ya know what i did tonite?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
ya know what i did tonite?
5
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 5:53pm
& its possible i wasn't in my right mind...2 sedatives & 2vodkas later everything felt right.
i apologised to everyone.even those who didn't deserve one or who could lss than to hear my voice on their answering machine.
it was my purge.
what's the worst that could happen?they hate me more?they already think i'm crazy so so what.i wish i could sleep.i'll hate myself in the morning for sure.i'm just someone who NEEDS to exlain myself UNTILL i'm understood...you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:29pm

Please be careful with the drugs and especially alcohol. I have found that alcohol is one of the WORST things for depression. It obviously has depressive tendencies and I often feel like I am much more sad when I drink, especially after I pass the two drink limits.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 3:40pm
if i could tell you all that went wrong you would hate me too....i once did & got booted.
anyway...i live w/ my husband as just a roomate b/c i don't love him...last night i got drunk enough that i told him he could have it all...i have a visit from my mother (major stress)coming up in a week,& i'm trying to start an at home biz & i don't even know which end is up.the only days i can fall apart are the weekends 7 when the kids are at school...but this weekend is too busy & i find it intimidating.i find it exhausting acting normal....i had 2 suicide attempts in the past week...h doesn't know...my neighbor got me out of the 2nd...the first i just got sick...i still am taking more sedatives than allowed w/ my 2 shots of vodka a night...i cannot stop.
the blow was my best friend.my rock.someone who hates me did something cruel & i thought she abandoned me.i called i wrote nothing...she finally answered that she just can''t speak to me b/c her husband told her she can't(you knw what i would say to THAT)she has tough times too i helped her with & when she brought this up to her husband he said...well she's just have to talk to HIM from now on.(you know what i would say to THAT)
ok...the upshot is i fell in love with a man 2 years ago who swore he loved me...he got engaged & swore he loved me.my h found out & punished me severly.he's still with me but i don't love him & i cannot make myself now matter how much i try.his touch makes my flesh crawl.he is also a control freak....anyway...then this guys fiance found out 7 broke it off....my friend supported me thru this more than i thought.the man thinks its my fault that she left him & all the understading we had has turned to gobbledygook...he used to tell me i was HIS true love.this war has been going on for a year & there is an entire ladder of blame.i finally took all the responsibility & told him the truth from beginning to end.
he used those confessions against me.
he changed his career to near my home & my best friend told me.her husband tells her its all her fault.her husband works as this guys leuitenant & was caught disparaging his wife.
my upcoming business has cost me a bundle to advertise 7 so far i don't know where it stands...it involves children so i must be careful(i have 3 of my own..i'm not irresponsible.)so hospitalization is out of the question,you know?i think last night my husband even suggested it whichis a miracle but i'm not sure.i can't fall apart now & i cannot help it///i have the best dr.s possible now too.i miss my friend & i am hurt that this man said so many people think i am out of my mind....i admit i'm different.some people like thaty about me.one woman said to me....susan you are SO FUNNY...but no one GETS you(i suppose my humor has trth in it,i don't know...i'm tired.i'm so tired sad & noise is killing me.
that's my story.
i am no alchoholic but right now the vodka & sedatives are3 nessacary at the end of thje day.i'm disapointed in myself b/c today i already took 4 more than allowed.i couldn't sleep i wanted to...you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:57am

I know how it feels to feel alone even when you are surrounded by people and just wanting to sleep and curl up and dream because somehow then you don't have to worry about it or feel sad and your dreams can take you anywhere.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:10pm
but i'm so lonely & it hurts too much.i was looking foward to the weekend being over...too much to do & too much noise,but i'm scared.i tell myself b/f my naps....you can kill yourself when you wake up.
my mother comes to visit next week & that scares me more as she has no tolerance for weakness or exhaustion(she actually said maybe my meds were no good...wouldn't it be better to be miserable & awake than miserable & tired.i'm scared...i've asked her not to come.
all my friends have left me.the others i have to pretend i'm happy.i'm tired.how can one person be so tired?nobody is home.
picking up the children is a task that seems huge.why should it?
then i can have my vodka.then i can sleep some more.
how can people actually say my kids are better off w/ a mother like me?
i'm scared & no body is home.......susan
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:17am

Susan-


I know when you get to a hard place such as the one that you are in, it is hard to believe that anyone could understand. I won't lie to you and tell you that I know exactly what you are going through because I don't but I do know that you cannot let what others say cause you to hurt yourself.

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