last night i(trigger)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
last night i(trigger)
8
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 7:29am
took most of my sedatives w/ bourbon & all i got was sick...everytime i TRY to make things ok...it blows up in my face...no matter what the professionals tell me(doc)i am not an okay person.i am damage i am garbage i am nothing.i claim responsibility but others did help me get there...i sent messages to 2 people telling them thAT i took the pills now they can have closure...the fact that it didn't work makes me feel like an ass.the fact that neither of those people made any attempt to reach me just hurts.i thought if i were dead i wouldn't know.
strangly no one in my household even knows what i pulled.
i am nothing & i try so hard to be a good girl.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:08am
Anon,Please go to the doc to make sure you ok becuse all the med you took. You do have people who cares about you. Thats why I post to u. I don't know your story. But you calling out for help. I know the feeling that no one cares to well. Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:36pm

Hi Anon...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:24pm
why do people laugh at me & roll their eyes if i make any indication of my desperation & what i've "tried" to do.?
i am pathetic.that's what i'm told.my suicide attempts make people amused as if i'm putting on a big show for their entertainment.
i unplugged the answering machine & curled up in a ball today.no one cared how i am.no one.
we can't help the way we FEEL,can we?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:40pm
i already have an appt w/ my md tomorrow...he's the one who prescribes for me in affiliation w/ my therapist.
the thought of waiting till tomorrow to speak with him is overwhelming so i left a message for him to call today when he gets in...then i called my therapist & left a message w/ her confessing all & asking if it was dumb to call him b/f tomorrow.
what i'm afraid of is them all turning me away.
i actually had a dr. who after the 1st appt told me i was too sick for her(a psychiatrist)& that i should find a clinic.
so i'm scared to tell the truth.
i think i understand why people end up on the streets....sometimes they feel its what they deserve.there's no one else i can ask for help.
i'm scared & i don't want to lose the help i have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 2:55pm
I'm new here, and I have suffered depression now since I was 12 yrs. old. I am now 44 and things have not changd. I got married, to a jerk but I had a doughter who is now 23 and I could not be more proud she has turned out to be a great young woman. I fell that I have failed at every thing I have tried to do. I'm a kind person who would do any thing for my friends, I only have one who would feel the same way. I know right now I have never felt so alone. No my mother is not a great help. She fell apart when my dad left when I was 12, that's what started all this. I have also taken pills enough to put me away but it seems I end up involuntarly throwing up. What I thought was a good friend, we moved in together, I did it mostly for her, I had my own place and could afford it on my own. she could not find a place to afford on her own, she was living with her mother and sister. Things were good for a while. I got sick and had to have surgey cancer in one overie, she was to busy to take me, had to go to a work pary and then go out a drink that night, I have been seeing a married man whom I love very much that alone is dpressing, I never did go to college, got married early and had my baby and husband would'nt let me. I am working for $12.00 not enough to realy live on. I'm scared I will be alone the rest of my life and I'm (don't mean to pat my self on the back) but very pretty, used to model. I am on meds and I always take them however the thought of just going to sleep and not waking up sounds pretty good to me, I try to fight it but like I said this has been going on since I was 12. My ex fiance' was emotioanly abusive as well, I fell like I contribute nothing to this life and the finacal problems are becomming over whelming. Except for the one friend, no one wants to here about your feelings, the roommate just said She could'nt handle it , no comfort no synpathy no being there for me at all tho I have always been there for her, she has also had some problems. I have learned to pretend to be happy and wait till I'm alone to cry. I don't know how much more I can go on living like this. Thanks for listing, I know it was long.
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 3:20pm
hey wow...are we related?my married man **** on me big...he's back doing it again & took my only friend thru lies & more lies & i'm always the bad person even tho i shouldve gotten over him telling me i was his true love & then ruining his life cause she found out.
i have a husband i never loved.everyone thinks he is a saint but what he is is a control freAK.i'm not permitted to have my own car keys at 43 i'm told i'll buy my birthday present & say its from you....it's not just that.he says no one will ever love me but him.i want to sleep just sleep but all this sleeping proves i'm an unfit mother.MY mother is no help tho she has been in my shoes.no one wants to know me anymore cept my husband who would prefer to keep me functionally ill.
dr. just called...i told him...he's gonna change my meds...he promised not to send me away.i'll see him tomorrow.
why does nobody love me?i'd go out of my way for anyone..except maybe my h...that's why i'm being punished.
i too have suffered since 12.
at 12 &even at 20 there's a thread of hope...at 43 it seems as tho i've done all i can.i want to sleep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 6:56pm

Hi Kat and welcome to the board--although as with everyone, I wish it were under better circumstances! I hope you will decide to stick around and get to know us better and also let us get to know you!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:31pm
Thanks to you both for responding. I have breif periods of happiness, but I know the down fall is comming. I have been on different meds and quit frankly my Dr. is worried, I see him once a week he is really a wounderful and caring man. I'm a fighter and have been fighting for years, beleife it or not the only two things that keep me from just saying screwing it is my daughter, even tho she is 23 and living in a different state I know she loves me and the other is my cat, I don't anyone would find me for days and no one to take care of him and I don't want him droped off some where, I would want my daughter to have him. My roommate and ex friend altho I have no idea why we never even had a fight just ignore me, does'nt come home until I'm in bed then leaves before I'm our of my room. when she does come in she does'nt speak I know this is her problem and not mine but her behavier has caused suched pain. I have tried to talk to her but she has no heart. I know there are people who care about me but they all live far away from me and really don't want to here all the bad when they call..... So the happy face and laughter in the voice comes in until off the phone then the tears come. I have to hide behind the mask. people have always come to me with their problems, I was the grounded one the one who had a back bone would stand up for what I beleived, the funny one. life of the party........ If they only knew.....
Thanks for listining
Kat