So lost and tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
So lost and tired
3
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 7:08am

Hi,

For 33 years I've been battling depression and I'm just sick of it more and more each year.

I did the therapy
I did the meds
I did the hospitalization
I did the 'talk to friends, parents, husband'

Nothing works.

For a while I was getting better then everything came crashing down bit by bit over the years and now I feel constantly anxious, depression, desperate, and hopeless.

It's like every little thing and big thing bugs me to the point where all I want to do is sleep because that is the only time I get a break and don't have to think about things.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I need anymore. I'm so lost in life and I don't know how to fix it.

I can't stand my job. I work for a major credit card company and I work with NOTHING BUT complete idiots that stress me out on a daily basis. While the company gives great benefits, I just can't take it. I drive super far to get there, my manager is basically a d**k with hi racist, hypocritical Christian views, inappropriate comments that only he thinks is funny (and forget about HR---NO ONE gets fired there). My husband wants me to stay despite how miserable I am because I get a month off. Big deal. The job is killing me but he wants me to stay all for a stupid vacation. Who cares??? I only took this job because I lost my job and was out of work for 9 months and under constant stress of losing the house, etc. It was the worse experience of my life because even during it, I dealt with incompetent headhunters that even asked me, 'do you want to be placed at company x?' when I just CAME FROM that company. I never got the change to just take a mental break--it was go, go, go and constant panic if I had a place to live.

My marriage utterly confuses me at times. It seems the only way I can 'deal' is by being alone because then it's not about compromise, stress, someone else influencing your life. There are times where I get into panic attacks because my mind just focuses on the bad things and how it will influence our future and then I just get into this racing 'I got to leave, I got to leave'. Not saying there is any abuse but it's one of those things where, say he spends money and then that triggers me into thinking, "oh my god, we have no retirement, what will happen to us?" and I can't get it out of my head.

My lack of friends bugs me but it's by my own doing because I just can't initiate calling to keep in touch, it feels that the only thing I talk about is the negative side of my life, and I can't stop thinking about my best friend who won't even pick up the phone when I call for 3 years and I DON'T KNOW WHY. She won't tell me why she's mad or doesn't want to know me anymore. I think it's either because of my husband and/or me---she suffers from depression/bi-polar and I think she just can't handle someone like me who can't get rid of my 'baggage' in life and she needs to surround herself by positivity. And well, it kills me inside. I always thought we would be best friends and she was the ONLY person I would stay in touch with and make that effort and now it seems like I'm being punished or shunned for being me---a depressed, screwed up person.

My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and our relationship is strained to the point where she got mad at me because I wouldn't 'play doctor' and give her advice (all because I used to work in pharmaceuticals and she thinks I'm a doctor--I wasn't, I was a copywriter). So I have my mom getting treatment and I haven't talked with her for 2 weeks and I don't know what she chose (chemo or oral therapy w/ radiation). I feel so much hate from her and unlove that it hurts but at the same time, both my parents are extremely mentally abusive that I just can't be by them, so I'm torn between guilt and duty.

And being a former pharmaceutical copywriter, I also know the inside business of these stupid meds. I was on meds--from Celexia to SERZONE (yea, I could have been one of those patients--the stupid drug made me crash my car because it threw off my perception and balance so much) to Wellbutrin SR. The Wellbutrin worked well, for just a year, then I was totally emotionless and monotone then it hit into high anxiety and constant suicidal thoughts. I stopped taking everything 2 years ago and for the most part, I've been better but now...forget it.

I did the whole therapy thing but it started to go round and round where I felt, 'How long can I just talk about this, even I'm getting annoyed." And then it turned into marriage councelling that went nowhere so I just stopped. If my husband didn't want to see his habits and faults and WORK ON THEM, then what is the point? Just because I have a history of therapy, it doesn't give him the right to focus on me. Everyone can be diagnosed with something if they went to therapy. I'm the only one in the marriage that decided to get help so I have the history. If he went, I bet he would be diagnosed with multiple issues.

So basically, I have so much stress that is a constant storm and I am getting no help because nothing works. I don't even know what I need anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:33am

Hi there and welcome to the board! I think you'll find us a supportive bunch and hope you'll stick around and get to know us a bit!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:09pm

Thank you Lori for listening and offering feedback.

I think part of my 'hopelessness' is the complete frustration that depression does not go away for good. You have no idea how hard it was to write ads for antidepressants when I myself was the patient group I was talking about and the whole line of "take a pill and life is wonderful" was utter bs and I knew it. The pills just made me so monotone it was horrible and then eventually it had the opposite effect on me. The talk therapy was very good (loved my therapist) but you know, how many times can you KEEP talking about the same things? Even I was sick of hearing me. And when it started to become marriage counselling, I was like 'you know, why should I be the one to adjust only because I have documented history of seeing therapist. I will NOT accept blame for 100%. So why go to therapy only to get worked up and see your spouse get completely defensive all of the time and not work on things? Even my therapist stopped calling me after a while of absence because she saw that it was going nowhere. Like many people here, I never had a good chance to grow up properly, experience a decent and 'normal' life, and move on. It was always run, hide, go, go, go ---go find anything that will give you .2% stability (which usually meant relationships) and then keep going because by rushing, I never had a chance to really look at things, stop, take it in, and make GOOD choices. It was relationship hopping (usually bad ones too), job hopping, moving around, etc. Yet never doing anything for me because I wanted to and what was best for me. It was because I had to or felt it was right and rushed--usually regretting it.

I guess I'm rambling.

I think I just want to stop talking about negative things, thinking about them, living them, making bad choices and regretting them, and just stop feeling utterly hopeless. It's one of those feelings like, "wow, just yesterday I was 6 years old and I'm 33 and have done @#! with my life. Will it be the same by the time I'm 60?"

I guess my name says it all....confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:28pm

Hi and thanks for writing more about your situation. It helps to get a better understanding of things sometimes...


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