I suck at life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
I suck at life
7
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 4:21pm

Hi everyone. Well Ive been a member of ivillage for a long time but havent been on lately as Im super busy these days. I am a full time student and work 22 hrs/wk at a coffee shop on campus. Im engaged to a great guy. We've been together for over 4 1/2 yrs altogether. We plan to get married when I graduate. I have only one or two friends, a few acquantances, and get along pretty good with my coworkers. My family used to be really disfunctional but now that we have left the nest we all get along better. I have a learning disability that was diagnosed but they say its a combination of problems so there is no "name" for my learning disbility. It makes it hard for me to cope as I dont know my exact strengths and weaknesses. I went to 2 colleges b4 now and dropped out of them. Im now in university and in my 3rd year but on academic warning because my grades were really bad. If I dont get a C average this yr then Im kicked out for a yr. I work so hard in school and get crappy grades, am never caught up on the readings or anything. Ive tried lots of resources but I just suck at it. At my job it is so busy and Im exhausted when I finish my shifts, and dont have leadership skills so sometimes I feel like Im bossed around. With friendships, Im really lonely. I dont know how to keep friendships, dont know what is wrong with me. I find that I put a lot of effort into helping someone and thats when they are my best friend. Then when their problems are over and I need their help they dont care about me. From the one good friend I have, we never see each other. Im not close to my family either although we do get along better. I just cant talk to them very much, they arent supportive. My fiance is great, we have our problems, but sometimes he feels like he is my therapist and doesnt want to always feel that way. He also lives long distance so I miss him a lot. I just realize Im not good at anything at life, no matter how hard I try. I mess up and cant stay together like other ppl. I cant even pretend to stay together. Thanks for reading, it helps that I can write this.

By the way some background...I was dx with depression a long time ago and have taken meds. I have also talked to a therapist b4 and in the past tried to CS a couple of times.
I guess what Im looking for is a friend, a real friend. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: idreamy
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 7:44pm

Welcome to our board.... I think it's safe to say you are among friends here--if only in cyberspace--lol!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: idreamy
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 8:16pm
Hi Lori. Thanks for your response. Well Im 24 now and have always felt this way. Every time I felt like things were looking up its just a figment of my imagination or something, especially with friends. About the work/school thing, I know Im taking on enough to keep the average person busy, but I know ppl who have more on their plate and STILL make themselves look nice and go out with their friends, etc. They are doing good in school too! It makes me feel like Im so dumb. My parents do help me to a point financially but just enough to survive. I really want to save, and I pay my own tuition too. If I want I can ask for the $ but after all those years I decided its up to me to pay that.
Meds are ok I guess. Ive tried several therapists, etc..and most of them were not good experiences. I just have a much lower level of trust telling strangers my feelings now because of it.
I think the same way as you about labels..because they can actually become an excuse for someone to not strive for more. However I think that by being aware of that, I will not fall into that trap. In this case the label would help me immensly because I would only use it to build on my strengths and work on my weaknesses.
But anyway enough talking from me, sorry :) Im just kind of different from other ppl I guess. I never did "fit" into any group or club or friendship or anything the way other ppl do. Thank you again for reading, your response made me smile and I appreciate that
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: idreamy
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 10:25am
Glad my words helped a bit. I understand what you said about thinking a specific diagnosis (label) in your case would be helpful so you know what is happening, why and what can be done about it. I also understand about feeling different. Just remember this if you would: "Different" does not mean bad....and it doesn't have to be a negative. You strike me as a smart, insightful woman. I think you're gonna be just fine and we're here to support you along the way! Hugs, Lori
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: idreamy
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 11:22am
Hi Lori. Thanks again. I wish I felt fine, but I dont. When I start to feel fine, then something bad happens, so I never know if things will be fine or not. I also think "different" can be a good thing, but its hard always being different to the point that I never have long lasting friendships or anything. Its like, no one else I know is a truely genuine person. I dont get it, Im like way weird or something.
I know this is discouraged but if anyone wants to chat please email me through my profile or just respond here. Thanks again :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: idreamy
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 5:52pm
Just checked out your profile out of curiosity. Interesting to see you live in Canada. What province? I'm currently visiting my partner in Canada (Ontario). It's a very pretty country and I've met a lot of nice people! Lori
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: idreamy
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 9:49pm
Thank you Lori, I live in Ontario as well. Wow sounds like you are in quite a long distance relationship! I hope someday you two will be closer together :) I know its hard (my fiance & I are an hour & a half apart), and I dont even have it that bad compared to a lot of ppl! Im sure you know about the long-distance relationships board? Oh gee how did I get into this topic :)
Well back to the other stuff I guess..today I didnt leave the house, which isnt good. Tomorrow I have a lot of things to do though so Ill be going out (work, school, appointment, bank) I dont feel so good today. I think its a combo of stress & not eating right. Since Im moving I dont want to buy a lot of food until after the move but that means Im living on the same stuff every day. Not such a good idea. Im getting lower in the depression trap but coming here is great. I have to admit it makes me sad that there arent replies from more than one person (thanks Lori for your replies and support) but its still helping. I dont want to live the rest of my life imagning what death is like in order to get away from my pain. I want to be in the moment in order to be happy instead. So many issues to get through, can I do it? :/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: idreamy
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 10:19pm

Yes, you sure CAN get through this stuff and be happier!! I'm convinced of that!


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