not dare intrude via email.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:32am

Dear Lori:

It's funny... I've thought of emailing you, too... but didn't want to intrude. You, dear girl, have my permission to email me any time. How has life been treating you? I hope things have been good... you deserve so much.

Thanks for your congratulations, it means so much to me. As for school... I've registered to take just two classes to start. I didn't think I could handle Stats, but I did, so I'm thinking I'll try to take it one day at a time, and if it gets to be more than I can handle, I'll stop for a little. The program allows you ten years for completion of 60 credits... although I'd be ancient by that time, LOL. Plus, I really do need to contribute to the household income at some point.

About my med doctor and the questions you asked... I am intimidated by most men. My husband and my therapist (who I've been seeing for 17 years) are a few of the only ones who don't. Oh, and I got this great advisor for my grad studies... he was the one who interviewed me, and he was soooo super nice and complimentary to me. I have actually had a very bad record with shrinks; I've been through 5 of them. Sadly, when I was little, my father was forced to see a shrink for abusing me, and the shrink said he was fine to remain in our home... so I sort of blame him for not helping. I've also had others say really mean things to me and about me. This one I see now is just intimidating as heck, but he's not a bad person and I do believe he is very experienced and knowledgeable. He has this whole Freudian thing going... where...say I forget my wedding ring because I was cleaning before I went...then he'll interrogate me about my marriage and read things into my lack of a wedding ring. Do I trust him? I have no real reason not to, I just feel mainly uncomfortable, and terrified of trying new meds.

I was thinking of asking my therapist to call him and consult about what's going on with me. Does that seem chicken or stupid? Do you think my therapist would mind? Because, I don't think I could write to my med doctor. When I write, I let it all spill out and I'm afraid of him "seeing" me/us.

As for how we all are. Other than the panic, depression, etc., some inside are really making huge progress. I think we've finally conquered our ugly/fat negative self-talk. Some are starting to recognize their beauty and their value, which is soooo good, and helpful to us as a whole. The children are struggling with seeing our parents so much over the holidays. The anger thing is definite progress, but now I don't know where to go with it, and unfortunately it just seeps out over little things. Neither my T, nor I have come up with a good way to get that out of me, and it truly is poisoning me. He thinks I have to confront them...even if it's just in writing. I think that would leave me feeling even worse, because I know what their response will be... anger and denial. Plus, I worry for my son... they are his only grandparents and I wouldn't want him to lose their presence. They are actually pretty good grandparents.

Well, I've gone on long enough. Please let me know about you, I'm anxious to hear how you are. It was a wonderful feeling to read your response. You are such a special, forthright and gifted person!

Hugs,
Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:36am

Dear Emily,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 6:17pm

Dear Lori:

First thank you for all your wonderful compliments. Special thanks for the one about my beauftiful soul... you touch my heart more than slight words can express.

I'm glad your're having some time with Sandy, but I bet you miss your Mom and family. I'm so sorry about Sandy's abuse issues. I didn't know that about her. I will pray for her and hopes she comes out the other side, a victor, instead of the victime the abuse made her.

You've been through your own, it must be heart-rendering to watch someone your love fight through their own. I also want to just encourage you (and I know you know this) but you have to take care of you through all this... which is really hard when one partner's an abuse-survivor. I also know first-hand, the strain that puts on a relationship, so I am so incredibly supportive of you guys going into couples therapy. Sometimes all the energy of a relationship goes to the one suffering the most... if that goes on for a long time, it can sap the strength out of things. So, I hope the therapy is helpful and supportive and everything you need it to be.

I have another caution for you, ditch it if it doesn't apply. My husband has always really been lousy at helping me with emotional stuff. 15 years ago, I thought, oh...if he can't be in it with me, this will never work. Instead, I accepted his limits and kept tight hold of my own therapist and it has worked out well. So, the realationship is slightly imperfect...it's still one of the best marriages I know. What that all means, is that honey...you can't be friend, lover, co-parent, confessor and therapist... (or maybe YOU can...you are incredibly perfect IMHO) and not borrow trouble. You can be you, and you have to get as much as you give, not all at the same time, but in the long run. Feel free to be imperfect, resist the urge to completely save her. And it seems like your doing that by seeking therapy. Geez, I hope none of this offends you, I just need you to know (not just to know...which I know you already do...but really believe) you have to take care of you in all this.

I wish you the best of luck with a job search. You are so perfect in this field, I think someone will recognize that and want you...one of your many gifts is true empathy with others...I hope you get to do that...you have such wisdom and generosity. Sorry about the money. But you have gifts from your heart and they are way better than anything money could buy... so God gave you something much better than money... a loving and genrous spirit... that's worth more than gold!

Lastly, I did talk to my T about talking to my shrink. He said he'll do it, but he added at the end (even after assuring me it was fine) that it's not his favorite thing to do. I feel kinda bad about that, because he is so good to me. But, I need him and it's sorta his job...so, I feel bad, but I'll take it anyway .

I see the shrink on Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that goes. In the meantime, I'm just trying to chug through this. It's awful, I never thought the depression would get this deep again, while I was on meds, but I'm trying to have hope.

Hope you had a great day! Can't say enough how much I've missed you.
((((Lori)))))
Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 1:27pm

Emily, I'm so sorry its taken me so long to answer your post. Honey, don't give up, whatever you do! Okay? You've been in the light before and you'll get there again. I was in a HORRIBLY scary dark place, much like yours is now...when I first came here and you told me the same thing...to hang in there and it would get better...it has...I too thought I should be locked up somewhere and never let out, and I was also terrified that I would be a sick, crazy person the rest of my life. But I'm not...I'm FINDING the real me again...its hard, I'll give you that...I finally got off almost all those meds...they were making me worse than I was...worse than I had to be...I'm only on Cymbalta, and Topamax and Ativan for anxiety and panic. But that's it...compared to the whole list of strong neuroleptics and antipsychotics they had me on, that's nothing! And I feel so much better. I still have episodes...but I'm handling them...

You aren't alone...I'm sending you the light from my tunnel to yours...use it and fight your way back...if you want, you can email me...its kelisthabomb1@aol.com

HUGS,

Keli