CHRISTMAS FROM HELL!

Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
CHRISTMAS FROM HELL!
4
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 1:50pm
To say that I had the Christmas from Hell would be an understatement.First of all I am retail and everyone was stressed.We did not get off Christmas Eve until 10PM. I did not even get all my decorations up and I still do not have peoples'presents wrapped.I HATE CHRISTMAS AND JUST DID NOT WANT ANY PART OF IT. During the weeks before Christmas I scratched my arms until I ble and cut myself little. I tried to numb myself through the rest of Christmas so I would not feel anything. There was a family controversary about my sister going with us to see my other son and his wife the day after Christmas. mY SON INVITED HER AND MY YOUNGER SON DID NOT WANT HER TO COME(LONG STORY).I honesly thoughT she would not come, but she did.
She diD nothing but cough in our Car all the wayTHERE ,while we there and coming hoime.
By mONDAY we were all so sick that we could hardly lift our heads from the pillow.I called and told my manafger that I would not be in on Tuesday.I went back to work on Thursday.The only way I could make it is if I took a nap before I worked and dropped into bed when I got home.I worked five days straight.
By the foLlowing Wednesady I was VERY SICK and kneW I had to go to the doctotr that Thursday.I had a sinus infection.
I called my manager to tell her I was not coming to WORK on Thursday because I was sick.She screamed at me and threatened to fire me. She also said some very nasty thinI have worked there part-time and except for planned surgery I have only called out sick three or four days..
I becoame hystrical and suicidal.It was after hour at the psychiatric center where I go and I could not get hold of my counselor.There is an emergency psychiatrist on duty at nigh.The center also has a program which sends a gorup to your house to see if you ned to be hospitalized>I was afraid to call them because I did not want my husband and son to become angry. I do not want to be hospitalized and I KNOW THAT WHEN I AM SUICIDAL I WOULD NEVER CALL THE PSYCHIATRIC CENTER!.
I have calemd down a little and was able to talk to my counselor on Monday.I know that if I get sick again and cnanot go to work, I will become suicidal. I know that if my mannager calls me names again I may commit suicide. Although I am not suicidal right now, I just do not care what happens to me.In fact I can hardly wait for my son to graduate from collegein May because I know it will be easier for me to commit suicide them and not as hard on him .Most people do not know how suicidal I feel anf that I have been hurting myself(my therapist does).I have a verbal contracct with her that I will not cut myself or commit suicid, but I do not know if I can keep it. careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 3:19pm

T R I G G E R - It never becomes any easier on those you would leave behind. I just got a call that my nephew killed himself last night.

I came here to try to understand why a 25 year old would find life so unbearable that he would do this. Are people so fragile that they can't ever even stand to be yelled at?

Now I have to tell my 11 year old that her cousin is gone. It just sucks. Don't do it. Life is full of incredible, wonderful things, people and experiences. You just can't see it through the veil of misery. It's there waiting for you to come enjoy.

BTW, his mother found him. That's oh so nice. They had to sedate her. Think she can ever wipe that out of her mind. His 13 year old little sister is inconsolable. I don't know what is worse about his death; the fact that he was so wrapped up in himself that he could do that to his mother or the fact that he died without: graduating High School, having a girlfriend (let alone a family), never having a job, never driving --nothing.

The only thing people remember of him was that he was a sweet boy. Boyhod has long past. Some of my collegues are his age. Young men serving their country are his age. I think that is what creeps me out the most. When people die that have had lives it is a tragedy. There is no word for this.




Edited 1/15/2005 11:05 am ET ET by catracks
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:43pm

Hi there,


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Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:49pm
Thank you very much for your message of care and concern. I will reply more over the weekend since it is almost midnight and I am very fatigued.Thanks again. careyfeel.Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 11:37pm

Hello Catracks and welcome to the board. I am sorry it is under such tragic circumstances--and sorry I did not see this post sooner in order to respond!


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