Trigger,,,,needing to SI
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Trigger,,,,needing to SI
| Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:43pm |
I finally found the courage to call my T again today. I am lucky she is so patient with me. I have an appointment Monday morning and I so need to see her, so I was feeling some relief knowing I would be seeing her in a few days. Now I found out today I am working Monday and can't see her then. It sounds so lame I know but it sends me for a loop because now I have to call her again and cancel and hope to make another one soon after. I am feeling like I'm gonna just split down the middle. I haven't SI'd in a few weeks now which is good for me but the stress is building up in me so badly I know I just have to do it now. I thought I could hold off maybe until I saw her,,,told myself you can wait until Monday,,,and now Monday has been taken away from me. I know I'm not going to do myself in or anything but I know I am going to cut because I just have to cut. I feel like such a pathetic piece of nothing that I need to do this to help release the anxiety and built-up worries and pain I have. Not even knowing why I'm writing this here,,,as it will only make me look worse than I am,,,but as I've said in other posts,,,I just feel safe here and somehow and I'm not sure how that somehow works,,,but somehow it just helps alleviate a little bit of the befuddlement that merry-go-rounds in my head sometimes.
Thank you and I'm sorry. Abby
Thank you and I'm sorry. Abby

don't be sorry. i can't write you a reply right now. i'm not well. i can't even reply to my own messages. just know i'm here thinking of you. hugs.
amanda
Hi Abby,
Abby hun please dont aplogize to us, we are here to try to help and give as much support and comfort as we can. I too am also a SI'er I havent dont it for a while now it has been over a month now I believe, lol days and weeks run together for me. but what I have found that helps a great deal for me is to put it off not for days but for minutes, I will tell myself that as soon as I get this done then I will SI then as soon as I get that done I just keep putting it off until I dont have the urge anymore, I do have to agree with Lori tho it is just a matter of saying NO I can not do this anymore and just making yourself not do that anymore.
I am sorry that you are hurting so bad, your T will understand and reschedule you an appt. and it will be as soon as she can hun, until then we are here to give you support and comfort as much as can.
hugs to ya kiddo
Mary
Thank you for your kind responses. I can't help but to apologize though,,,I apologize for everything all of the time. My T is seeing me tomorrow morning so I didn't have to wait very long after all and now I feel so stupid for getting upset because of what turns out to be just a one day wait. *sigh* I'm trying to rehearse what to say to her and what not to say to her.
I did end up SI'ing though,,,a few times,,,and as sick as it sounds it felt so good to do it again. Thing is though,,,now it is like I broke a 'fast' and want to do it even more than before,,,thinking you may know what I mean by that. I don't know whether to tell her that I did that or not. She generally doesn't ask, even though she knows I do it,,,but a couple of sessions ago did ask to see what I did,,,but I wouldn't let her.
How do you ever get better? How can you get 'better' when you live with someone who makes you so very unhappy,,,,how can you get 'better' when you worry constantly about other people and that sends you spiralling into panic attacks with the 'what if's' that may happen regarding them? I just feel like I can never rest my head,,,the thoughts just never shut themselves off for me. It makes me so tired I just want to go to sleep,,,,and just sleep and sleep.
Abby