Alone an Afriad!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Alone an Afriad!
4
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:24pm
I am really afaid that I am going to hurt myself.I do not think I would commit suicide ,but I am not sure(I live only for my son's sake). I think about things like walking in front of a car and let it hit me.I am so easily distracted and anxious. When I do tings I get so anxious that I have to stop doing them. I get frustrated when I cannot do the things I would like to do.
I have not been sleeping well at night,but fall asleep during the day.There are days I sleep because I am afraid I will hurt myself.I was very upset yesterday when I found my T,could not give me an appointment on Dec.20th at night.It was the receptionist who told me that, but my T is going to look in to what she can do.
To get to my T' appointment during the day is very complicated because I do not drive and my husband is not very happy(since I made an apointment for noon on December 17th.).
I promised my T' that I would get rid of all my box cutters so the temptation to hurt myself would not tbe there(ther are other ways I can hurt myself)
I feel like I have to "punish" mysef and I am thinking about ways to do it without mys husband ,son or T knowing about it..
What really scares me is that my husband will be away overnight next Monday and I am afraid what I might do when he is not here.
My T told me to call her on Monday night and suggested things I could do "to keep busy."I am not sure I would call her or anyone else if I hurt myself because I cannot go into the hospital.I wish I could just sleep through the holidays. I pray I can just make through the holidays, Thanks .Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:06pm

Hi Fran.
I know where you are comming from I live for my children and when I have the urge to hurt myself I think of my kids and if it is really bad I just hold them in my arms and give them all my love.
If I could suggest that when you get the feelings of self injury maybe you could do the same thing I do, and sometimes I picture my kids without me in their lives and I know how that would destroy their lives. You are your sons one and only momma and no matter what you do he will think it's his fault and always blame himself, and lets say you dont commit suicide, the cutting is bad b/c I am recovering self injurer and my daughter saw my arms, and legs and she asked what happened and I dont think she should know that is what I use to do. So I guess what I am saying is that if your DS asks you what happened what are you going to say or do? You are all your DS has yes he has his daddy but there is no greater love then a mothers love and no one can replace that.

hugs to you and I hope this has helped a bit. Stay safe

Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:14am

Hey Fran,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:10pm

Dear Fran:

I am sorry you are having these urges. I self-injure so I know what that feels like. Lori once suggested to me putting ice on my wrists...it really did help, something about it satisfied the urges.

But, I have a question? Why do you think you need to be punished? That's the key for me, getting to why I have the urge, and how to defeat that thinking.

Many times I realize, I don't deserve to be punished, that it is someone else's programming, in my head, making me feel like someone who needs to be punished.

I hope soon you can come to the realization that you don't need to be punsihed at all, you need to be loved and treated well. I hope you can do that for yourself. Please try to stay safe, try to follow your T's suggestions. I know sometimes the stuff my T suggests seems silly. But then I try it and surprise surprise, it actually works. I just have to "make" myself do it.

Be well,
Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:40pm
Hello Fran ~ I hope you are feeling even a little bit better today. I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I wanted to say that I understand about some of what you wrote about. I'm another on the list of the SI'ers here and I truly understand the urge that comes with it. I went and did it today and yet I really had no reason to 'punish' myself as you put it. But even though Fran,,,,we shouldn't need to punish ourselves,,,especially like that do you think? Sometimes I think why make myself feel worse than I already do?,,,it doesn't make sense to me if I really think hard about it.
I truly hope your T will have talked with you and that she can give you some comfort and security so you will not want to SI. I'm not sure this is making much sense,,,but I do hope at least you will know that I care and hope that you will be okay,,,gentle hugs to you.