So worried

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
So worried
2
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 5:58pm
Hi,,,writing again because I am scared again and as always worried. Went 'finally' to see my T yesterday, had an exhausting and emotional-filled two hours with her. Sessions are usually only one hour but she kept me there longer. Lots was said,,,and lots wasn't said,,,but she did mention the hospital which I quickly said 'no' to. She saw one of the places I SI'd before I could hide it and that didn't help matters. Lori,,,after a lot of tears and thinking I agreed to sign a waiver form she gave me that allows her to talk to the other T I see. I see him tomorrow,,,so I am all freaked out about how that will be. I am terrified I opened a door I cannot shut now,,,and that I will regret this more than I can gather the proper words for to use. She suggested a meeting with them both and me but that was too frightening for me ,,, I would feel like I was out-numbered and just couldn't handle that,,,so she is doing it alone. She made me 'some' promises but said there are some she can't keep because of her job,,,and it is 'those' that I am so afraid about. I know I am not being very clear but I can't and just don't want to go into great detail here. She did ask me indirectly about whether I thought about dying, to which I silently nodded. I am just so so afraid I crossed a line where I can't step back from now. Trust is huge to me,,,trust is hard for me,,,and trust is vital for me to be able to get through my days. I want so to trust her and the other T,,,but this 'job ethics thing' is something I can't trust,,,and it is tearing me up inside. Wish me luck for tomorrow please. Thank you,,,,Abby
Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 2:08pm
Abby, I have a sense of where you are coming from and am hoping that I can help you feel a bit more secure. I know it can be scary and intimidating to have others talking about you especially when you don't have any idea of what will be said or what conclusions will be made, but it is even more scary to be there in person. As for the fear of what they will decide, try to keep in mind that they have your health in mind. You are in therapy to hopefully help yourself to feel better right? They are there to try to get you to that point. Unless you give them specific information or give them a very clear idea that you are a danger to yourself or someone else, they won't commit you. Only a few things do that "have" to act on. Coming to the decision to be honest with them and letting them know whether you are a direct harm to yourself or someone else, then they will continue to work with you. If you are really afraid of what you might do to yourself, then maybe hospitalization would be the best route to go. I understand that it maybe near impossible to find a way to go because of other obligations or whatever but if it comes to that, then things will work out and possibly you will find yourself in a better position afterwards. Fear of the unknown can be immobilizing! I understan you are having a major issue with trust and I can appreciate that, really I can. Give them a chance to help you in a united front. Let us know how the appt. goes and how are you are doing.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:17pm

Hey Abby....

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